Should I Tell My Nephew His History

My senior sister was once married to a Nigerian Army Officer. She cheated on him and married his driver also a Nigeria Army Private. With the driver, my sister had a boy and a girl (the boy being the oldest). The son cannot be more than 2yrs old when the driver was caught as an armed robber. He was eventually sentenced and executed to death.

Shortly after, about a couple of years later, my sister met another man she married and had four kids with him. While she was married to the new man, she left the 2 kids with my mother when they were still toddlers.

Found out recently that the eldest son, one day just went naked and ran through the street. As usual, family and neighbors took him to a church, where I learnt he was chained and probably brutalized.

Now, what led to his moment of madness, you might ask? I learnt that when he was in college, he went to Ibadan to trace his dad’s family despite the objection of his mother and sister who was schooling in Ibadan at that time. The mother told him that his dad’s family doesn’t care about him which is why they had never tried to contact or know about his and her sister’s welfare all these years.

From what I was told, he located them and since them he has never been the same again.

I learnt about his predicament when the last time I went home in 2006. He came into the room without greeting me (as we were somewhat close before, as I took care of him while I we both lived with my mum. He should be around 29 to 31 now). I started kidding him with nicknames as like “Ogbologbo, how come you can say hi to your older brother now”. Instead of his usual funny self, he was belligerent telling him not to refer to him as “Ogbologho” Normally he would not react mad as we throw out all sort of nicknames at each other without thinking about them. Then, I noticed he as not been looking me in the eyes while talking but was just staring into space. I asked him how come he is not looking me in the eyes but he just kept staring blank. It was after he had left that I was told about the insanity episode. Since then, his contact has been sporadic. He his always picking fights with his other siblings. It was mentioned to me that he is jealous of them that they had a father and mother but he was abandoned with his grandmother.

My take his dad he probably found out about his dad or that when he found that his dad’s family did not accept him, that probably drove him off the wall. With the way Nigeria is, he virtually doing nothing. He told me he is into acting and wanted a ridiculous amount of money no one is willing to pony up. I used to sponsor him to Poly but I learnt that he was kicked out after many years that his acceptance to the school was not legitimate. I have told him to try and get back to school and I will be willing to help but he told me he is not into school anymore. I learnt that he was temporarily employed by one of the security forces but quit afterward. My sisters and I even told him to go to school to study theatre so he can better future in Nollywood as the uneducated ones will just be used and discarded but he refused.

I am going to Nigeria later this year or earlier next year and hope to have a sit down with him. From what I have learnt, I don't think he knew his dad died as an armed robber.

My question is does he need to know about his dad? I doubt he ever asked his mum to tell him about his father. Does he deserve to know? He was born in the late 70s and his dad was executed then. If the 70s was an Internet age, I could have serendipitously sent him a link about his dad.

[enitan]

what good is it going to do him knowing that he's father 1.was an armed robber 2.was executed?

[valteena]

In my view you really don't know the true nature of what he found out from his reconnection with his dad's family. That could be what sent him off the edge. You don't seem to know for sure.

But from your narration it seems to me that he is partially recovered or is recovering from that insanity. So why tell him about how his father died now. Don't you think that might set his insanity off again?.

Like I said before you really don't know for sure if he knows already. Why not let him be. And if he needs to know anything, don't you think it is up to your sister, him mum to tell him?. I don't think it is in your place to do so. Just my take on your palava that's all

[Oluwato]

Your sister should be the one to tell her son his history. The boy is obviously hurting, I suggest taking him to a good pentecostal church for counseling.

[ahbego]

If anyone buys this story, please contact me immediately.

I have seaside property at Bar Beach, Lagos and the crossing-rights to the London Bridge for sale!

[Vade Mecum]

My senior sister was once married to a Nigerian Army Officer. She cheated on him and married his driver also a Nigeria Army Private. With the driver, my sister had a boy and a girl (the boy being the oldest). The son cannot be more than 2yrs old when the driver was caught as an armed robber. He was eventually sentenced and executed to death.

