His attitude has changed

Hi, I had to post anony because I am afraid of judgement (please dont judge me lol). So I have been dating this naija guy for a year and a half. He is really nice and everything is going ok. We fight but that is normal, what isnt normal is what happens afterwards. He does not call me until I call...

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[Pooky]

Great life lessons:

YouTube - Madea gives relationship advice

[Rose]

Originally Posted by Eja

A few days later, I get a call and an intense whispered voice tells me "I haaaate you!!"

Can you prove it was the same lady you broke up with?

[Rose]

Originally Posted by agensheku

Sis Rose,why do you hate annony s boyfriend on her behalf so much?you have not even heard his own side o!

I don't hate her boyfriend, but would if he were mine. No, I haven't heard the other side but Anonee's has the ring of truth.

[liloldlady]

Originally Posted by Rose

I don't hate her boyfriend, but would if he were mine. No, I haven't heard the other side but Anonee's has the ring of truth.

A lot of Nigerian men especially the ones who have not had a chance to live outside Nigeria, and learn better ways of treating human beings, assume that the really horrific ways they treat each other within Nigeria is alright.
(some who even live outside Nigeria, are 'learning resistant' hence, the high incidence of Domestic violence in Immigrant Nigerian homes)

Hence physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse is all OK in their books, when in a relationship with a woman.
It's even worse, when they come from polygamous homes, where treating each other like, dead and decaying organic matter, is the order of the day.

These are people, who think nothing of hitting a woman for being "Troublesome"
God save young women, who have to choose life partners, from such a stable of misfits.

[valteena]

Originally Posted by Pooky

Balo,

Cowardice is no excuse. This dude’s behavior is callous and vicious. I wonder if you would mind your sister being treated like a nothin’ and discarded like trash with no explanation or nothin’. I was raised that you treat people as you want to be treated. I guess a lot folks weren’t given the same moral lessons. For example, if I know a man is really into me, and he doesn’t move me , I will simple tell him that there ain’t no way in hell he and I ever going to be in a room alone in the buff, of course I am kinder in word usage. I don’t believe in playing with people’s feelings. The goal I guess is to seek people with a similar moral fiber. It is unfortunate that many people are such snakes in the grass. You don’t know they are there until they dig their fangs in your flesh. One of my favorite lines of a song is by the Temptations in Smiling Faces that says “the impossible task is to figure out which of the smiles is a mask.”

If this young woman is interested in self preservation, she should cut off all contact with him, i.e. no accepting phone calls, deleting emails without opening, etc. He may kind of keep lines of communication open, so when his other girl and he are on the outs or he is between girls, to give her call and get his balls licked. The only thing this guy is going to do is scar her emotionally. So when the right man does come along, she is going to be so bitter, she want even recognize him. The dude is bad, smelly rubbish. What is boils down is to this dude bad character, his core humanity.

Absolutely right Pooky cowardice is no excuse at all. It may be the general modus operandi of most men according to Balo but that does not make it right. It is always best to let people know when you're no longer into them rather than string them along.

[Auspicious]

Originally Posted by liloldlady

..It's even worse, when they come from polygamous homes, where treating each other like, dead and decaying organic matter, is the order of the day..

Here we go again with the reckless broadswipes. May we all find it in us NOT TO USE ISOLATED CASES as the template for bismirching the integrity of institutions or persons with reckless abandon.

Tyler Perry, who went through a childhood of abuse, was from a monogamous home. And the same goes for thousands and thousands of many abused children or wives in abusive marriages.

Yet, we know, how foolhardy it'll be to use such excuse to portray monogamous marriage - or even marriage as an institution - in any bad light. We can condemn violence without exploiting it to villify practitioners or products of polygamous marital institutions.

Auspicious.

[Balo]

Originally Posted by valteena

Absolutely right Pooky cowardice is no excuse at all. It may be the general modus operandi of most men according to Balo but that does not make it right. It is always best to let people know when you're no longer into them rather than string them along.

I am not saying this applies in all cases o, of course we have the exceptional cases such as that above when the babe becomes too persistent and the guy might then be forced to blurt out those dreaded words - "I don't think this is going anywhere". And also I am not speaking for all guys, I am just writing from my own personal experiences which I am both drawing on and trying to share.

I do not agree with Pooky that this in anyway indicates cowardice, it's just the traditional/less troublesome way of doing these things.

[valteena]

Originally Posted by Balo

I am not saying this applies in all cases o, of course we have the exceptional cases such as that above when the babe becomes too persistent and the guy might then be forced to blurt out those dreaded words - "I don't think this is going anywhere". And also I am not speaking for all guys, I am just writing from my own personal experiences which I am both drawing on and trying to share.

I do not agree with Pooky that this in anyway indicates cowardice, it's just the traditional/less troublesome way of doing these things.

Maybe if the guy in the above case have blurted it out from the get go that he is no longer keen on the relationship, then she wouldn't be so persistent.

I agree with you that not all men take this cowardly way out. (I agree with Pooky and maintain that it is cowardly for anyone man or woman to string the other along btw who says it is less troublesome? and to who anyway?). We have the example of Eja on this thread who has confirmed that he normally make clear his intention which is the right and gentlemanly thing to do in my view.

[purple]

Originally Posted by liloldlady

A lot of Nigerian men especially the ones who have not had a chance to live outside Nigeria, and learn better ways of treating human beings, assume that the really horrific ways they treat each other within Nigeria is alright.
(some who even live outside Nigeria, are 'learning resistant' hence, the high incidence of Domestic violence in Immigrant Nigerian homes)

Hence physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse is all OK in their books, when in a relationship with a woman.
It's even worse, when they come from polygamous homes, where treating each other like, dead and decaying organic matter, is the order of the day.

