Mock Palava Hut

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 2, 2008 , 06:27 AM

OK, the aim of this thread is simple. Someone posts a 'palava' that they are having, and someone supplies advice to solve the problem. So far, so like Palava Hut.

The difference is that your imagination should be allowed to roam as widely as possible in constructing the 'palava' (within the bounds of taste, of course).

Needless to say, the answers to the mock palava can be as imaginative as the palava itself.

So I'll start off with this one:

"I'm beginning to resent the way people take advantage of my pangolo head. It so happens that the top is as level as a table, and because of my short height (4' 6"), taller people (even complete strangers) are always placing books and items on my head. I have complained to the people who do this, and they apologise profusely, but they keep on doing this. What can I do to deter them?"

Nov 2, 2008 , 06:35 AM

Gosh........

No need to deter them any further...use this asset to your advantage.

Start carrying firewood on your head for sale and make some money in your village.

I doubt that your skull is still undergoing bone growth.

Can get any flatter than that can it?

Warmest regards,

Dewwy.

Abraxas · Nov 2, 2008 , 08:50 AM

Hi, Shoko Loko Bangoshe!

Why not tell the Carpenter who created you (I am talking about the Father of the illegal wine maker of Bethlehem who turns de-ionized H2O into C2H5OH) to graciously carve your skull to be a bit spheroidal, using the head of late General Gorimakpa Aremu Matthew Olusegun (Baba Gbenga) Igbochukwu Alakori Oniranu Okikiolakan Obasanjo (GCFR) as a benchmark!

Who knows? ... You could end up being the next unelected life president of Nigeria.

Muchas gracias.

POST SCRIPT:

Please, if my prescription above does not meet or exceed your expectations, then feel free to tell me so quickly, so that I can fine-tune my computer-aided diagnosis and remedial reconstructive surgical recommendations and procedures accordingly.

Thank you very much for seeking my ogbonge expertise.

Obrigado.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 2, 2008 , 09:27 AM

Dear Dewdrops,

Thank you for your kind response.

I took your advice, and I was making some money... but I noticed that some unscrupulous people are still taking advantage of my flat head. The other day, a so-called friend met me on one of my firewood errands, and he said that since it was such a fine day, we should walk together. Strangely enough, I noticed that as we were walking, my load seemed to have grown heavier. Only after we parted ways did I notice that he had slyly slipped an extra bundle on my head for me to carry.

Do you have any further advice?

Dear Abraxas,

Thank you for your kind response.

Unfortunately, I cannot accept your advice. While I have no doubt that ex-President Obasanjo's head is widely admired by his many adoring fans, I do not consider it a good enough model to use, for aesthetic reasons. However, I do acknowledge the merit in praying for the Almighty Creator to remodel my head into spheroidal shape.

Could you kindly suggest a head that is more universally acclaimed for its beauty that I could ask my head to be remodelled as in my prayers?

Abraxas · Nov 2, 2008 , 10:30 AM

Hi, Air Marshall Shoko Loko Bangoshe!

I am awfully sorry for my evidently WRONG choice of the skull of retired tyrant OBJ as a benchmark for reconstructive surgical procedures on your tabloid head. I had actually thought that, you being an Air Marshall, you might be interested in being a life president of 9jeriya, on retirement from active service. I am very sorry for my misjudgement.

Anyway, sha, please find enclosed (reasonably spheroidal) skulls of the following, for your kind consideration as benchmark for your impending major reconstructive maxilo-facial plastic surgery of the skull, which I will personally superintend:

(1) Alhaji Lamidi Adedibu
(2) Sir Tony Anenih (JP)
(3) Prof. Maurice Iwu.
(4) James Brown
(5) Lord Lugard
(6) 50 Cents
(7) Chief Zeburudiah Okoroigwe Nwogbo, De Palmwine Powerless, (alias 4:30).
(8) Alhaji (Sir) Ahmadu Bello
(9) Alhaji Mujahid Dokubo Asari.
(10) Bashorun Moshood K.O. Abiola (Aare Ona Kakanfo XIV)

I look forward to your usual prompt response.

However, if you insist on applying prayers and similar metaphysical interventionist strategies for addressing your block head-like flat headedness, I will still advise that you choose one of the above ten (10) global benchmarks of spheroidal skull configuration, and ask the Almighty Carpenter to graciously remodel your head accordingly. I am confident that He (the Carpenter who art in Heaven) will answer your fervent prayers, without further hesitation or any need for extra-sacramental egunje-isms.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

Nov 2, 2008 , 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Shoko Loko Bangoshe

Dear Dewdrops,

Thank you for your kind response.