Though your nephew is probably already aware, of what happened to his father; he needs to be very carefully guided to raise his spiritual maturity, mental and emotional stability to a really very comfortable level, before you should formally discuss his father's story with him

Your senior sister slept with her husband's driver and abandoned the husband to marry his driver. Consider the humiliation, emotional and mental pain the poor man must have suffered. Who can quantify the resources, time and other assorted efforts, he must have expended on his 'dear wife'. Then, the wife eloped with his driver. What your senior sister and the husband's driver did, set off a curse. The 'driver husband' got derailed and misbehaved and the consequence was death.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 (Deuteronomy 5:18, Matthew 5:27, 19:18, Mark 10:19, Luke 18:20,Romans 13:9, James 2:11)

Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her. Leviticus 18:20

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel. Deuteronomy 22:22

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you. But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die: But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter: For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. Deuteronomy 22:23-27


2 Samuel 12:1-12

1And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.

2The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds:

3But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.

4And there came a traveller unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him.

5And David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die:

6And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.

7And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;

8And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.

9Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.

10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife.

11Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.

12For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.

Notice how David's invoked a generational curse, on his own house, for taking another man's wife:

U]10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. [/U]

Do you notice the similarity, in what is happening in the family of the 'army husband' and the family of King David .

Shortly after, about a couple of years later, my sister met another man she married and had four kids with him. While she was married to the new man, she left the 2 kids with my mother when they were still toddlers.

Your sister made another mistake here. She should not have abandoned the children from the 'driver -husband' to marry another husband. She should have insisted on bringing the children along with her, into the new marriage. Marriages should not be based on fractional love. Her new marriage should have been conditioned on the new husband accepting her children from the former marriage. The boy and the girl needed a loving home, loving parents, role models, guardians and mentors.

Found out recently that the eldest son, one day just went naked and ran through the street.

The curse that killed the 'driver husband' was a generational curse and is now destroying the next generation of the blood line. The effect of the curse can be terminated. However, the children of the man who brought the curse on the family have to embrace christ and be delivered.

Exodus 20: 5

5Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

6And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Here we find that though God declared that he can punish unto the third and fourth generation, he shows mercy unto them that love him and keep his commandments.


Ezekiel 18

1The word of the LORD came unto me again, saying,

2What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge?

3As I live, saith the Lord GOD, ye shall not have occasion any more to use this proverb in Israel.

4Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.

5But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right,

6And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman,

7And hath not oppressed any, but hath restored to the debtor his pledge, hath spoiled none by violence, hath given his bread to the hungry, and hath covered the naked with a garment;

8He that hath not given forth upon usury, neither hath taken any increase, that hath withdrawn his hand from iniquity, hath executed true judgment between man and man,

9Hath walked in my statutes, and hath kept my judgments, to deal truly; he is just, he shall surely live, saith the Lord GOD.


18As for his father, because he cruelly oppressed, spoiled his brother by violence, and did that which is not good among his people, lo, even he shall die in his iniquity.

19Yet say ye, Why? doth not the son bear the iniquity of the father? When the son hath done that which is lawful and right, and hath kept all my statutes, and hath done them, he shall surely live.

20The soul that sinneth, it shall die. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son: the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him.


In Ezekiel 18, God clarified that the children, WHOSE HANDS ARE CLEAN, will not suffer the consequences of their father's sins.


Romans 3: 24-28

23For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

24Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

25Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;

26To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

27Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.

28Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law.

It is clear from the scriptures, as manifestly made clear in Romans 3: 24-28; that all have sinned. Forgiveness and renewal is available in the blood of the lamb of God, by the mystery of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ; through faith. Now your boy, must be brought to Jesus Christ, for therein lies his salvation and deliverance from the generational curse that his late father has established in the family blood line.

I used to sponsor him to Poly but I learnt that he was kicked out after many years that his acceptance to the school was not legitimate. I have told him to try and get back to school and I will be willing to help but he told me he is not into school anymore. I learnt that he was temporarily employed by one of the security forces but quit afterward. My sisters and I even told him to go to school to study theatre so he can better future in Nollywood as the uneducated ones will just be used and discarded but he refused. I am going to Nigeria later this year or earlier next year and hope to have a sit down with him. From what I have learnt, I don't think he knew his dad died as an armed robber.

Now, this is my advise: Get your sister to hold a meeting with your family, especially the elders. At the meeting, some very mature and wise persons will be selected to contact some of the friends of the 'army husband'. All the former husband's friends who were witnesses to the events that occurred, when your sister eloped with the 'driver husband' should be contacted, by your family. These friends will be seriously begged by your family to help arrange a meeting with the 'army husband' where your family will drag your senior sister along, to go and beg for forgiveness. After the initial meeting, another meeting will be arranged, where your extended family, will now meet the extended family of the 'army husband', to seriously beg and ask for forgiveness. (In Africa, marriages are not merely between a man and a woman, but between families.) The friends of the army husband (who were witnesses to the events that occurred at the relevant time) should be invited to attend and witness these meetings.

My question is does he need to know about his dad? I doubt he ever asked his mum to tell him about his father. Does he deserve to know? He was born in the late 70s and his dad was executed then. If the 70s was an Internet age, I could have serendipitously sent him a link about his dad.

I am sure that the boy has already been told many times over, how his father died. Your first role, is to develop a plan to take your boy from where he is now, to where he should be. Break that plan into building blocks. Execute the blocks one step at a time. Your first step, is to win the boy's trust. How can you achieve this ? Help to meet his physical needs. Put him on some regular allowance. Give him some measure of security. Help him to get a decent apartment. Furnish the apartment. Give him hope. Introduce love and care into his life. Discuss his future with him. Work with him to achieve his plans. Let him decide and you just help to do the details. Let him occupy the driver's seat, with regard to his destiny. Help to restore his self pride and dignity. Make him feel like a real man. While you are providing for him, make it look like his is the King. Never attempt to kid him or boss him. Suggest your viewpoints to him. Never attempt to put him down. Always defend him when others try to ridicule him or talk down to him. Watch his back always and be real in all that you do for him, to protect his interest. With time, you will win his trust. You will know that you have won his trust, when he starts to confide in you. Never ever breach his trust. His kind of dude, will not give you a second opportunity to prove that you are trust worthy. Remember that your ability to help mode him into a responsible and successful man, depends on your winning his trust. At this point in his life, due to traumatic events, he has suffered; he is obviously emotionally fragile and mentally delicate. Thus he must be handled with utmost care. With time though, he will attain normal emotional and mental stability

After winning his trust, introduce him to Jesus Christ at a level that is really deep and profound. A deeper relationship with God, that is very carefully planned will also do him the ultimate good. He needs spiritual fathers and spiritual mothers. He needs a loving and caring church family. He needs well mentored Christian brothers and sisters. He needs Christian role models and guardians. Since it is obvious that you care for him very deeply, if it is possible for you to arrange for him change environment and start life afresh in the country, where you reside, then you should set out to do that. A change of environment will do him much good.

Finally, He needs to be very carefully guided to raise his spiritual maturity, mental and emotional stability to a really very comfortable level, before you should formally discuss his father's story with him.

I wish you God's guidance, wisdom and provision, as you set out, to do good to another member of the human family.

[ahbego]

Originally Posted by Vade Mecum

...

Cheeeiiiiii!

[Bill Carson]

Originally Posted by ahbego

If anyone buys this story, please contact me immediately.

I have seaside property at Bar Beach, Lagos and the crossing-rights to the London Bridge for sale!

Strange things do happen, so do not discard this as fiction.… The writer may have omitted or disguised certain facts to protect identities.

[ahbego]

Originally Posted by Bill Carson

Strange things do happen, so do not discard this as fiction.… The writer may have omitted or disguised certain facts to protect identities.

Please search your inbox for my PM, which includes details of my Lagos beach-front property and Co-Ownership Tenancy Agreement with the British Government of London Bridge!

Both are for sale.

Just send me $10,000.00 (ten thousand dollars only) to show interest in either (or both) properties.

Over to you...

[Bill Carson]

My advice will be to get the young man out of his current environment, he has out grown such place and is now using his colourful family tree as excuse to exhibit near madness in typical Nigeria style.

He is the ideal candidate for relocation abroad, away from all the undesirable influences his lack of education attracts. New challenges is what he needs.

His mother left her husband to marry their driver is no big deal. It takes courage to make such move & I suspect domestic violence as the reason behind her walking out of the marriage. Miscarriage of Justice is very common In Nigeria one cannot discard the Army Officer setting up his former driver on made up charges of robbery to avenge the humiliation he suffered

[enitan]

So true Bill Carson

[dallasite]

Thank you VM you are really insightful. My nephew is a Christian but unfortunately they took him to one of the bad Churches where they abuse more than cure you. I was told he told them he was not crazy but was just frustrated with life. He is a good kid and very generous. In fact, I was told when he was working, he used to come home and bring things and money to all the extended family. The last time I came home, I gave him some money and he gave part of it to one little boy from our street I don’t even know.

