To marry or not to marry….

My people,

Abeg help me with my dilemma….

I would be 31years old in a couple of weeks and should be happy that my very good friend Ola has finally decided to take the next steps and is ready to commit in marriage to me. However this is not the case with me. We have been on and off for awhile, when I was ready he was not and now he is ready I feel I have fallen out of love with him. We had a long distance and we were very busy professionals wanting to get ahead in our careers.

My trouble started after we broke because of his lack of commitment, I started another relationship where the guy was very loving, stayed in the same town as I was. I couldn’t believe love was like this. I had never experienced this kind of relationship. Anyways, this relationship did not work out because my friend Ola kept calling me and sort of intruding. He was my best friend; I could not just cut him off.

A short time passed afterwards, I met a married guy, he is like 33years but he had problems with his wife and they have a daughter and another child on the way. The wife is in Nigeria but we are based in the US. He said been totally honest with me in terms of that he would like us to be together but it would take a while since he wife was currently having his baby. He had gone home to see his child when he had one fling with her then discovered that she got pregnant again. Well, the wife was the one that wanted the divorce but he found out at the time that they had fallen out of love. This was before we started anything.

Well, I didn’t think I would fall for him anyway until my friend Ola realized that I was almost slipping his hands and asked me to marry him. I have waited for this a long time but in my mind, I couldn’t let this married guy out of my mind. I can’t even bear for my friend to touch me. I do like Ola and know he is a good man but I am in a dilemma. Actually, they are both good men. For one the married man does not make any promises to me but he told me he loves me and he has done everything short of crying to me. While Ola has done everything including crying to me. I just don’t know what to do. My mind tells me to not choose anyone but start with a fresh relationship. I don’t want to get into a loveless marriage even if Ola is a good man and I don’t want to wait on the hope that my married friend will get a divorce, and still deal with his kids and mother of his kids. My parents are urging me to get married soon , I do not know what to do. Please help me.

[Soul Sista]

Is it by force to marry one of these two men? From what you have written neither of them is neccessarily right for you. If na by force, okay, kuku enter palava and go for the married one. Your parents won't live your life for you. You are 31, listen to what they say but don't let them live your life for you.

Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling

[emj]

Hmmm, dis life sha, eni lori ko ni fila, eni ni fila ko ni ori...some have food and cannot eat, some can eat and have no food...was discussing Okafor's Law with one of my Gemu friends last night, and did expand on the hypothesis...only to come hia and see another type playing out on this thread...take a hike my friend...clean break from all dis ringaringa roses...Echee, kai

My trouble started after we broke because of his lack of commitment, I started another relationship where the guy was very loving, stayed in the same town as I was. I couldn’t believe love was like this. I had never experienced this kind of relationship. Anyways, this relationship did not work out because my friend Ola kept calling me and sort of intruding. He was my best friend; I could not just cut him off.

Do u really know what love is? Can u recognise it when it hits u?
You seem like a very confused person to me...about time u sort your emotions out...or u will keep going round in circles, and causing a lot of heart-ache.

The married man will never leave his wife for u....gba be, he's enjoying the best of two continents, and u might not be the only he has the hots for moi dear

[smilee]

I think emj is right Anonee is pretty confused. It is quite clear.

Anonee, this one is not hard. Whatever you do, married man would not leave his preggie wife (even after the baby comes) for you. The guilt & shame would not let him. So they were having problems before he visited his wife and they still managed to shag (aka 1 fling)? Hmmm, don't believe this married men ooh. I smell a rotten rat . Infact carry your 2 left legs and run. He would only bring you heart ache. Regarding your loveless relationship with Ola, is it possible you are so wrapped with Mr married man that you cannot see the beauty in Ola anymore (beauty that you ones saw)? Just a thought. At this point, best thing is to leave both men & whoever is meant for you would come chasing you - minus married men ooh.

e

[Ayomide]

O girl, abeg o…! neither o…hmmm unless…

So, you don’t love Ola any more…are you sure? Or did you have him on the back-burner because he could not commit, considering that you were/are still best friends…enough that he sabotaged your relationship with the Bobo you were gbaduning(enjoying)…? Ask yourself that and if you truly don’t like him, no be even love sef, then do what you wish (leave am make e dey carry ihm own wahala dey go). If he was/is your best friend, chances are that you can find your way back to where you were on two conditions: 1)Is he ready to commit now, for sure? 2) Is he joining you or vice-versa? Cause em, dis long distance thingy hard small… How will you get to know him better and well enough to ensure that he is the him for you?