I took your advice, and I was making some money... but I noticed that some unscrupulous people are still taking advantage of my flat head. The other day, a so-called friend met me on one of my firewood errands, and he said that since it was such a fine day, we should walk together. Strangely enough, I noticed that as we were walking, my load seemed to have grown heavier. Only after we parted ways did I notice that he had slyly slipped an extra bundle on my head for me to carry.

Do you have any further advice?

Yes, I have further advice for you.

Make thd best of any situation......start "charging" the so called friend "extras for using your head" as a buggy.

BTW, is it as flat as that of the Nigerian movie artiste, Saint Obi's?

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 2, 2008 , 07:55 PM

Dear Don Juan-Carlos Abraxas III and Dewdrops,

Thank you again for your advice.

I have decided that I will indeed pray to the Almighty Carpenter... but instead of asking for a spheroidal head, I will ask for five sharp horns to sprout from the flatness of my skull. I realise that this will put paid to the profitable business that I have begun in firewood transport, but I also believe that this will end the incessant misuse of my flat skull.

However, Don Juan, in case my idea backfires and I have to fall back on your idea, it would still be helpful to confirm whether the list of 'skull models' that you have presented is in order of aesthetic beauty. That way, I know that when I am praying, I know that I need to ask for an Adedibuesque-shaped skull before any other.

Regards,

Shoko Loko Bangoshe

Abraxas · Nov 3, 2008 , 12:24 AM

Hi, Shoko Loko Bangoshe!

I doubt if the Almighty Carpenter, will find your suggestion above funny at all, knowing very well that His arch-enemy #1 from time immemorial, Engr. (Sir) Dr. Satan D'Evil (JP; GCFR; BEng; MSc; PhD High Temperature Physics), has only two (2) blunt horns!

Maybe, I am too old-fashioned to appreciate new-wave trends, in the context of a post-globalization universe. If so, please forgive my understandable provincialism and kolo-mentality vis-a-vis my defficiencies in modern dress sense, and contemporary cosmopolitan tastes.

Anyway, sha~o, in case you face unpleasant challenges having to contend with the wrath of the Almighty Capenter, should your idea of growing five (5) sharp horns on your flat head backfire, and you have to fall back on my earlier expert recommendations, please feel free to choose any from my list of world top ten (10) "skull models", since they all conform to global benchmark standards and specifications for spheroidal heads (including aesthetics, mechanical strength, high Gorimakpa coefficient, and hollowness).

At any rate, as a bonus, I will now further recommend three (3) top aesthetically correct skulls for your consideration, and final selection, in readiness for your forth-coming maxilo-facial reconstructive skull surgery, as follows:

1st: Alhaji Lamidi Adedibu
2nd: Chief (Native Dr.) Zeburudiah Okoroigwe Nwogbo, De Palmwine Powerless, (alias 4:30).
3rd: Alhaji Mujahid Dokubo Asari.

Please remember to always yell out the name of your chosen skull model while praying, for the avoidance of any ambiguity in divine circles.

If all else fails, please either chop off your head with the enclosed portable personal guillotine, or feel free to contact me urgently on my hotline, by telepathy, so that my team of expert biomedical robotics engineers, neuro-surgeons, and organ transplant technologists will proceed with maximum despatch to eliminate your agony of flat headedness without any further delay.

How family? Work, nko? ... and ya gege. Shebi 'e dey kampe? We t'ank God, no be small.

Best regards, and I hope I have, in my own little way, contributed to relieving you of your worries, once and for all.

Psst ... psst! The Almighty Carpenter, father of the militant miracle maker of ancient West Bank Palestine, is very upset about your idea of growing sharp horns on your flat head. Can I beg Him on your behalf?

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 3, 2008 , 01:16 AM

Dear Don Juan Carlos Abraxas III,

Thank you very much for your advice.

You are quite correct; I now realise that my idea of having five horns was a ghastly and insensitive mistake. If the Heavenly Carpenter is offended, I beg you to please intercede on my behalf.

I will wait awhile for His anger to subside, and then I will attempt requesting a head in the mould of Lamidi Adedibu.

