Tweets for Humorless Villagers - Page 2

uniben82 · Aug 11, 2009 , 04:45 PM

I wish I were white. Then I would be able 2 smother myself with panama jack oil while sun bathing (au naturel), w/o raising a few eyebrows-

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 15, 2009 , 08:08 PM

Researchers say swearing eases pain. It's amazing they are the last to know.
(via twitter @Lucidlillith).

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 18, 2009 , 06:33 PM

Unique & Useless Laws: In Nebraska, "it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup." Huh?

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 20, 2009 , 11:38 PM

Must shave hair. Must shave his hair. No, not his head. All recommendations for a fairly inexpensive "butt crack" hair trimmer would be greatly appreciated.

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 23, 2009 , 10:48 PM

He tripped me. Claimed it was an accident as he chuckled. I pushed him into the pool...accidentally! Fair game, don't ya think?

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 26, 2009 , 07:04 PM

So proud of self for driving a whole mile on a two-lane road, behind an elderly lady (who was cruising at an annoying 30-mph, in a 45-mph zone), without uttering a single expletive.

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 28, 2009 , 09:17 PM

Grabbin' life by the balls today. Sorry life! About your balls!

(via twitter @robcorddry).

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 29, 2009 , 07:16 PM

My 10-yr-old is so proud of herself for burping loudly on command. Next time she pulls that stunt while I'm finishing my meal, I'm kicking her freaking ass!

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 31, 2009 , 04:44 PM

Hubby: "Hey, did I not put enough water in the coffee pot? Why are you laughing? You fucking ass. You took some of my coffee again, didn’t you? I don’t know why I always fall for that shit."

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 1, 2009 , 09:00 PM

About Bathrooms: Screw locking the door! I have an "open door" policy, which seems to keep the kids (in particular) from asking, “What are you doing in there?”

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 2, 2009 , 07:26 PM

Trying to figure out why my daughter's mouse isn't working. Hmmm...I did delete a bunch of programs to free up some memory. I deleted the mouse driver too? Crap!

uniben82 · Sep 4, 2009 , 04:20 PM

Don’t do chick flicks. Somehow, the latter half of P.S. I Iove you, made me cry. Ssshh..don’t tell any1. I have a reputation 2 maintain.

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 6, 2009 , 10:17 PM

Men's health magazine, you've really outdone yourself this time with, "A man's guide to the female brain." What man has that much attention span? Abi??

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 8, 2009 , 10:07 PM

My Kid: “Hey, Dad! Your belly is kinda jiggly. Maybe if you sucked it in, then you’ll have a 6-pack.”

Wish it was that easy

UB82

Big-K · Sep 11, 2009 , 09:53 PM

Hi Uniben,

Thanks for the Tweets. Just to let you know, this thread is one of the inspirations for the tweetboard on the site (hanging to the left f the board). Thanks for the inspiration and I'm hoping you will help attract more attention to it by tweeting on there as well.

Cheers and twitter on

uniben82 · Sep 12, 2009 , 12:31 AM

About the 'tweets' tab on the home page, I saw that. Well, I thank You, oh mighty Big-K-

P.S. I am brewing some other ideas in line of this tweeting concept specifically for NVS. I'll run it by you at some point. Have a great evening.

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 12, 2009 , 12:34 AM

Saw a plastic ‘coke’ bottle that was filled with piss color liquid. Yep. Leave it to some jackass who considers himself boy genius 2 turn an empty container into a urinal.

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 14, 2009 , 10:18 PM

My teen 'girlie girl' is officially an ass. Must now go pat self on the back for a job well done-

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 16, 2009 , 05:24 PM

Do you think "raining" is nothing more than God simply taking a whiz? Hey, I didn't come up with this stuff. My 7-year-old did.

UB82

uniben82 · Sep 20, 2009 , 10:17 PM

I don't typically regurgitate quotes. But I really, really, like this one by late George Burns.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

See you all in about a week. Going sailing across the caribbean with the family. I guess it's time to see those other family members that live in another city-

Au revoir!

UB82