As for the man with the wifey palava…run my dear. Just dey run dey go like persin wey immigration/devil dey pursue o! Please o, my dear, na lie say e no like ihm wife o... If he didn’t, he would not even have gone near enough (especially when he claims there is notin-notin, or has a real love somewhere waiting for him?) knowing that the wife could get pregnant and rightly so!(it’s still her property ke!) If he is certain about his feelings for you and being honest, he would have taken the divorce proceedings a notch higher, shey you understand. And even at that, will you accept him on those terms, and are you sure he won’t leave you too, later, when something better/rosier comes along? Unless, it’s a situation where this is true for the man, if not most: oko lile ko l’eri okan () an excited man has no conscience! So, he may have slept with the wife or is it ex (?) for that reason, but I seriously doubt that scenario. Abi you wan do second wife? That is an option that works well at home, but at 31?

In the final analysis, you are still young, please leave both for now. Get to understand what you really like in a man and hopefully, you’ll find one before you may be too old (for having babies…which is more difficult after your 30’s) or too un-attractive to secure a good Bobo, which could be never really, although tougher after 40’s...still, not impossible.

Still, why do you want to marry someone, anyone, you are not sure of or happy with? Why the rush? Like is sometimes more important than love, Sista...uhm. Of course, love is best to definitely include like.

[Eye_Catcher]

Anonee,

I honestly do not think you are seeking advice. I do not even think that you are indeed confused. I think you have the answers to your situation well within you.What you are looking for is something that helps you justify your actions. Someone to say it is ok or not ok to go with Ola or Mr. Married man. Well you have heard it . The solution to your situation lies well within you.

Your mind can never lie to you. Listen to your heart and listen well. I'm sure you'll take the best route. Good luck.

[blooming_i]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

My mind tells me to not choose anyone but start with a fresh relationship. I don’t want to get into a loveless marriage even if Ola is a good man and I don’t want to wait on the hope that my married friend will get a divorce, and still deal with his kids and mother of his kids. My parents are urging me to get married soon , I do not know what to do. Please help me.

The answer is in your post. Going out with a married man is playing with fire. Don't tell me you believe this man will leave his wife and kids for you. He's just using you since his wife is based in Nigeria. All what he told you about him and his wife having problems is cock and bull story. It's not unusual for couples to have misunderstanding, that's if there was one in his case. It does not necessarily result in divorce. So forget this two-timing man.

You don't have to go back to Ola. Marriage of convenience would end in disaster. Using him as a rebound will backfire in no distant future. It's best you let him go.

You need to clear your head to really focus on what you want. Don't be forced to marry before you are ready, since you are the one going to live with the man. If love is the foundation of your relationship, when storms come, it'll still stand. Don't allow yourself to be swaying between the two men.

Get a clean break first and then you'll see very clearly. There's always a "red light" blinking, don't ignore it.

Cheers.

[Vade Mecum]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

My people,

Abeg help me with my dilemma….

I would be 31years old in a couple of weeks and should be happy that my very good friend Ola has finally decided to take the next steps and is ready to commit in marriage to me. However this is not the case with me. We have been on and off for awhile, when I was ready he was not and now he is ready I feel I have fallen out of love with him. We had a long distance and we were very busy professionals wanting to get ahead in our careers.

My trouble started after we broke because of his lack of commitment, I started another relationship where the guy was very loving, stayed in the same town as I was. I couldn’t believe love was like this. I had never experienced this kind of relationship. Anyways, this relationship did not work out because my friend Ola kept calling me and sort of intruding. He was my best friend; I could not just cut him off.