Regards,

Shoko Loko Bangoshe

E_Pluribus_Unum · Nov 3, 2008 , 12:55 PM

after reading this i started laffing ,
and now my office peeps think i am a victim of proloned exposure to stress.

ROTFL

ISL · Nov 3, 2008 , 06:59 PM

Dear Level-head

It is obvious that you've been dropped on your head multiple times as a child (probably on hard concrete) resulting in the flattening of your oblongata

The obvious answer is to pray over this...............

Or better yet, get one of NVS's many resident preachers to pray for you....

Because we all know that having a head shaped that size is a sin.....

And I'm sure someone somewhere can dig up some obscure bible verse to support this

In the mean time, are you available this weekend?

My friends and I are one table short for our party and could use your "services"?

Thanks

OverLoad · Nov 3, 2008 , 08:13 PM

Dear Villagers,

I have a serious problem, its a serious serious dilemma that its affecting my whole family and most especially the relationship between my husband and I.
You see in a bid to compete with all this small small girls wey dey for town, I decided to opt to wearing "rope-pants", I think its called G-string.
But since I have been wearing them , the rope at the back has a habit of burying itself in between my bottocks(Butt-crack), this is very uncomfortable and I have to be digging my hands to pull the rope out countless times.
The problem is I cant control this and whenever we are in public places , i find myself pulling the rope countless times. My husband does not like this.
Recently we had a huge fight when he took me to his work business dinner and I went to get some drink, apparently he said he was watching from afar as I was digging my hands to pull the rope from the back of my "torzziz" and I took that same hand to pour drink and get food and even worst of all shake his CEO, he said many ppl were looking with disgust, I think that could be true because , I noticed no one wanted to shake me, i thought it was because i was black.
Anyway, my Oga just rake for me till die oo...I do not wanna stop wearing this rope- things cos it turns oga on,lai lai am not ready to share my husband, and i dont know how to stop adjusting the rope when it buries itself where the sun dont shine....note, I have tried several alternatives
My problem is what to do???, should I just stop wearing undies altogether(abi nothing is better than half, at least in this case) or what exactly can be a solution??..

Thanks in advance for ur useless and useful advice(s)

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 3, 2008 , 09:09 PM

Dear Overload,

While I await a response from the Almighty Carpenter in response to my problem, I think I can offer some advice.

You say that your husband is turned on by the appearance of the G-string, but it's uncomfortable, right? Then why not just simply paint the G-string onto your body? That way, you can avoid the discomfort. In fact, you can even tattoo the G-string onto your body if you don't want it to be washed away everytime you take a bath.

I hope this helps.

Regards,

Shoko Loko Bangoshe

wonderer · Nov 3, 2008 , 09:27 PM

Dear Overload,
Your problem is a serious one indeed. If the main reason for wearing G-string is to turn your husband on, then I suggest you get your husband to use some psychiatric help , preferably with the use of hypnosis, in order for him to change his preferences to G-string and not to be turned on when he sees one. This will both relief you from the discomfort you find in wearing them, and more importantly , it will stop your husband from feeling attracted to all these small small girls who wear G-strings.
One other solution , since changing preferences is not easy and might take sometime, is to leave this G-string loving husband, and find another husband who doesn't like G-string

OverLoad · Nov 3, 2008 , 10:51 PM

First of all LMAO

Dear Shoko ,

Thank you so much for this amazing advice, but the problem is am allegric to paint or anything sticking on my body, so the option of painting is out of it or even tattoos
Plus which type of G-string should I paint, sometimes he likes the lacey in front rope at the back, or the plain in front lacey at the back...all this sef is confusing me *sigh*.....then he likes different colors for each day, like now the color code is White on sunday cos its sacred day. Yellow on monday cos he believes that monday is a mellow day. Orange on tuesday, cos he wants the sun to shine, Pink on wednesday because its a day to tease me, Blue on Thursday cos thats the day he likes to get naughty, Green on friday cos that gives him the green light to play football match till drop , cos theres no work on saturday , he can drum my drum till daybreak and sleep thru saturday.
Black on saturday cos its the day of recovery
Red when am on my period, so he can apply his brakes with caution. Sometimes he breaks the red-light shaa...
So which one exactly would I paint oo assuming I chose painting and he doesnt like anything rainbow color...so strike it out.

