NVS - Arrivals Quick Guide!!

[Djister]

WELCOME COMMITTEE RELEASE (Awareness & Arrival Information to ALL newcomers.)

A big welcome to new Immigrants, Migrants, Emigrants and those on Grants to the most successful and enjoyable village in the world. This welcome is further extended to Tourists, Short-stay visitors, Nomadic Transients and aimless Cyber Cruisers.

It is our wish to appraise you with the directions, nuances, places, people and general community. So please take your time, make notes or even dictate into your machines for notification purposes.

Now, there are many destinations within NVS that you can find yourself. Please don't be alarmed if you think you are lost. The natives are very friendly, just ask for directions and information.

The MAIN SQUARE is a gathering place and watering hole. It sometimes may seem crowded, full of newbies like you and oldies like them. You must not feel strange or alone at anytime.

THE LOUNGE is within the main building, which is that Yellow Hut you see over there. It is a main relaxation centre and smoking is allowed in some part of it. Please be aware that your choice to smoke is just that. Your choice. However, there may be Environmentalists that show up from time to time and will harangue you until you either stop smoking from shock or the offensive object is forcibly detached from your person. If any harm occurs during this process please head immediately for the Village Clinic, HEALTHWISE, and ask for any of the doctors there. If there are no doctors available, please take a mat and go to a corner and pray hard that you don't bleed to death.

NOTE: Our funeral services are excellent and very glamorous. If you witness one, you may elect to be glamourized rather than be cured.

The reading room will be to your left on the North Side. If you know your left from your right then you will be heading in the right place. Here you will find ARTICLES and COMMENTS or BOOKSHELF from a large variety of serious writers and clowns. Please feel free to add your own opinions to the serious discussions or general tomfoolery that may prevail.

In this regard, if you consider yourself a credible author, in English please!, make sure you raise your hand while standing in the middle of the square seeking to be noticed by ADMIN.

There are corners that are hidden treasures in this village. If you feel like venting your anger over any issue place head for the sign that says EXHALE. Hopefully after you have had your fix of anger control, you will be free to join the rest of the normal world elsewhere around here.

Some aspiring writers amongst you who have done work elsewhere may want to attract attention to such work. You will find another sign that says BLOGs. Feel free to exhibit yourself there but please note that the following are prohibit:

Sexually Explicit and Indecent promotions.
Publications and Announcements of Extreme Nuisance value.
Racist & Bigotry Items, except where you feel it is in overriding public interest. This is a totally subjective opinion on your part.
Etc etc ati be be lo ( and so on and so forward)

A very special welcome to our female residents and visitors. We have a very private place for you. It is known as WOMAN to WOMAN. This is where you will find great women of this village and the men that don't let them rest. This place is for you women and female girls to share your ideas and experiences with other women. Please be aware that there are marauding men who come into this arena from time to time. Some are known to permanently reside there. There many Aunties to handle your problems of Man, Money, Children, Jobs, School etc. You know, the usual things that drive you to church and night-vigils.

We have other areas of interest and great importance, so please take note of the following:

Health Center (for ailments known to man, only)
Stadium (Sports but unfit indivduals should please go to the health center first.)
Psychiatric & Psychotherapy Facilities (Palaver Hut)
eWorld (If you are one of those who Eat, Sleep and Drink wires and cables).
Poverty Eradication Bank (Money Matters, if you are always broke)
Film, Dancing and Shake Bodi Hall (Arts, Music, Movies etc etc.)
Joblessness Sign Board (Careers, Employment, Oga wahalas)
YeYe Peoples Corner (Please tell us your jokes but make sure they are funny!)
Agbaya Story Story (Stories that old people use to bamboozle us when we were young.)
Argument Argue (Crucible, for those who like to argue and debate)
Tell Teacher Centre (NVS Matters, if you have comments you can’t keep to yourself about the village)
Dustbin Road (Village Dumpster, if you are too crass for everybody and always talk nonesense!, please try and avoid but you can look at those whose are currently serving time there.)
Campaign HQ (Please endeavour to join any of our numerous campaigns to raise money for good causes or help/improve Nigeria and our village.)

FINALLY, as a help to make your visit pleasurable and to meet you specific nuances and preferences, you will notice the the various personalities, both important and unimportant, that reside in the village. To help you find your feet very quickly and integrate, please note the following options: (These change frequently so the list is based on current standing and will not be correct as soon as you finish reading this!)

If you are a woman, note that we have different types of women here as in any village. If you have been to school, like school, like people that have gone to school, like to talk like school people etc etc you will find EVERYBODY in this village useful and particularly for your purpose. But PLEASE chose very carefully to avoid disappointment.

If you are an academic person or a book writer, then this is the best place to be. Your good and nonsense writing will be critiqued by everybody in this village. So be properly prepared and don't think you are the one that knows everything. You are warned!

If you like to talk too much, welcome to the place for that. Sometimes you will talk and sometimes you will not be allowed to talk and if that happens, please wear armoured suits and cover your nice clothes because it is not uncommon to be dragged into the famed but fun Roforofos. You will learn.

If you are an advocate for anything, you will find like-minded individuals. Please note that some of your advocacy will get support sometimes or will fall on deaf ears a lot of the times. Don't take it personal and even if you do, that is your Shalala.

If you like to pray on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays or even Sundays, we have Imams, Reverends, Alfas, Religious fanatics and even the odd lay-preachers here. So your blessings are multiplied already for even reading this.

If you believe in the progress of the black man/woman we have Pan-Africanists, Blackism Commanders, Afro-American Nigerians, Independent Black Woman Party, Revolutionaries, Riverside Warriors and many others to make you feel at home. Please beware that inside this collection are splinter groups who also believe in Tribal Revivals, Separatist Radicals, Disintegrators of Federalism etc. Feel at home.

If you have a thick skin, and everybody is advised to have, you will find clowns, jokers, trouble makers and many types of ye ye people here. You can join them and make a fool of yourself anytime. If the preceding does not apply to you, sit back and enjoy the clowns.

If you are in the Diaspora, you are in the right place for intelligent thinking, good brain-storming and sometimes completely useless contributions. Please try hard to avoid too many expressions from your adopted culture and civilization because you are likely to be harassed for not being in Nigeria to suffer with all others.

