The Village Square - Jokes & Odds

Mrs Omokorede

Oluwato — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:23:29 GMT

Just hilarious...she's good!

A Roman Boy's Confession

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:18:34 GMT

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?''

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capelli?

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,'What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads.

Priest Missing Cock

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:12:01 GMT

A priest kept
chickens at his local village.

One evening the cock went missing.

At church, during an evening worship, the priest
asked:

Who has a cock?

All men got up,

No I meant who has seen a cock?

All women got up.

No no say the priest... I mean who has seen a cock
that isn't theirs"

Half the women got up

Oh for goodness sake, " I mean who's seen my
cock?

All the choir boys got up!!!!

:eek::eek::D:D:D

Oh Boy!!!!!!

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:32:00 GMT

An arithmetic teacher wrote on the board for his pupils to pronounce and the translation goes thus.

Teacher: 222
Sam: Two hundred and twenty two
Teacher: 333
David: Three hundred and thirty three
Teacher: 444
Paul: Four hundred and forty four
Teacher: 111
John: "One hundred and wonety one

Ingeneous Way To Search For Network Connection

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:26:01 GMT

If your cell phone is not getting the kind of connectivity you need, you may need to take a cue from this guy as contained in this picture.

If after you try, and there is still no network, you are then permitted to change your sim:D:D

Attached Images

Searching for network.jpg (67.2 KB)

A Child's Prayer

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:11:45 GMT

I don't know where my cousin gets all these jokes from but this is so funny.:D

"Dear God, this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone, Amen."

English Is A Difficult Language

valteena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:07:42 GMT

This is very hilarious lol:D:D:D Enjoy

Child custody palaver

Mikky jaga — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:37:33 GMT

Justice in Lagos Nigeria (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of an Ikeja high court courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.... . The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Super Eagles of Nigeria, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

950th time lucky.......Pensioner finally passes driving test.

liloldlady — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:33:50 GMT

Read full story here

Pensioner passes her driving theory test on her 950th go

A South Korean woman has passed the written exam for her driver�s licence on her 950th try.

Cha Sa-soon has been making near daily attempts at the test since April 2005 and has spent more than �2,500 in application fees.

The 68-year-old finally scraped through with the minimum pass rate of 60 out of 100 points on Wednesday.

Sa-soon must now pass her practical driving test before she is awarded her full licence.

The determined pensioner told the Korea Times newspaper she needed her licence for her vegetable-selling business.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

Iye — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:33:33 GMT

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ________ __ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
________________________________________ __________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mothe r? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, *****!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________ ________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early. '

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden GateBridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Plac es where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifl e with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Apology

Lalakokofefe — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:44:20 GMT

A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After The Christmas Party....

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have
called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office
Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I
would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father
is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in
Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on
the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosy, I'd have
never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She
really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly,
and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to
get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that
I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that
old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......

Typoglycemia

Iye — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:35:52 GMT

Believe it or not, you can read it!!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem
at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn 't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in
a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is
arppoiately
cllaed Typoglycemia :)-

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Riddle of the Day

Iye — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:37:13 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one.

Michael J. Fox has a short one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Specail Present for the WINNER!!!!:rose:

Dear Santa

Lalakokofefe — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:44:18 GMT

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I�m writing to you today, the 26th December of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I�m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brother, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street, There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fcuking yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fcuk were you thinking, you fat prick, that you�ve taken me for a sucker the whole fcuking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn�t fcuked me enough, you gave that little quaff across the street so many toys that he can�t even walk into his house. Don�t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I�ll fcuk you up. I�ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you�ll have to walk back to the fcuking North Pole. Just like what I have to do now since you didn�t get me that fcuking bike! FCUK YOU SANTA. Next year you�ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSCUKER.

Sincerely

Little Johnny

"Olori Oko" Infraction's Corner........Post All Useless Warnings and Infractions Here.

Babine — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:46:34 GMT

I want clear and open moderation. So I am anticipating that all my infractions would be baseless and totally useless as always. As soon as I get them. I intend to fling them out here in the open so that villagers can moderate them.

I am sick of these moderators who have no names.

How do you get an infraction on a 'rant' thread?
How do you get an infraction on an "exhale" thread?

Waiting for my first infraction post purgatory.......this is MAMA "G"......G for Gani.....R.I.P. :rose: