I am here to stay!

[Iphey]

Originally Posted by Dimaanu

Madam Emj,

Na Cordelia, wey dey for Reception tell me say you call for office today.
Ewooo, di thing pain me say I no dey dat taim.
Hmmm, I been run go Art Gallery to select some paintings for di men wey de refurbish your office. You no fit recognize your office when you return, walahi!
New carpet, new furniture, new dis and dat Oga Abraxas sef leave instruction say "spare no expense".

I hope say you go come back from the Islands before traveling to Spain, abi na from there you go travel?

Make you call again ooo

Dimaanu
TIO

I hope Philo and Cordelia gave you my message my dear. Please ensure that you file my own paper work for my own office to be redecorated by the time I return from maternity vacation. The last time I attended the board meeting during the deliberations to hire AfroPoet, I did not like how the office was looking. It was as if some people had been partying there, with cigar burns on my oak wood desk, ash on my lush brown carpets and the curtains torn in different places?

Please what was going on there in my absence?

[oguzie j.j.]

Chei this our fillage sweet o.

This pikin wey sey in trust na for God side be original pikin from obodo 9ja.

Walahi plenty dey phor eberi body to choplate no bi small.

My pikin i go beta phor u. Pikin wey respect elders eldership go reach hin hand.

I beg dis good leg wey u carri come phor we fillage make u continue u hia.

wellucome .

[Dimaanu]

Originally Posted by Iphey

I hope Philo and Cordelia gave you my message my dear. Please ensure that you file my own paper work for my own office to be redecorated by the time I return from maternity vacation. The last time I attended the board meeting during the deliberations to hire AfroPoet, I did not like how the office was looking. It was as if some people had been partying there, with cigar burns on my oak wood desk, ash on my lush brown carpets and the curtains torn in different places?

Please what was going on there in my absence?

Hi Ms Iphey,

I am sorry for not getting back to you earlier, hmmmm! na my cousin's sister's wedding I attend o. She been talk say she no go marry sake of say she get correct job, berra house and plenti plenti greens for bank.
Her motto before na "I'm self-sufficient." Na im she jam dis bobo, no do, no do, she carry her motto troway for bush come fix wedding date wey be today.
Di thing wey come surprise me again be say as di Priest ask am to repeat im vows, check it out:

Priest: I, Ms Self-sufficient, take thee Mr Macho man,
Bride: I, Ms Self-sufficient, take thee Mr Macho man,
Priest: To be my lawfully wedded husband
Bride: To be my lawfully wedded ( the dam broke)

Wetin she de cry for? Na so she come delay the whole process for about 5 minutes and dats why I came home late.

Moving on to the issue of your office.
I am not supposed to reveal this to you. Gosh! I'm so confused Should I? Shouldn't I? Oh well, please do not say I told you. Just know that you re the one spoiling your surprise

The day you came to the office for that board meeting, we were instructed to disorganize everything in your office (na me tear di curtains with my two hands). Those things were not cigar burns, Haba Ms.Iphey, you don tey for dis maternity leave o. Did you forget that VTT is a "No smoking" zone. Na candle wax Philo use do dat one. The plan na to make your office look jagajaga so dat when you come back, you will be surprised by the new furnishing. (BTW, Philo dey for suspension o. Dem say they catch am as she de steal from di things one JJC bring for di elders. Her letter say na "Pilfering".)

Make I no tell you everything about your office now. Just get ready to be surprised. They even build small Nursery join for di back Just wait!

How Bomboy now? Take care o.

Dimaanu
SIO, O/c VSS ( You see my new title? Oga Abraxas give me promotion come transfer me go anoda Department)

[INGODWETRUST]

Oga Don Abraxas Sir, Oga Madam Emj ma, Oga Ms Iphey Ma, My own Personal Sista oga Damaanu ma ( wey use all the resources at her disposal to swing the visa approval come mai side) and all the distiquished Ndi Elder:

First and foremost, I must apologise for not showing my appreciation for mai visa way before now, although I have a perfectly good explanation for that; as you all know that tomorrow na big day for da ladies, I was busy preping all the gagages I go prepare for my Obiuto (sweetheart) tomorrow, so na een I come dey carried away for kitchen.

Anyways, I sincerely appreciate the opportunity you all accorded me to be part and parcel of this enviable square.

On my part, as I raised my right hand and my left leg, I pledge to adhere to the duely constituted due process of the policy and procedure of this village.(chei! I don make myself dizzy with this one oo). I will not try to stand on somebody's nose and get balanced( except for all the efulefu praise singers). I will not praise-sing for anyone except My LORD and personal savior. Infact, instead make I praise-sing for somebody, make God add 80 more years to OBJ's life make een rule Nigeria for another 80years. (oluwa ma jee oo!)

As ndi Elders, I get small request from una: when una see me or anybody err, make una slap us with ur right hands and pull us back to the right direction with ur left hands. that is the only way we go move Nigeria forward, on the other hand, I know say human mind dey very tricky, when we see something of mind boggling emanating from the twin tower, I implore your sagacious selves to embrace our concerns with open-mindedness.

In celebration of my acceptance, I have decided to increase the pee and number 2 break for my employees; for pee break; it use to be 1minute for the healthy ones and 2 minutes for those ones that scream when they pee. now i have increased it to 2minutes and four minutes respectively effective 1/31/2008. Also, for number 2 break, it use to be 4 minutes for the healthy ones and 10minutes for the constipated ones, because of my generous nature plus including my visa approval, I have decided to up it to 8 minutes and 15minutes respectively effective 1/31/2008. Of course, they are entitled to these breaks once every 6hours.

Again, I am very thrilled to be home!

It is already well with Nigeria.


IGWT (i love it, thanks to oga madam.)

[Abraxas]

Originally Posted by Dimaanu

Hi Ms Iphey,

I am sorry for not getting back to you earlier, hmmmm! na my cousin's sister's wedding I attend o. She been talk say she no go marry sake of say she get correct job, berra house and plenti plenti greens for bank.
Her motto before na "I'm self-sufficient." Na im she jam dis bobo, no do, no do, she carry her motto troway for bush come fix wedding date wey be today.
Di thing wey come surprise me again be say as di Priest ask am to repeat im vows, check it out:

Priest: I, Ms Self-sufficient, take thee Mr Macho man,
Bride: I, Ms Self-sufficient, take thee Mr Macho man,
Priest: To be my lawfully wedded husband
Bride: To be my lawfully wedded ( the dam broke)

Wetin she de cry for? Na so she come delay the whole process for about 5 minutes and dats why I came home late.

Moving on to the issue of your office.
I am not supposed to reveal this to you. Gosh! I'm so confused Should I? Shouldn't I? Oh well, please do not say I told you. Just know that you re the one spoiling your surprise

The day you came to the office for that board meeting, we were instructed to disorganize everything in your office (na me tear di curtains with my two hands). Those things were not cigar burns, Haba Ms.Iphey, you don tey for dis maternity leave o. Did you forget that VTT is a "No smoking" zone. Na candle wax Philo use do dat one. The plan na to make your office look jagajaga so dat when you come back, you will be surprised by the new furnishing. (BTW, Philo dey for suspension o. Dem say they catch am as she de steal from di things one JJC bring for di elders. Her letter say na "Pilfering".)

Make I no tell you everything about your office now. Just get ready to be surprised. They even build small Nursery join for di back Just wait!

How Bomboy now? Take care o.

Dimaanu
SIO, O/c VSS ( You see my new title? Oga Abraxas give me promotion come transfer me go anoda Department)

Hi, Dimaanu (Senior Interrogation Officer [SIO]; Officer-in-charge, Village Security Service [O/c VSS])!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Very yes! Dem promote you come transfer you go anoda department. You no talk sey dem make you O/c, acting oga of VSS. You no talk dat one. Na sey dem transfer you go anoda department....

I bow for you-o! Nnaaaa, (abi na nne-e-e-e), you know how long wey me, sef, I done dey doo dis job of Welcomer-in-Chief for dis Village? No leave: no transfer! I hope you know sey na from VSS wey dem been send you go Madam Due Processs office on secondment, in de first place. Abi, I lie?

'E be like sey you done chop better life for AG 'im office when 'e no been dey town. Life done sweet you for EMJ office sotey, you no wan' com'o't from 105th Floor dem "better life" condition of service. I no blame you, ojare, life no get duplicate. Man no die, 'e no go rotten!

Anyway, congratulations, bo. I done begin wash am down, my own, even before de news reash you. As His Excellency, Oga Pata-pata approve ya promotion letter na 'im I just take style empty de remainder of de 50 litre barrel of viagrarized champagne brandy, wey dey always dey for oga 'im penthouse office for yonder there for 250th Floor. Sorry, no mind, (you hear?) One day, you too go get password to take enter 200th Floor and above, too, like Madam Due Process: De young shall grow (by the special grace of God, the Father.)

I can imagine sey, one day, dem go dey call you somet'ing like, "Madam Intarogeshon" abi, na "Madam Askology"?

Before I forget, make you know sey, if security report no join interview report, dat one be sey, we no go fit do anyt'ing again about dat application. No security report, no visa. Full stop.

So dia4, i beg-i, try put one better sign board, or notice board for de lift lobby for de 69th Floor, tell every pesin wey want make we process dem visa quick-quick, make 'im take 'im own hand carry 'im file go ya office for 69th Floor, if dem tink sey de file no dey move fast, after 'e done leave 105th Floor, go 97th Floor, leave go 69th Floor and Basement Level.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

[Dimaanu]

Oga Abraxas

I apologize for this late reply. I have written up the Delivery guy for taking my mail to the 105th floor. His excuse? He did not know that I have been promoted and transferred! He has himself to blame for not being in tune with his environment. Ignorance is not an excuse Imagine! I even blow my trumpet sotey Villagers in the Square noticed.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Very yes! Dem promote you come transfer you go anoda department. You no talk sey dem make you O/c, acting oga of VSS. You no talk dat one. Na sey dem transfer you go anoda department....

You must have missed the Friday edition of Twin Towers Chronicles (TTC). I paid for a full page advertorial. I sang your praise to high heavens for my promotion. I no fit hide dat kain thing ke!

Before I forget, make you know sey, if security report no join interview report, dat one be sey, we no go fit do anyt'ing again about dat application. No security report, no visa. Full stop.

So dia4, i beg-i, try put one better sign board, or notice board for de lift lobby for de 69th Floor, tell every pesin wey want make we process dem visa quick-quick, make 'im take 'im own hand carry 'im file go ya office for 69th Floor, if dem tink sey de file no dey move fast, after 'e done leave 105th Floor, go 97th Floor, leave go 69th Floor and Basement Level.

I promise to do all that you expect of me plus jara. Right now, I dey review all di old files wey my Oga (currently on annual leave) leave for im desk. I go come up with a positive action plan to tighten security and also screen future Visa applicants thoroughly.

I can imagine sey, one day, dem go dey call you somet'ing like, "Madam Intarogeshon" abi, na "Madam Askology"?

Ha oga! these names don sweet my belle well well.
"God dey" Na poor man prayer. As long as there is life, there is hope.

Thank you sir.

Dimaanu
SIO, O/c VSS