You will make friends and sometimes wonder at others, it is all part of the composition of the best place you can be without touching or seeing your people.

Any questions regarding this welcome message should be kept to yourself as we will not take responsibility for your ideas over this message.

From me, if you want to be my friend please stay away. I don't like people, I don't like cats and dogs, I don't like peace and happiness, I don't like jokes, I don't like EVERYTHING I have written here!

So don't ask me any questions!
Find somebody else!

THANK YOU & WELCOME.

DJISTER I (Don,t DARE come near me!)

[ikechiji]

Djister - You are three mush! You don kill man with laughter!

[chiiroha]

Originally Posted by ikechiji

Djister - You are three mush! You don kill man with laughter!

The guy totally blows me away... i do not do anything again oh but look for his post all around the village to read. Make Subu no catch me abi?

welldone Djister.

gd afternoon

[Dimaanu]

Djister...Djister!

Shey you can see the positive effects of having twins. You have simply gone nuclear with your imaginations.

Having said that, the Aunties are still expecting you to kill a cow for Subu. (partial delivery fees)

Great job!!!!


@ ADMIN

I propose that this thread be retained as a Sticky in the "New viilagers introduction" section.

[sandylomo]

@ ADMIN

I propose that this thread be retained as a Sticky in the "New viilagers introduction" section.

Motion Seconded!!!!

[Djister]

NVS BEHAVIOUR & ASSOCIATION GUIDE FOR NEW ARRIVALS

In furtherance of the NVS Authority’s determination to make your stay/visit memorable, they have provided another section of a lengthy guide Guide for you to acquaint yourself with.

Please use your free time or study time to ensure you are familiar with these terms, phrases and rules guiding your conduct and behaviour while in the village or its surrounding orbit:

VILLAGE ELDERS:

It is advisable that you identify Village Elders as quickly as possible. This collection of distinguished men and women are very treasured and protected in this village. They cover a large portion of the history of NVS and some of them are history in itself.

Care must be taken when approaching them and if you are running around the village in excitement, please look out for them walking, strolling, knitting, sitting quietly, reading in chairs or even attempting to renew their driving skills with bad eyesight.

You will not be forgiven for running them over, insulting them, removing their glasses or taking their walking sticks/zimmerframes/golf carts and running away for fun. This sort of behaviour is seriously frowned upon.

Please note that these Elders are 5 years old in NVS_Cyberage which translates to very old in human age. Please always say hello to them as it is nice and this helps their ageing process.

VILLAGE WOMEN:

NVS is a signatory to the Treaties and Agreements reached at the inaugural Beijin Conference on Women and also has a permanent seat at the United Nations as a Board Member of UNIFEM.

(If you don’t know any of these organisations or about any of these events, please return to the basics of the internet and google or yahoo your requests, make sure you know where Beijing is, then continue from this point....)

This distinguished position means that NVS is at the forefront of the drive to bring respect to all women of the world and Black women in particular with special focus on the Nigerian woman and female children.

In pursuance to the paragraph which precedes this, it is important to be extremely careful, curteous, respectful and protective of the women of NVS.

Chasing of any kind is prohibited unless you have attained a minimum of 300 posts and have a minimum of 500 Replies supported by at least 1000 views to your posts on NVS. Subsequent to that, you are only permitted to approach NVS women ONLY when invited but please be weary of the NVS men who would violently accost you on your way even if you have achieved the above. There is no applicable excuse of ‘Stop it, I like it’ in NVS and assumptions must not be made if you see one NVS woman doing play-play with another NVS man. Go and find your own play-play.

There is a Standing Law of NOT ‘Making Sexual’ in this village. For the benefit of those of you without much exposure to the lingo, ‘Making Sexual’ is anything that the NVS female deems to be so. You have NO opinion on this matter and if that flag is raised, please ensure that your tail is properly tucked between your legs as you rapidly withdraw from that potentially explosive scenario.

SORORITIES & FRATERNITIES:

As a very public and global village NVS replicates the environment you are moving or visiting from. You will become accustomed to the different groups who remain very loyal to themselves and spend more time with themselves doing things that only they understand. Please feel free to approach them but take each rebuff in good faith. They just don’t like you.

To make it easier on you and other newbies, better known as JJCs, here is a breakdown of the existing but extremely fluid groupings on NVS:

FRIENDS & FAMILY:

These are villagers who have helped to grow NVS and many from the beginning. The association here is by blood-ties, investment of time & effort and general likeness by the family. You may aspire to graduate to this group but remember that like in your school days, you may have to do many resits before you pass the entrance exam.

THE RUGBY BOYS:

This is a boisterous group of heavyweight male friends and residents of NVS. They usually patrol to look for noise makers who are noisier than themselves. They don’t like that.

Be careful when you come across the Rugby Boys. You must seek adequate advice before you talk to anyone of them. They like you to be nicely dressed, designer preferable, and talk nice especially to women. Do not for one moment think that you can join them in their rowdy brouhahas if not invited particularly when they have NVS women around.

They are the protectors of the NVS Architecture and Structures, extremely skilled in yabis-to-yabis combat.

THE BOOK BOYS:

NVS believes strongly in intellectual capacity although it may and should not amaze you that the bar is sometimes very low. This happens in any civilization. The BOOK BROTHERS are the high-brow, know-it-all, been-to-the-school academic males of NVS. They are not as physically intimidating as the RUGBY BOYS but can use their intellect to render you completely useless and totally minimized.

However, do not be fooled by their slight frames as they are ably supported by some weight-lifters among them and the RUGBY BOYS.

THE POLO GIRLS:

These special NVS women are the sweet honey of the beehive called NVS. They don’t like fights, don’t like harassment, don’t like infantile aggression but will, like the BOOK BROTHERS, make sure you feel the venom in their words if you trespass.

They like reading only a lot of the time and everyone says thank you to them when they choose to speak.

Regardless, they all have very warm Aunty hearts and some of them are very playful until you decide to mis-construe that playfulness for motherly love. They will smack you or simply ignore you for the rest of your residency and i can assure you it will pain you.

THE POLKA DOT GIRLS:

Now this group of NVS women are those that can face you in the main square and beat you to pulp if you try any nonsense with them. They are very nice.
They can usually be found having as much influence on a debate as the men particularly if the debate gets rowdy and is full of bad things.

The sometimes can start a camp fire and begin to dance all by themselves. This dancing may sometimes result in near nakedness. Do NOT take pictures. Do NOT assume you are invited. Do NOT send PMs to them simply because you think they are happy-go-lucky. You will get a serious confrontation from some of them that you were NEVER expecting in your life from women. They are a joy to hang out with all the same as are ALL NVS women.

THE MAINTENANCE BOYS:

These are hard-drinking, hard-talking no-holds-barred villagers who work on the Eastside during the day and come rumbling into the village square and other parts when they have a break or too. They are known for their friendly but daring interactions and conversations particularly with the women and the Authorities. You will notice them in soiled-dungarees and very large veined biceps. Please again, take advice as these are the protectors of the village that are skilled in hand-to-hand combat. The Chinese have not been able to beat them with all their kung-fu.

PLEASE, and this a capital please, be very careful in deciding to take on the MAINTENANCE BOYS because you did Karate in Primary 1. Some of them are known to use broken coca-cola bottles to brush their teeth in the mornings before heading out to the Eastside.

THE BIKER BOYS:

These villagers, and yes they are also villagers because NVS welcomes everyone without bias to creed, colour, race, location, ideology, sex, church, tribe, height or weight. This is a full compliment village.

These villagers, as I was saying, are mostly found in the bars where heavy-duty and sometimes indistinguishable discussions are being held. The topics will be varied and almost certainly at some point confusing. It does not matter.

However, the BIKER BOYS are under constant surveillance even when they return to their huts in the village because they have the potential to flare-up even if you innocently knock on the windows. They are usually matched closely, Argument for Argument, Missed-point for Missed-point by the following group.

THE OPPOSITION BOYS:

These are also villagers that formed a group to counter the impact on the arrival of the BIKER BOYS. If you have ever watched in the cinema, where the Harley Davidson Crew walk into a bar, some of the patrons will stand against the wall while some will look at themselves, gather together and all look across at the crew that just walked in. These are the OPPOSITION BOYS. Anything the BIKER BOYS can do, the OPPOSITION BOYS can do too.

NVS monitors very closely the interaction between the BIKER BOYS and the OPPOSITION BOYS. This is done from the Tower you may have noticed on top of the Administration Building as you came in.

Please note, if you are afraid at this point, that ALL NVS villagers are loyal to the village but like you know in life there are moments of the Good, The Bad and the Ugly. So don’t be afraid, the village has a very sophisticated security system in place.

You may proceed to select which Sorority or Fraternity you think you belong to but please let them know you are a newbie and loyal to their cause. Otherwise you may wish to start your own sorority or fraternity such as Mothers with 1 Child, Mothers with no Husbands, Men with Ego Problems, Broke Always etc etc. Contact Admin for registration.

WORLD FAMOUS ROFOROFOs:

NVS from time to time will have a carnival-like atmosphere where many villagers will assemble via text messages (yes we are a technologically advanced village), whistle calls (you will lern the special calls), hand signals and other means of communication, indications of the advent of what is known as a Roforofo.

Now, the advice here is for you, if you so choose, to rush across from wherever you are in the village to witness a confrontation of two or more villagers or groups over a sometimes meaningless but exciting argument or debate. Please ensure that if you are NOT used to these types of events, you must be positioned far away from the central activity but with a good enough view of the happenings. The Bleachers at our stadium have been designed for this.

However, if you have this sort of experience and for one moment in time think that you can hold your own with or without flak-jackets, please be advised that NVS will not take ANY responsibility, Legal or otherwise for your condition before, during and after the said Roforofo.

Do not also be deluded that if the Roforofo is not going your way that anyone will come to your rescue. It is up to you to crawl back to your hut and live to argue another day as our ambulances and fire engines are designed to only cater for non-roforofo emergencies.

If you think you need it, take this advice and always ask first if the impending Roforofo is worth entering into with a particular villager or group. It pays to be aware of this and that villager’s support group.

FINALLY, in this section of your guide, enjoy everything about NVS and please invite your friends too. There will be more entries into the guide for newbies as the Council on Nationality and Membership Affairs meets.

Be aware that all you have read is really up to you to take it anyway you like. NVS is not a baby-sitting village and does not take responsibility for this message and guide. It is done as a humanitarian service at great cost to and no revenue for NVS.
So it is not important how you view it.

We shall also try and put out a Dictionary of Terms and Phrases plus a High-school styled Photobook of villagers to acquaint you with profiles and characters.

Your comments and thanks are welcome but please don't expect any replies. If such come then count yourself lucky and possibly liked.

WELCOME AGAIN.

Djister I

[Djister]

NVS – RESIDENTS ID PARADE FOR NEW ARRIVALS.

Dear Newbies,

As you can see from our excellently designed and ergonomic village architecture, we have made available a frame on the porch of every hut so that the resident can be identified without going inside. This frame is for displaying the photograph (not picture, we speak good English here!) of the resident.

The purpose, like in every civilized society is to ensure both the correct identification of the resident and indeed for your own safety, in case you wander around aimlessly or under the influence of something, into the wrong hut.

There has been on record at the damages office, the effect of mis-directed trespassers and the consequences of such mundane actions.

Therefore the committee has decided for the present villagers who like to drink too much and stumble into wrong huts, especially the female-occupied ones, and also newbies who will after being here for years still claim they don’t know their way home, the following is for your wallets, purses, sashes, waistbands, back-packs and any other containers you choose to carry your mobile belongings in:

(Please study & memorize their faces and brief intros so you know who to smile at, make friends with, run away from, be nice to as you would to every villager etc. etc.)

This section of your guide is very long as there are many members, so please ensure that you read it bit by bit everyday and you may possibly finish it before you leave voluntarily to be back later, are driven away by the excellent standards here which may exceed your handling capabilities or are glamourized at one of our excellent services.

(Also note that this is presented in no particular order and NVS shall not take responsibility for you choosing to greet one resident better, and be afflicted with the consequences thereof, than the other on the basis of this.)


We will start with our Most Distinguished NVS Women (1-10):




EMJ. This is primarily because you all must be hungry from your long journeys out here. EMJ is the one woman you can be sure will have food hence her visibility on issues of hunger and stomach ulcers. If you like food you will like EMJ.

Warning: If you must, please use the expressions ati be be lo..; drat and double drat...; Hmmm...; cut that crap...; ONLY after having received Copyright permission from EMJ else your hunger problems may multiply.

EMJ is very friendly and a good sister, very true but she is also good friends with my wife Subu, to have in this village, please forward all your food requirements to her hut.

You are advised not to take EMJ for granted as you may remain hungry for a long time, if you cannot cook for yourself, as she is sometimes known to suddenly disappear to places like Tibet. In your hunger, if you dont know where Tibet is that is yet another of your own Shalala.

A champion of women's causesEMJ also likes to work on village projects, especially concerning children and young ones. I can say that because she is one of the numerous godmothers of my twins, Djister I & Djister II.




ANIKE. A very nice woman who lives in the Ilu Anago suburb of the village. Please refrain from asking me for directions as I have never been there. Anike is one of those that was mentioned in your guide earlier. Please show respect if you want her to be your friend.

You must also be able to speak a lot of English as she is most likely to curtail your bad language and frown at your use of choice words around her. A senior lady in this village, Anike will report you if you do any bad thing or even smack your hand to put you in order. But if you are good you will get to hear her sing.

If you are her friend, you will enjoy the beautiful things that she says, I cant tell you about those because you have to earn your own. If you are not her friend it will pain you.




SERIOUS_NAIJABABE. Do not be fooled by the colourful Indian look in front of her hut, SNB to her friends, which you have not qualified to use yet, is exactly what her name says.

A naija babe that coes not talk very much, she will look at you and you will get the message. She is friends with all the ladies and can be found where there are serious discussions on women, food, parties and life in general. She meditates a lot and likes music most of the villagers cannot hear, so please don’t disturb her when she has her veil on.

SNB likes Ofada Rice Stew and spends a lot of time helping the patients in Palaver Hut. She travels far through this great village of ours everyday as her hut is in the suburb called Obodo Oyinbo. Please look at your street and district maps.





DIMAANU. I cannot tell you why this elegant female lives in the Igwe’s palace, as there are yet to be elections for the post of village Igwe, but she is the only known Lolo in the village. Going by her earrings you must recognize that she is important. She is also the Adviser-General of NVS, which means she must have approved you being here.

You can tell she is a very busy woman by the number of posts by her window. Lolo Dimaanu is regularly found to care for troubled minds, giving advice, directing people and a general good person.

It is important to note that Lolo Dimaanu is NOT one of the people you aspire to have a Roforofo with. This will be extremely detrimental to your survival her. While she may retain her dignity as Lolo of NVS, there are many who will take the battle to you.

As Adviser-General of NVS, you will likely find her in every part of the village giving that advice, so be nice to her if you arrived here with problems such as split-personality, insomnia, restlessness and if you are female, please be assured of calm and control with Lolo Dimaanu.




SOULSISTA. SoulSista also known as SoulSizzling is one of the many intellectual women in this village. She is very well liked and used to run a part of the reading section where many used to go and listen to her read from her diary.

NVS was thrown into panic once, when it was discovered that SS did not have her diary anymore. The investigation unit is still out there in the galaxy trying to recover it. We all wait with prayers and bated breath.

SS is a leading lady on women’s issues and is likely to be found where matters concerning women development and protection are being discussed. It is important to note that SS does not like bad words otherwise you will experience large english words you cannot interprete used on you.

Sometimes you may not be able to identify SS because she may look like Angelique Kidjoe, a famous female Black African singer or even Like Hilary Clinton, a famous White female politician. But be assured that if you want to find SS, please raise your noses in the air and follow the trail of Booli (aka Roasted Plantain).

Many of you new females will find SS to be accommodating of your problems and issues in the Woman to Woman section or Palaver Hut.




.BEBI. Yes for you unbelievers, that is her name. .BEBI is one of the villagers that you will need at one timeor the other during your residency here. Particularly if you are used to getting yourself involved in roughouse activities where medical attention is required.

Male or female, .BEBI will stich you up and send you on your merry way. As is common in her profession, .BEBI is a caring and affectionate person who will sympathise with you over your ailments and afflictions.

You will find .BEBI in the village clinic or, if she chooses to wander, in the Woman to Woman sector.

.BEBI is also very capable of defending herself and others, please do not attempt under any know or imagined heading, to flex your puny muscles at .BEBI.




MULAN. It is very easy for newbies like yourselves to be mis-led by first impressions. When you see the photograph in front of MULAN’s hut, you may think initially that a cartoon character lives there.

MULAN is a tough woman who is one of the hardest working women in the village. She is a great organizer and supporter of people. She has been known to be involved in a few of our world famous Roforofos, whether started by her or in support of a friend. That is how loyal MULAN can be.

If your want to see MULAN without travelling too far, please acquaint yourselves with happenings in the Woman to Woman section, The Lounge and other relaxed areas of the village. Please be assured that if you are mulan’s friend, she will be there whether you are right or wrong.




GENTLE ANGEL. Like most NVS women, GA to us, is very gentle and speaks in quiet tones. She will not reveal too much to you or even me, so dont feel too bad, but will make numerous contributions to conversations and debates.

GA is more likely to tell your to make your own contributions than yell at you to stop being silly. But that is in no way a indication of whether she is a softee in times of acrimony.

GA is known to have some close friends in the village and is more likely to be wherever you find them. She keeps herself busy with the posts she has to deal with and will give you the necessary directions on issues if she is not too busy.



CALIST. For those of you newbies just arriving, you may get the first impression that CALIST looks like Victoria Beckham. Don’t worry, it happens all the time until you get used to seeing her around.

CALIST writes a lot and is nearly always where issues of women are being discussed. Generational issues. Protection issues. Issues bordering on women’s experiences.

A very direct contributor to many issues, CALIST you will find is very selective about what she says and to whom. I can’t tell you too much about her, as I have not interacted that much and you may find the same experience but that again is another Shalala for you to deal with.


BEAMBOLLA. Some NVS women don't want you to know what they look like so you may find their photographs missing from the frames. However, this may be their personal choices or whether they just don't want you to recognize them when they are crossing the square or going about their village business.

BB is one of those popular NVS women who has a wide range of friends including men and women. She has been known to engage either sex in long discussions on a variety of topics.

She likes to smile and wink a lot but what this translates into is difficult to determine. Please as previously advised, do not make assumptions on that.


The respect of NVS women is the beginning of Wisdom.

To Be Continued.....

Djister I

PS.These short profiles are NOT the OFFICIAL profiles by NVS but a Social Responsibility contribution by the Welcome Ushers Union. The more extensive profiles will be made possible as soon as it is available. Thank You

[Anike]

Six words: Who is this man called Djister?

[Djister]

NVS – RESIDENTS ID PARADE FOR NEW ARRIVALS.


I trust that your continued study of NVS personalities is going well and I am proud that none of you has collided yet with any of the distinguished individuals here, except an in-coming report of a Joviotite who experienced a near miss.

You will be glad to know that he is was helped by my humble self and others to avoid a first-day fracas which could have been seriously injurious to his stay here.

We thank God for near misses and continued well being. Halleluya? Thank You.

Our orientation of NVS personalities continues as we have a very long way to go and the village press is at this time very busy with printing of materials for the NVS 5th Anniversary Celebrations. Hip Hip Hip!!! Hurray! Thank you.

As I have duly imbibed some of the liquid entertainment so freely available in our ultra-modern cafeteria, as I can see all of you new arrivals have also done, it is advisable that we take the listing sloooowly.

So the number listed will be done small by small, short and sweet for easy consumption as it has been reported that some newbies are slooooow readers (hic!):

Most Distinguished NVS Women (11-20):

NUMBER 11.

VOR. Like Lolo Dimaanu, OLORI VOR is another long-standing NVS woman with a traditional title. Again refrain from asking me why because I am not here to answer such questions!

Olori VOR is a direct and sometimes forward-facing NVS female. She will stand firm on her beliefs and give you a straighter-than-expected direct answer or retort to your question or comment. You are likely to find her in the largest bar rumbling the discussions with a lot of people. Don’t ask me her favourite drink as I have not said she drank in the bar.

Be assured that unless you are well prepared to justify your commentary or actions, you do not want Olori VOR to interrogate you. She is a very nice woman.

She is a woman who has a lot of Airmiles as she lives here in the village but frequently when there is no music heard from her hut, it is because she is in the UK or Nigeria.

Olori VOR is known to be good friends with all the women especially one she refers to often as Iya Aafin. For those of you non-bilingual newbies, that means Albino’s Mother.

You may be lucky to meet Iya Aafin during your stay here or you may never get to know her. Yet another Shalala to deal with.


To Be Continued.....

Djister I

PS. These short profiles are NOT the OFFICIAL profiles by NVS but a Social Responsibility contribution by the Welcome Ushers Union. The more extensive profiles will be made possible as soon as it is available. Thank You

[Djister]

ATTENTION NEWBIES!!

It has been brought to my attention that some of you may have questions. Please post ANY questions you may have and I will try & get round to them personally as I don't have a PA. Please don't bother to apply as the position of PA is not open and I have an Oga.

However, I advise you to keep up the Thanks, especially to the resident villagers and 'elders' it is a sure way to become liked in this village.

If newbies have questions as to my Identity and Status in this village, please feel free to start a thread. Do not attempt to ask me.

I will not contribute to your thread though, as mine is a very sensitive, important, maybe-one-day influential and secretive position held in this village.

This notice excludes the Village Elders.


Thank You.

Djister I


PS. Newbies please return to your guide. Thank you.

@Aunty ANIKE,

I am the one that brings your newspapers to your hut every morning. I hope you are still enjoying the pictures and stories in them.

Yes, with the mask, shine-shine black shirt and black cape, carrying a long whip and riding that noisy black horse.

Yes, I know you don't get to see my face and I am sorry for any inconvenience the noise of the Horse causes you sometimes. It is very difficult for these animals to wake up for their rounds as they eat too much good food in this village.

I have asked for alternative transportation to cover the great distances within this village and the Authorities are working on it. Plans are on-going to make sure my travels a less noisy.

I remain loyal.

Djister I (Newbies, please take note of the good English when communicating with Village Elders)

[emj]

Hmmm.......Djister I is dat guy dat lurks around da square, he pretends not to notice u, but believe u me, he watches ya every move. He looks harmless and even gives you a harmless smile.......even jest around, but omo....hmm


Anywaz, he's trying to profile us, and his attempt at it is beautiful/laudable...but can someone pls tell him to cut da crap sharp sharp...or i will send him on exile

Okay....am waiting for someone who is brave enough to profile my Oga Massa(Abraxas)....only dose/those who wia around during the heated debates on TTA(third term agenda) need try.

I was reminiscenting with an old nvs member about those days...when my Oga will tell dat prophet with MBA after his name to depart and go on voluntary exile....and also ILN when he was always loving OBJoke no matter what dat Otta farmer does...even when da baba was making obvious mistakes ILN will still love him totitorun...ekwe, dose/those wia da real days...gone for ever.

PS>>>>>ojare back to my guguru and groundnut......who tiff my Pina Colada..hic, hic, hic

[Djister]

NVS – RESIDENTS ID PARADE FOR NEW ARRIVALS.

Dear JJCs,

It is always good for newbies like you to be alerted to the Nature, Nuances & Culture of a place like NVS. The Variety you will find may amaze you and maybe sometimes confuse you.

Also, depending on who you are, you may find your type or extreme opposites. Whatever it is, look carefully, Choose carefully and align judiciously.

After the long weekend of jollifications and enjoyments triggered by the announcement of the year-long celebration of our 5th anniversary, I stumble gently back to work and continue my community service of provide, Profiles, Early-warning systems and notifications to you newbies.

Therefore I continue where I was before the celebratory liquid entertainment interrupted us:

AMY. AMY belongs to the category of NVS Women who can get anything you want for you. Amy can give you reference information if you need to back a point or an argument in the village. Sometimes the villagers look for Amy and you will find her most of the time behind the books, racing through the pages to provide justification or current examples of whatever discussion is going on in the village.

It was originally believed that Amy was a POLKA DOT GIRL but doubts have since arisen and greater suspicion is that she is a POLO GIRL.

If you want to engage Amy, please keep your ears and eyes open for notices on discussions hovering on Political, especially international, issues.

If you like books, facts, figures or generally quoting one person or the other, you will like Amy.

VAYA CON DIOS. Any smart-alec amongst you who refers to VcD as a video recording device will have to answer to the council of elders. A very important woman who spreads the love of the Heavenly one as calling her name is always an act of sharing blessings.

However, do not be misled by her name and though it is true that she is God-fearing and humble, VcD is not afraid to take any one down if there was the need for it, It has been on record that VcD can start a war all by herself and it still remains a mystery to the investigative authorities of such occurrences that no trace or evidence of her presence is ever found durin investigations.

It is a strong part of village folklore that when there has been an explosion and investigations are carried out, rumours of her presence or involvement cannot be proven as Vaya con Dios is said to Go with God.

CRIMSONBABE. CB is a special NVS Woman. She lives n one of the windiest parts of the village so visiting her may require wind-breakers, wind-shields and all such protective outfits.

It is usual to wait for CB in the Woman to Woman section or the Lounge. She is also known to be a party girl who will attend any of the Village festivities.

Rumour has it that CB is a very serious NVS woman with a big heart and commitment to her family in her hut. This is why she is not often seen around the village but you will notice her presence from her occasional appearances or raised voice from time to time.

ROSE. Like most women you will meet here in NVS, ROSE is like the flower. Sweet. If you dont like flowers or roses in particular, that is your Shalala.

She is also very funny and sometimes will baffle you with her questions. Please refer all confusion which may arise to ROSE herself as I also sometimes find it difficult to explain it.

It is suspected that ROSE arrived in NVS from one of those islands where the typical NVS village did not reside. However, since her arrival, ROSE has been a revelation and let me warn you JJCs, she is full of surprises and should not be made to bare her teeth at you.

ROSE is gentle and will always provide a shoulder for you JJCs to cry on, not that NVS is a baby-sitting village I repeat but sometimes people look for kind faces and nice hearts or simply have excess tears in their ducts which need off-loading. If you like crying please make your way to the front of ROSE’s hut, she will be there soon.

IZONERE. You cannot miss IZONERE in this village. That is a statement as sure as you know your real names better than anyone else does.

NVS has a seaside and a few wharfs and lots of waterfront promenades. If you don’t know where they are, simply look in your NVS Village A-Z or collide from time to time with Villagers who reside and control such areas.

One of the toughest women in NVS is IZONERE. What can this guide tell you about her? Nothing other than to state that you will See, IZONERE, You will Experience, IZONERE and if you are lucky, you will face the full-wrath of IZONERE. So that is all you need to know about IZONERE.

If you like excitement, sometimes want to raise your thatched roof or even raise someone else’s thatched-roof for fun, then you have a friend in IZONERE. The word SHY does not apply to her and it should not apply to you if you are going to be her friend. A definition of a POLKA DOT GIRL on two legs.

OVERLOAD. If it were allowed in the Village Constitution for there to be direct physical confrontation where punches, kicks, slaps were not restricted or weaponry allowed as part of the instruments of battle between men and women, then OVERLOAD will be at the forefront of NVS women. She is very nice.

She is so nice that ALL NVS men make sure they say hello and nice things to her even when she is not looking. I am doing now by saying, she is very nice. I swear.

OVERLOAD will stand up for me and any of you female newbies if you are finding things difficult or facing any kind of harassment from anybody in NVS. She is very nice.

NVS men all like OVERLOAD, true. We all admire her strength, courage, beauty and wish to have no shalalas with her. OVERLOAD should be one of your first blocks in building your support foundation. She is nice.

FISHPORTWATERSIDEPIKIN. FPWP is one NVS woman that you don’t hear many villagers calling her name often. This has nothing to do with how much she is liked or known. It is simply because her name is too long to mess around with too often.

If you are dyslexic you will miss her name plate in front of her hut. If tongue-twisters give you migraines then please quickly adopt a gesture/signal to call her attention if you need to reach her.

Like other waterside residents and natives of NVS seaside, FPWP is very funny and can be found telling jokes to passersby in front of the Jokes Hall. You may not understand her language from time to time if she switches to the local native waterside lingo but never mind many in the village sometimes feel the same.

However, if you are a JJC/Newbie and still on probation, please do not attempt wisecracks or unfunny jests with FPWP because she is a powerful person in the NVS Immigration and Clearance Unit.

SANDYLOMO. SL, a cat-loving woman. A home-girl, she is known as La-ti-Le, who is a fun-loving har-playing, hard-working and grounded to the bone. SL gives as much as she takes and is sometimes found rolling with the punches as she interacts with both the male and female villagers.

She is very king to strangers and if you are a stray, it will not be surprising that you will find comfort with the woman La-ti-Le.

Anyway you shake SL, she will rise and face up to you again. SL can be found in a variety of areas in NVS and not unusually where the men are gathered as she is not afraid of or intimidated by them. In fact it is on record that SL can make a man tremble so much upon crossing the line with her that the WHOLE village had to stop just to get her to simmer down. She is very nice.

ATOMIC KITTEN. AK is a quietly explosive feline-natured NVS woman. Those of you newbies who can figure things out did so from her name, abi? Like many NVS women AK speaks large volumes in a small voice.

AK has one of the largest LCD screens in her hut as she is known to stay indoors a lot and give frequent reports on what is going on around the village from what is currently showing on screen. I personally think that she has picture-in-picture on that her TV.

AK has very close friends here in NVS and is currently working as a volunteer on the Presidential Campaign team of one of the contestants, while on sabbatical from her duty-post in the village.

To Be Continued.....

Djister I

PS. These short profiles are NOT the OFFICIAL profiles by NVS but a Social Responsibility contribution by the Welcome Ushers Union. The more extensive profiles will be made possible as soon as it is available. Thank You

[oh baby]

Djister, the Djister,na wah oh,o ga ju.

