Nigeria Village Square

Being Olusegun Obasanjo

Posted by Uche Nworah on December 29, 2005   |

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In the 1999 movie Being John Malkovich, Hollywood actor John Cusack gets to experience what it is like to be John Malkovich, a movie character that ordinary folks wouldn’t normally like to be found alone with in an elevator, or in any other hair-raising or dark enclosures. The movie which was a work of fiction actually got movie buffs debating about what it would actually be and feel like if we could in reality be able to ‘live’ inside the body and soul of another person, and to experience their thoughts, hurts, plans (evil, good and bad) and emotions. Spooky you may say. Would science one day make this fantasy possible? Before you write this off, remember Dolly the sheep.

Unfortunately, by the time such fantasy ever becomes reality, if ever, our generation would have long answered the divine call. The only regret if you ask me would be that we (Nigerians) would have lost the opportunity to get to ‘be’ President Olusegun Obasanjo, or even some of his predecessors, most notoriously General Sani Abacha (the dark- goggled one) and General Ibrahim ‘Maradona’ Babangida (the gap- toothed one with the lady-killer smile).

Imagine how much fun it would have been to have actually been living inside the mind of IBB, during his Maradonic days, when he constantly shifted the political goal post, and our foolish and selfish politicians, even with all their soothsayers sheepishly followed without seeing the con coming, hoping after hope and sinking all their money (borrowed and stolen) in IBB’s bottomless option A4 democratic charade. Imagine how frustrated IBB would have felt if Nigerians were able to checkmate his every move, because we must have already seen each one coming.

What about the dark-goggled one? Would it not just have been better to simply tap into his mind any time we wanted (not that he had much of it anyway), this would have spared him the many troubles of facing the cameras (was he really? not with those glasses on, how could we not have seen that he had something to hide?) and ‘mumbling’ his way into eternity as the most confused, uninteresting and boring Head of State Nigeria ever had.

Were all these to have been possible, I can imagine the looks on the faces of Nigerians each time Oga Sani called Nigerians fools, shut the media houses, killed some members of the opposition while watching his countrymen starve, while he coveted with his many female omoges from Eastern Europe. Who wouldn’t have given anything to see the look on Oga Sani’s face the very moment he realises that we knew all along, and could see his every move, including the many occasions when he untied his shokoto behind Aunty Maryam’s back, that we were there all along as he signed away our national treasury to his hommies and the elusive and ‘untouchable’ Chagouri brothers.

We surely missed ‘being’ Olusegun Obasanjo as he took the oath of office as Nigeria’s Commander-In-Chief; at that very moment what could he have been thinking? About the common good of Nigerians? Or how to fulfil the second mandate that destiny has entrusted upon him? Was he thinking of an edifying legacy he would leave behind for Nigerians to savour? I wished that the scientists would hurry up and make the fantasy of ‘being’ a reality.

Now in his political and earthly twilight, what could possibly be going through Baba’s mind? With all the recent personal and national triumphs and tragedies, with history beckoning, waiting to conclude its chapter on the Obasanjo legacy in Nigeria, and the glorious and fulfilling opportunity to retire back to Otta to enjoy the fresh morning fruits, and to taste the sweet smell of freshly tapped palm wine, I would give anything to ‘be’ Baba even for a second as his administration enters the last lap. Just, what is going through his mind at this moment? A penny for your thoughts your Excellency.

Or would Baba throw everything away? Would he heed to the calls of his court jesters? The likes of who have no shame dancing naked in the market place. Just what could Baba be thinking at this moment? What is so difficult in telling Nigerians that ‘No, I am not interested in any third term’. Why is this difficult to do? Why let the speculation go on and on?

Just what is the point in chasing shadows? And dissipating energy over an issue that could easily be dealt with through words and deeds. Why should Nigeria bother writing to the U.S State department to register its protests over the comments made by a former U.S. Assistant Secretary for African Affairs, Mike Cohen, that ‘the American government would oppose the rumoured third term ambition of Obasanjo’. Isn’t Mr. Cohen entitled to his own opinion? Just what does Nigeria expect the American government to do? Jail Mr Cohen or sanction him? Haven’t those Aso Rock people heard that every American is guaranteed a freedom of expression by the American constitution, or have they forgotten the African proverb that says that there is no smoke without fire?

Just what is going through Baba’s mind right now?

Being that we have no way of knowing, I will simply assume in my own fantasy to have unlocked the key to Baba’s mind, I ‘am’ now Olusegun Obasanjo.

I wish this was true because this may just be one of the things I wish Baba would be doing right now.

Baba: Nigerians should not worry about any 3^rd term bid from me or the many others parading themselves as my representatives.

Press: Should it go on record then your Excellency that you have no plans of influencing the change in the constitution in order to allow you to contest in 2007.

Baba: Yes, let it go on record, I will not cause to be changed, nor sponsor any changes to the Nigerian constitution, to allow me to contest for a third term in 2007

Press: That is good news, we are quite sure that Nigerians will be happy to hear that, so your Excellency, have you started making plans for your retirement, what will you be doing when you finally leave Aso Rock?

Baba: I will retire to my Otta farm, my chickens and rabbits are missing me.

Press: Please your Excellency, can you briefly recount for cynics the achievements of your administration.

Baba: (cough, cough, cough) water please!

Remi-Oyo: The press conference is over, as you can see, his Excellency is not feeling too well, thanks for coming, , please direct any further queries to my office.

December 29^th 2005. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.