A short time passed afterwards, I met a married guy, he is like 33years but he had problems with his wife and they have a daughter and another child on the way. The wife is in Nigeria but we are based in the US. He said been totally honest with me in terms of that he would like us to be together but it would take a while since he wife was currently having his baby. He had gone home to see his child when he had one fling with her then discovered that she got pregnant again. Well, the wife was the one that wanted the divorce but he found out at the time that they had fallen out of love. This was before we started anything.

Well, I didn’t think I would fall for him anyway until my friend Ola realized that I was almost slipping his hands and asked me to marry him. I have waited for this a long time but in my mind, I couldn’t let this married guy out of my mind. I can’t even bear for my friend to touch me. I do like Ola and know he is a good man but I am in a dilemma. Actually, they are both good men. For one the married man does not make any promises to me but he told me he loves me and he has done everything short of crying to me. While Ola has done everything including crying to me. I just don’t know what to do. My mind tells me to not choose anyone but start with a fresh relationship. I don’t want to get into a loveless marriage even if Ola is a good man and I don’t want to wait on the hope that my married friend will get a divorce, and still deal with his kids and mother of his kids. My parents are urging me to get married soon , I do not know what to do. Please help me.

Dear A.V.

I would be 31years old in a couple of weeks

My parents are urging me to get married soon , I do not know what to do.

Your statements above carries much weight. You are not growing younger. Where I come from, there is a proverb: When it is time for a child to start walking, and the child is still not walking, the parents, will start to get embarrassed.

It is time for you to get married and your parents are trully your parents, that is why they have voiced out to your hearing, what others are gossiping when you are not around to hear them.

should be happy that my very good friend Ola has finally decided to take the next steps and is ready to commit in marriage to me

Many girls will be very happy to be in your situation. You would be acting wisely to quickly accept his offer, before a smarter girl will outsmart you.

At 31 you must be very much aware, that these days, opportunities like the one before you, comes only once in a blue moon.

Please stop praying briefly and listen to God; and see and hear that your prayers have been answered

We have been on and off for awhile, when I was ready he was not and now he is ready I feel I have fallen out of love with him. We had a long distance and we were very busy professionals wanting to get ahead in our careers

You have reasonably justified his earlier lack of seriousness. He wanted to get a little bit farther in his career. Same applied to you too.

Again you had a long distance relationship with all the inherent relationship sabotaging 'wahala'.

Now, that Ola has grown more matured. He has moved up a little bit more in his career. He has taken time out to think about his life and all the 'activities' so far. he has now meditatively reasoned and deliberaterly concluded that you are the best of the best and the soul of his soul.

That he must have you by his side, all the days of his life.

Anyways, this relationship did not work out because my friend Ola kept calling me and sort of intruding. He was my best friend; I could not just cut him off

That Ola was your best friend at a time, when you were both young and had nothing. That Ola was your best friend at a time, when you were both not pretending to each other, speaks volumes. When the chips are down Ola is 'Demaanu'. I mean Ola is da real man

That Ola kept on fighting, intruding and successfully broke up your new found relationship (with a married man), means he still loves you big time. He is ready to fight lions and bears to possess his Queen

That you could not just cut Ola off, means only one thing; you are still in love with Ola.

Ola was your best friend. Think bad, your real friends are the friends you made, when you were just innocent, naive and as green as could be. Ola is still your best buddy.

That you could naively develope a relationship with a married man at the age of 31, and more than naively believe, that the man will abandon his pregnant wife for you, speaks volumes to me:

What your action says is that you could be 31, but you do not yet have the maturity, that is required to separate the wheat from the chaff. The truth is bitter, however, I have just told you the truth. Accept the truth, and you will experience peace that passeth understanding.

It's so good that you had the common sense and wisdom to bring this matter to the Palaver Hut: Now listen to my advice, and listen real good.