[Djister]

NVS – RESIDENTS ID PARADE FOR NEW ARRIVALS.

Dear JJCs,

We hope you are enjoying your orientation so far and have discovered things you like about NVS.

If you are yet to find a corner you like, it is either because you cannot find your way around a wallet or simply don’t like reading directions. Anyway, we shall continue to offer you the best avenues to continue your search for a Hut, Excitement or Argument whichever so turns you on.

Back at the office, my Boss informed me that the restlessness caused by this guide, especially the wait for a Male list, is beginning to worry him. So it is our intention to familiarize you with them as soon as possible. The Women continues:

TECHSISTA . It is rare to find a good female electrician in any village. It is also rare to find a woman who can deal with all and any issues of wires and cables. We don’t have any here, but we have TECHSISTA.

TECHSISTA (no relation to SoulSista) is our top technology woman with resourcefulness for solving technical matters. If any of you brought Laptops, Desktops and even your Bluetops, Yellowtops or any other tops to NVS and you have a problem please proceed to TECHSISTA.

You can also find TECHSISTA if you need resolution to other matters but I must warn you that she is very direct and clinical. If any of you succeed in making her laugh during your 1st year here, then you win a prize. She is very nice. I personally like TECHSISTA because she is the only female villager that can fix my ATARI games console. She really is cool.

LIZMOSES. If it is your birthday or you are doing Iko mo, naming or packing a child, please make sure you contact LIZMOSES. You see every once in a while we all need help. Help is the same whether for Sanity sake or Cellebration. You need someone that will calm you down and show you how to do it right. That is LIZMOSES.

A super mommy villager that you can rely on to temper your blood rush and stop you from doing crazy things to yourself. She is very nice.

Please note that everytime you are in contact with LIZMOSES, beware of watching eyes of a Mr. MOSES. Nobody has seen him before but everyone knows he is there like a looming shadow when you are near his madam. She is very very nice.

LIZMOSES is certainly a woman for all you who need care and comforting. This includes those of you who are away from home for the first time and the trauma of being detatched from your blankets may be too much to bear. Have no fears, LIZMOSES is here. Also beware, Mr. MOSES is there.


MS. WOMAN. There are NVS women and then there is MS. WOMAN. .
This is our top Ajala-travel trader of textiles and commodities. Catch Ms. Woman around the village before she goes off to strange places like Singapore, Malaysia etc to purchase the next big thing in Lace and Geles.

I personally purchase my Brocade wears from Ms. Woman. You should see me, if you can identify me, is the various colours and as Obasanjo once said to Agbani Dorego, I look ‘Resplendent in my Splendour’ of those outfits.

Ms.Woman hangs out a lot when she is around, with the POLO GIRLS but I think she is really a closet POLKA DOT GIRL. She has this very nice husband who does not live in the village but is always happy to see her go on her trips.

Someone told me, and me alone, that this was his way of having space to breathe from the sometimes strong bearhugs full of love and motherly care. I don’t know.
The young village ladies like Ms. Woman. I like Ms. Woman. Everybody likes Ms. Woman. You will like Ms. Woman.

NVS is a loving village. Seasonally, that is season to season in case you wondered, there is a lot of love you will notice going around. The confirmation of the love season is when you frequently hear calls for the next ladies:


Je’TAIME. I Love You too, that is not a message from me but what is always on her T-shirt. She is calm and she is cool and smiles of love fill her face and the faces of those who call her. Newbies please don’t get too excited, especially you males, because you need to graduate to whispering her name in her ear. When villagers hear you shouting it across the square, we easily identify you as JJCs because you are evidently not close to her yet.

Je’TAIME sneaks in and out of the cafes around the square not because she is a secret drinker on a pub crawl but because she prefers to surprise everyone from time to time.

She will sneak up on conversations and before anyone notices she is gone! That is when the men in the village shout her name to get her back but like true love, in an instant it is gone again! Je’TAIME.


EYE_CATCHER. The sleek Yanga lady of the village. If you don’t know the meaning of Yanga, I can’t be bothered to explain. Please consult the Official NVS PIDGIN DICTIONARY under construction.

True to her name, EYE_CATCHER will catch your eye with her comments but you never know where you will find her. Hanging around the Lounge or crossing the village square. She likes Town Hall meetings and is always seen raising her hand to say something and if not allowed, she will say it anyway. Such is the Freedom of Expression in NVS.

Some say that EYE_CATCHER is so named not because she catches your eye but that she is capable of removing your eye if you cross her wrongly. I wonder why she never bothers to remove both eyes. She is very nice. I hope you JJCs are noticing how I always include the phrase ‘She is Very Nice’ when it concerns NVS women I personally don’t want to get on their wrong sides. You are advised to adopt the same tactic.

OH BABY. They say OH BABY is the cutest villager since George Bush Declared war on Iraq. If you don’t know who George Bush is then you really belong in another village. You can be forgiven for not knowing where Iraq is because you will not be alone as nobody wants to go there anyway.

Just like before, calling OH BABY has to be done carefully because you may give the impression that you are doing some bad and naughty things in your huts. Ensure that whichever way you shout OH BABY in NVS you need to have your hands up in the air and very visible to all onlookers.

OH BABY comes to you naturally. Cool. Very Cool. She has the tendency to make you smile sheepishly at your computer, if you have one or the large LCD screen in the cafeteria if you are one of those who cannot cook in your huts and have to eat out always.
She is not easy to know and is very selective about which villagers she wants to make friends with. If she does not choose you, you know the next thing I will say. That is your own personal Shalala. She is very nice.


SWEET-JOY. This bubbly woman is full of jolly-beans. You can find hers in the most active parts of the village with the men or the women. She has more energy than my oga on Viagra. She welcomes you newbies then runs off to the admin building stopping by to say hello to everyone in the cafeteria. Like in CHEERS, everyone knows her name. If you don’t know CHEEERS, then .........

SWEET-JOY likes cartoons and is often seen around the square dragging POCAHONTAS along with her. If you hear Pocahontas screaming while being dragged by the hair, don’t worry too much it is their way of expressing their friendship. Please be advised that this sort of friendship is for SWEET-JOY and her close friend alone. Do not feel the ure to join in thank you.