The reason I was considering telling him his history is because I think everyone needs to know where they come from. I really want to help him out.

@Bill Carson

That is a true talk you posit there. I have been looking for a way to get him out of the environment. Most of the people living in our family house are not positive role model as they all living on what our father left behind. My other sister's told him to look for an apartment somewhere else but he refused. I don’t know what some of brethren find in the dilapidated house in Lagos.

I don’t know of any good counseling service in Lagos which is why I am thinking of sitting down with him for the first time to know what really happened and maybe I can then tell him about his father. May be I can show him Vade Mecum write up since they are both good Christian?

[dallasite]

Originally Posted by Bill Carson

My advice will be to get the young man out of his current environment, he has out grown such place and is now using his colourful family tree as excuse to exhibit near madness in typical Nigeria style.

He is the ideal candidate for relocation abroad, away from all the undesirable influences his lack of education attracts. New challenges is what he needs.

His mother left her husband to marry their driver is no big deal. It takes courage to make such move & I suspect domestic violence as the reason behind her walking out of the marriage. Miscarriage of Justice is very common In Nigeria one cannot discard the Army Officer setting up his former driver on made up charges of robbery to avenge the humiliation he suffered

My dream is to relocate him abroad where he can get proper counseling.

[Beam]

Dallasite

First and foremost are you sure he is not on drugs? If you are sure then why tell him about his dad.... That will push him more off the edge
You need to find out more about what he found out when he went to see his father's family.....
Also your sister needs to be more of a mother to her son the past is done she needs to pick up the son's problem.


Relocating where? He needs to deal with the demons first where he is,
please remember this is in his mental being he needs time to heal a child feeling abandoned needs to be told the reasons why he was left with his grandparents .....
.

Please leave the past in the past if he was an armed Robber I may understand why he needs to know his father's sins , however it seems he just is a bit off balanced deal with that as long as he is not on drugs, if he is get him into a drug rehab center....

The church is a good place to start a good one though


I wish you the best and May the lord reward you for caring

[Ajanlekoko]

No need aggravating the situation by telling him stories about his dad. This young man needs help, and he needed it like since forever. I advise you get him a very good psychologist (shrink) asap. Delay may be dangerous.

[Bunch17]

Originally Posted by Beam

Dallasite

First and foremost are you sure he is not on drugs?

Gbam!
His fathers problem is just a red herring!

[Unregistre]

Originally Posted by Bill Carson

His mother left her husband to marry their driver is no big deal. It takes courage to make such move & I suspect domestic violence as the reason behind her walking out of the marriage.

Surprised you came to this conclusion, even though the writer did not state this explicitly or otherwise, rather you are putting the words into his mouth. Unless you know something the writer did not know, this is a very dangerous conclusion to draw.

Originally Posted by Bill Carson

Miscarriage of Justice is very common In Nigeria one cannot discard the Army Officer setting up his former driver on made up charges of robbery to avenge the humiliation he suffered

Hmm; while this might seem tempting, it is a terrible conclusion to draw; what makes one think that a man that covertly stole not just another mans wife but his bosses wife is not capable of stealing other peoples property armed or not armed?

[dallasite]

Originally Posted by Bunch17

Gbam!
His fathers problem is just a red herring!

Drug was ruled out;he does not smoke or drink. His mom told me she investigated that possiblility and drug was ruled out. Thanks Doc.

[Alake]

You don't need to tell him about his dad or what led to his death, moreover you are not in the position to tell him his history. His mother is in the best position to tell him about his dad, she will know how and when it is appropriate for him to know about his dad.

Personally, I think telling him about the cause of his father's death will not help the guy's situation. It has nothing to do with his problem.

Cheers

[Beam]

Originally Posted by dallasite

Drug was ruled out;he does not smoke or drink. His mom told me she investigated that possiblility and drug was ruled out. Thanks Doc.

If you do not mind me asking how did your sister the mom investigate if her son was on drugs? asking him giving him a test?

How is this truly your nephew's history, also are you going to tell him how your sister his mother betrayed her first husband too many skeletons in the closet.............. if you ask me