Dear Wonderer

ROTFLMAO, ur advice is wonderful, infact I might just begin to look into it the second solution. Last time we tried hypnosis on my husband to stop him from staring at big boobs,it didnt go too well, a big boobed lady was put in front of him as part of the hypnosis, he stared at it and went into a coma for 3 days , needless to say when he woke up after 3 days , my oga was still staring at big boobies, mmmhh that was a scam our $200 gone down the drain like that.

I would love to find a man not turned on by G-string, but the problem is my stock-value has slowly decreased with age, to find any man sef na wahala...that again is another palava on its own, these palavas never stop bothering, its like from one palava to another......

I tire ooo

VOR · Nov 3, 2008 , 11:19 PM

Overload! I heard now I have seen you are something else!! Jeezzzzz

Ok, to this your problem. Me I am thinks, it is not too much problem. You see, it is not today pata olokun, abi G-string have been causing trouble for we wemens, especially wemens with heavy defence, kai, walahi, it are causing serious hinjury for these wemens .
Shoko and Wonderer have given you useful advices, but my own is, if those ones no work, why not try to be using pampers (abi is it diapers you peoples calls it in Amee?) you see, if you use pampers, it will cushion the strain de okun does to the crack and will even make ya hubby thinks that you have grown more defence.
Please my sista, don't let the okun do much damage o, eehennn, let us not see bad thing, that is when you are very old you will be needing nappy to hold yaself. Abi, what do you think of this my advices?

wonderer · Nov 4, 2008 , 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by OverLoad

.....
I would love to find a man not turned on by G-string, but the problem is my stock-value has slowly decreased with age, to find any man sef na wahala...that again is another palava on its own, these palavas never stop bothering, its like from one palava to another......

I tire ooo

Dear Overload,
Please don't despair, this is not a palava at all!
Everything can be an advantage.And your stock-value could actually increase with age. All you need to do is to find a new husband who appreciates the value of age, like a historian or an archaeologist.

Shoko Loko Bangoshe · Nov 4, 2008 , 01:45 AM

Originally Posted by OverLoad

First of all LMAO

Dear Shoko ,

Thank you so much for this amazing advice, but the problem is am allegric to paint or anything sticking on my body, so the option of painting is out of it or even tattoos
Plus which type of G-string should I paint, sometimes he likes the lacey in front rope at the back, or the plain in front lacey at the back...all this sef is confusing me *sigh*.....then he likes different colors for each day, like now the color code is White on sunday cos its sacred day. Yellow on monday cos he believes that monday is a mellow day. Orange on tuesday, cos he wants the sun to shine, Pink on wednesday because its a day to tease me, Blue on Thursday cos thats the day he likes to get naughty, Green on friday cos that gives him the green light to play football match till drop , cos theres no work on saturday , he can drum my drum till daybreak and sleep thru saturday.
Black on saturday cos its the day of recovery
Red when am on my period, so he can apply his brakes with caution. Sometimes he breaks the red-light shaa...
So which one exactly would I paint oo assuming I chose painting and he doesnt like anything rainbow color...so strike it out.

Dear Overload,

I'm sorry to hear about your allergy to paint. From what you've said, the best thing to do is to forget about G-strings altogether and go commando, as you've been thinking. After all, it's not the G-string your husband is interested in, but the thing that the G-string is trying to cover - abi?

Regards,

Shoko Loko Bangoshe

emj · Nov 4, 2008 , 02:10 AM

Eherm, i have a very serious problem...long and short of it...is a dilemma, even self...hmmm....okay to the koko of the matter....It's my Avatar:-
Some Villagers complained that it's winching them(in their dreams)

Whilst others said, it soothes my person(not as if they know me timo timo o)..ehen.

And some are so indifferent about it.

I've tried to change it for a season/time to please the 1st set of people..only for the next set to Protest..going as far as to Report me to EFZZ and Kabiyesi.

Please help

wonderer · Nov 4, 2008 , 04:26 AM

Dear emj,
I am sorry to hear about your avatar related dilemma.
I don't think it is a problem of yours. It is a technical problem, and all you need to do is to ask the Admin to introduce a Viewer's-Personality-Prediction display mode to the forum, this display mode should predict the viewer's reaction to your avatar, then determine how to display it. If the viewer wouldn't like the avatar then it won't be displayed on his screen. Similarly those who are predicted to be soothed by it, they will see it all the time, while those who are indifferent can have it displayed to them 50% of the time.