SWEET-JOY will dance, clap and shake body at the slighted hint of music. Sometimes everyone wonders where the party is at but only SWEET-JOY, the bubbly bubbles of the NVS, is sure.

Careful also when screaming SWEET-JOY! Make sure your hands are up in the air and in full view of...you know the rest. She is very nice.


POOKY. She is here and not a rookie. POOKY came over from a sports city somewhere south of the North Pole called Hotlanta. I don’t know why she would have wanted to live there. However, like where she came from, after a long ride on something she calls the MARTA, she sometimes has large thunderous appearances, violently hot comments or even cool dark suggestions which are difficult to decipher. If you don’t know the meaning of decipher, then........she is very very very nice.

POOKY will share her large collection of African Beats but please don’t ask to borrow from her collection of even dare to take any piece behind her back. She is too nice.
POOKY also has a very large collection of books. She like to read and sometimes you will find her stretching up to get a book in the village library. Some of you may be surprised we have a library but we do. Being a villager is not all about Babes, Booze and Banishments.

The very artistic POOKY likes to be by herself in a world of Books, Music and Letters. Approach her slowly and later you can be her friend. She does not like rushians and if you are one, too bad for you. It is better to be Ukrainian than rushian with POOKY. So please do not rush her

To Be Continued.....

Djister I



PS. These short profiles are NOT the OFFICIAL profiles by NVS but a Social Responsibility contribution by the Welcome Ushers Union. The more extensive profiles will be made possible as soon as it is available. Thank You

[Palamedes]

Djister

NVS – RESIDENTS ID PARADE FOR NEW ARRIVALS.

Amy is this, Rose is that...how the hell do you come to this conclusion about these people, unless you know them in real life? What? Just by reading and interpreting TEXT as if they have any resemblance to Tarot cards? What a load of rubbish?

The Internet requires a different mindset, a different mental model [read: mental model] ]that is not consistence with the mental model of a real village. With great respect to Rose, who knows, Rose could be a man or a boy or girl or anything she wants to be on the Internet—and that is the beauty of the Internet--, how then can anybody claim authoritative knowledge about Rose, to advice newbies. Come off it! Be serious!

If you are a newbie, first erase what you have read above; my advice is “be afraid of the Internet”, and do be very careful about disclosing your personal details to anyone. Express yourself freely and participate in discussions. Don't be a "cheerleader," a “cut and paster;” don't be a coward but give twice as hard as you take from any sod and leave some reserves in case... But remember that it is only a discussion, argument or debate, and don't take nasty comments directed at you too personal. And tomorrow is a new day.

You will find that there are many small minded villagers who are yet to evolve out of the small village mentality of antiquity; who see NVS as a real village (I tell you, one even threatened to give me a good beating as in doing a GBH on a human being! Ha, go on and have a belly laughter at their expense, if you so desire) but you must not be like them, that is to say, don't keep a diary of people you dislike or like simply because you disagree or agree with their views on certain issues-- except, of course, those who want to destroy your country, which by implication means destroying you. After all, you don't know any of these people.

Don't join any alliance or "cyber cult", you don't know who might be behind them. It could be a paedophile trying to gain your confidence before grooming you. Sometimes, you might find that a villager who often defends something—say, homosexuality--will start accusing you of being one. Be very careful, such person might be testing to set you up for something. Scary, isn't it? That's why you ought to be afraid and very careful indeed.

As for the "friendship thing" with other villagers, I ask you this question: when you go into a “cyber cafe”, how many people there would you want to befriend? Did I hear you say, “Very few?” There, I thought I heard you right the first time. If you are a newbie reading this, then Welcome! And good day to you all.

[Abraxas]

Hi, Djister, my buroda!

Family, nko? And de shooldrens? Shubu, nko? How work? How Village? How country? Weather, nko ... ati, global warming? We t'ank GOD. Glory be, Allahluiya!

Ol' boiy, where yoo dey? I done send so many pipul from our Village High Commission make dem find yoo, sake of sey, we want invite yoo as our special rapporteur for de house warming and opening ceremony of the new Village Twin Towers Complex, post-Ground Zero.

I beg yoo, jo, make yoo try look inside ya PM inbox, see de plenty-plenty letter wey dey wait yoo. Try find small time answer me, either by PM, or for dis thread. Ol' boiy, make yoo find time reply me quick-quick.

Thank yoo {yoo hear?}

I dey come, {yoo hear?} Hold small, make I come.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Village High Commissioner (still in compulsory vacation mode)

[emj]

Originally Posted by Abraxas

Hi, Djister, my buroda!

Family, nko? And de shooldrens? Shubu, nko? How work? How Village? How country? Weather, nko ... ati, global warming? We t'ank GOD. Glory be, Allahluiya!

Ol' boiy, where yoo dey? I done send so many pipul from our Village High Commission make dem find yoo, sake of sey, we want invite yoo as our special rapporteur for de house warming and opening ceremony of the new Village Twin Towers Complex, post-Ground Zero.

I beg yoo, jo, make yoo try look inside ya PM inbox, see de plenty-plenty letter wey dey wait yoo. Try find small time answer me, either by PM, or for dis thread. Ol' boiy, make yoo find time reply me quick-quick.

Thank yoo {yoo hear?}

I dey come, {yoo hear?} Hold small, make I come.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Village High Commissioner (still in compulsory vacation mode)

And he has 12hrs to respond to those Pms and messages, or there will be Unrest and Turbo-Nuclear Shakement in his Domain.......VQAS

[Dimaanu]

Originally Posted by emj

And he has 12hrs to respond to those Pms and messages, or there will be Unrest and Turbo-Nuclear Shakement in his Domain.......VQAS

Countess,

Please turn off that megaphone. I am taking my siesta.

Is the vacation over already?

[emj]

Originally Posted by Dimaanu

Countess,

Please turn off that megaphone. I am taking my siesta.

Is the vacation over already?:confused1

Yep....double up and report/meet us at the cooling area quick/fast...Operation RDU

Count down to Open Sesame

[Djister]

If Dimaanu, Abraxas and my SoleSista EMJ can ask me then who am I to refuse? I gratefully accept and Thank You.

Djister