Ola is your man. Ola is aware that he is your man. Accept his offer to marry you real quick, before he will be stolen from you.

Remember a bird in hand is worth a billion birds in the bush.

Na weteen dey for hand naim be this, the one, wey never dey for hand, naim be that. Be smart and possess your possession

You do not want to wait for only God knows how long, for another opportunity like this.

You will never get a perfect man to marry. The only perfect man, that ever lived on earth is our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

It is your job, to work hard to make your husband the best husband on planet earth. While it is your husband's job, to work hard to make you the best wife on planet earth.

Avoid the trap of waiting for Mr. Perfect. That trap is a time wasting, endless wilderness that leads to nowhere

It is your job to work and pray hard to make your marriage successful. In the beginning, marriage is like dross material. You must work hard to purify it and bring out the diamond or the gold.

It is your job to make your marriage perfect. At least, to make it appear perfect to on-lookers, because no marriage is perfect. Take what you have and run with it. Like they say, when nature offers you lemon, please make lemonade. If you are offered Okro by nature, please prepare Okro soup. As you have been offered Ola, please make him your Oga Ola, Oko Anonee and you become Iyawo Ola

Now, go get that Ola boy, gurl and make him all yours

Finally, pray for wisdom, you need it real bad

[Oluwato]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

My people,

Abeg help me with my dilemma….

I would be 31years old in a couple of weeks and should be happy that my very good friend Ola has finally decided to take the next steps and is ready to commit in marriage to me. However this is not the case with me. We have been on and off for awhile, when I was ready he was not and now he is ready I feel I have fallen out of love with him. We had a long distance and we were very busy professionals wanting to get ahead in our careers.

My trouble started after we broke because of his lack of commitment, I started another relationship where the guy was very loving, stayed in the same town as I was. I couldn’t believe love was like this. I had never experienced this kind of relationship. Anyways, this relationship did not work out because my friend Ola kept calling me and sort of intruding. He was my best friend; I could not just cut him off.

A short time passed afterwards, I met a married guy, he is like 33years but he had problems with his wife and they have a daughter and another child on the way. The wife is in Nigeria but we are based in the US. He said been totally honest with me in terms of that he would like us to be together but it would take a while since he wife was currently having his baby. He had gone home to see his child when he had one fling with her then discovered that she got pregnant again. Well, the wife was the one that wanted the divorce but he found out at the time that they had fallen out of love. This was before we started anything.

Well, I didn’t think I would fall for him anyway until my friend Ola realized that I was almost slipping his hands and asked me to marry him. I have waited for this a long time but in my mind, I couldn’t let this married guy out of my mind. I can’t even bear for my friend to touch me. I do like Ola and know he is a good man but I am in a dilemma. Actually, they are both good men. For one the married man does not make any promises to me but he told me he loves me and he has done everything short of crying to me. While Ola has done everything including crying to me. I just don’t know what to do. My mind tells me to not choose anyone but start with a fresh relationship. I don’t want to get into a loveless marriage even if Ola is a good man and I don’t want to wait on the hope that my married friend will get a divorce, and still deal with his kids and mother of his kids. My parents are urging me to get married soon , I do not know what to do. Please help me.

Congratulations on your upcoming birthday. Now to your dilemma - I need to know, are you a saved Christian? If you are, go to your church or a Christian counseling Service for counseling. If you need referrals, PM me.

If you are not saved, go to a psychologist or a marriage and family therapist. I'm glad you're honest enough to stop to ask for advice before you make the worst mistake of your life by choosing blindly. From someone who has walked that path and was delivered by God's saving grace, I encourage you not to rush into anything. Take your time and be sure.

Blessings,

Oluwato

[Ranter]

Pastor VM,
your advice was too long and I did nt read it.

Oluwato,
Saved and unsaved christians?She said she is boning a married man,I think she might be orthodoxly jewish or a sunni muslim.

Miss lady in dilema,leave things as they are if you are having fun or take a clean break and get a better understanding of what your heart want.

[Alake]

Originally Posted by Ranter

Pastor VM,
your advice was too long and I did nt read it.

Oluwato,
Saved and unsaved christians?She said she is boning a married man,I think she might be orthodoxly jewish or a sunni muslim.

Miss lady in dilema,leave things as they are if you are having fun or take a clean break and get a better understanding of what your heart want.

.....lol...@ ranter are you the anonee? The advice by Pastor VM was for anonee alone, so you don't have to read it, it 'must' be read by anonee because she asked for the advice, it is not compulsory for every other person to read it.

[Ph3y]

Anoni,
I'm not sure you're ready for marriage yet. You need to take out some time to go figure what exactly you want in a man and also equip your self to be a dream wife for someone.
Right now you're so mixed up that am not convinced you can make an objective decision. Clear your head and start afresh if possible with someone new. Plus make a choice to be rushed into marriage by your parents or to go into marriage on your own terms

[Anonymous Villager]

My Village people,

I hear una loud and clear. Abeg no blame me for my troubles. I have definitely decided to stop seeing the married guy. Make my longer throat no kill me. I asked for more time with my friend Ola, so i dont make a mistake. I hope to be more prayerful and keep things in perspective.

I must thank Vade Mecum for his thorough analysis of the issue. I could not agree more with you. I salute all of una, thank you ooh.

[.bebi]

I hope this anonee no dey try sound like moi.

On a serious note,Anonee,most of us girls have been wooed by married men with the same line..."we are having problems".
I swear,married men have sweeter lyrics than the single ones but one advice I will readily give u is FLEE WITH UR TWO LEFT LEGS,THEY ARE CERTAINLY NOT WORTH IT.

[Bunch17]

Originally Posted by .bebi

I hope this anonee no dey try sound like moi.

On a serious note,Anonee,most of us girls have been wooed by married men with the same line..."we are having problems".
I swear,married men have sweeter lyrics than the single ones but one advice I will readily give u is FLEE WITH UR TWO LEFT LEGS,THEY ARE CERTAINLY NOT WORTH IT.

Yep! Oldest line in the book.....................and when married man goes back to wifey, the reason is always, "she threatened to kill herself/our kids if I did not come back.....just give me time until I sort something out".

I know a lady who is currently dating a married man. Bobo keeps spinning this yarn which lady always buys, the ruse has been going on for over 12 years.

[salstep]

Originally Posted by Bunch17

Yep! Oldest line in the book.....................and when married man goes back to wifey, the reason is always, "she threatened to kill herself/our kids if I did not come back.....just give me time until I sort something out".

I know a lady who is currently dating a married man. Bobo keeps spinning this yarn which lady always buys, the ruse has been going on for over 12 years.

She obviously getting something out of it.

AV, make your choice and live with it. Marriage matter no b wetin person dey fit advice put.

[Ph3y]

[QUOTE=.bebi;303634
On a serious note,Anonee,most of us girls have been wooed by married men with the same line..."we are having problems".
.[/QUOTE]

@ Bebi,
That was in the days of old [your highlighted post]. They are now so brazen o......A married guy will tell you that he simply wants an affair with no strings attached. Imagine them giving you conditions.......

One even said he was the captain of his ship when the babe he was disturbing pointed out to him that he was married.

[Dimaanu]

.
Words of wisdom from Sonny Oti and Nelly Uchendu:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrTNZlaVOGc&feature=channel_page

[Oluwato]

Originally Posted by Ranter

Oluwato,
Saved and unsaved christians?She said she is boning a married man,I think she might be orthodoxly jewish or a sunni muslim.

There are saved and unsaved Christians. Both, depending on many reasons, sin. One of the sins they commit is fornication. Kindly update your knowledge on people who call themselves Christians, they are capable of doing anything!

[Ranter]

Originally Posted by Oluwato

There are saved and unsaved Christians. Both, depending on many reasons, sin. One of the sins they commit is fornication. Kindly update your knowledge on people who call themselves Christians, they are capable of doing anything!

,You now totally lost me.