These are people, who think nothing of hitting a woman for being "Troublesome"
God save young women, who have to choose life partners, from such a stable of misfits.

What is it about living outside Nigeria that would enable a man treat another human being especially his wife/GF better?

The notion that living outside Nigeria makes you better at human relations is flawed and the whole diaspora thing is overrated in this particular instance.
Just from speaking with my grandmother, 3rd wife in a polygamous relationship, she made it clear that her husband was a perfect gentleman, a provider, a friend and confidant. He treated her good and she enjoyed her polygamous marriage. Her husband probably never travelled outside his local government his entire life, but he was good to her. In fact she presented him as great to her. There are hundreds of millions of other Nigerian men like him who do not need to travel anywhere to just be decent human beings.

[Iye]

[QUOTE=purple;393694]What is it about living outside Nigeria that would enable a man treat another human being especially his wife/GF better?

QUOTE]


Most niaja men become terrorist to their women once they leave the shores of Nigeria.

[purple]

Originally Posted by agensheku

From your last post , anonymous villager,may i suggest if its not too late that you go and enrol to become a Sister once and for all!i am yet to see any partner who will agree to a sexless relationship,unless he is a "february".secondly,you may need to go for counselling as you sound like an under18(no insult intended).there are so many young ladies who can cope with your kind of situation easily.one last thing,a lot of nija ladies love with all their head and heart and cannot think straight again.its such ladies that men abuse emotionally.meanwhile,there are nija ladies who are so streetwise they can talk a man to part with his wetincall and he would be on the path of slicing it off before such girls tell him to zip up.life is full of ups and downs.shine your eyes and make up your mind what exactly you want.goodluck!

agensheku,

from your post you have not seen 'sexless' relationships. That is indeed interesting, cos I have seen multiples of relationships between adult females and males that did not evolve to lovemaking (sexual intercourse) based on their christian faith and desire to respect their partner's wishes. Cynicsm might make it difficult for some to believe this is possible, but it happens more that we care to aknowledge. Some people (male and female) chose to remain virgins till their wedding nights and stay true to that wish. I could give personal data but chose not to.

While the instincts and desire may be there as to be expected in normal human development, some christians have made a choice not to make love prior to marriage and have been able to successfully stand by that decision to honor God's word. We are not all out of control and driven by instincts that reduce us to hormone crazed helpless victims of sexual desire.

On a final note, I did interveiw some elderly persons, who told me that in ancient Yoruba culture, due to the strong emphasis on taboo of sex before marriage, young men and women were known to spend considerable time together without getting between the sheets. This was just based on upbringing and not been socialized into the all you can sex environment in which we are today. And I do believe my interviewees as credible.

[Eja]

Originally Posted by Rose

Can you prove it was the same lady you broke up with?

Rose, it was her. Who else could it be?

Meanwhile, here's one for all those women who still hate the ex.

YouTube - Basement Jaxx Feat. Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck

[DoubleWahala]

There's a big difference between the way most women believe men should be, and the way most men actually are.

The majority of comments in this thread really highlights the huge chasm between belief and reality.

However, this does not mean women should stop believing. After all, as long as there is life, there is hope.

Good Afternoon.

DW

[Auspicious]

Originally Posted by DoubleWahala

There's a big difference between the way most women believe men should be, and the way most men actually are.

The majority of comments in this thread really highlights the huge chasm between belief and reality.

However, this does not mean women should stop believing. After all, as long as there is life, there is hope.

Good Afternoon.

DW

DoubleWahala don come againeeeooo, Oooh-Ooh-Oooooh!

Good Efenin.

Auspicious.

[Balo]

Ok o, Val, Rose and Pooky na cowardice abi. I am sure you guys have had many of your exs' actually walk up to your homes or some other place and told you to your face that the relationship is over, abi? Una well done, hen?

[Ajanlekoko]

It is simple: when the guy wasn't getting 'the consideration' that spurred him to go into the relationship anymore, he back out. Make sure you know the true intentions of your next suitor before you leap. QED.

[lateesha]

Originally Posted by valteena

Absolutely right Pooky cowardice is no excuse at all. It may be the general modus operandi of most men according to Balo but that does not make it right. It is always best to let people know when you're no longer into them rather than string them along.

As a woman I understand where you,pooky and Rose are coming from but you need to listen to Balo because that is the plain truth.Most men don't go telling a girl they are no more into her,they show it by withdrawing and the poster's man has spoken that language.
Men and women are different ,they reason and act differently to issues too.
You're expecting a man to do what a woman would do in this instance.
Infidelity is usually the only reason a man would come out and tell a girl it's over.
The mere fact that this chic opened this thread shows she'd already seen and read the handwriting on the wall.

[liloldlady]

Originally Posted by purple

What is it about living outside Nigeria that would enable a man treat another human being especially his wife/GF better?

The notion that living outside Nigeria makes you better at human relations is flawed and the whole diaspora thing is overrated in this particular instance.
Just from speaking with my grandmother, 3rd wife in a polygamous relationship, she made it clear that her husband was a perfect gentleman, a provider, a friend and confidant. He treated her good and she enjoyed her polygamous marriage. Her husband probably never travelled outside his local government his entire life, but he was good to her. In fact she presented him as great to her. There are hundreds of millions of other Nigerian men like him who do not need to travel anywhere to just be decent human beings.

I can understand if stating that living outside Nigeria like I did, gave the impression that those living in Nigeria were not informed or aware, far from that..It was not my intention.
The Issue of domestic strife, especially domestic violence, is one that society has only began to be sensitised, as to its very damaging consequences, especially its link to long term damage to mental health.
It is a known fact that, a lot of the work that has been done, to make men aware of this, happens especially outside Nigeria, hence we still have a situation where Domestic violence is seen as a private family matter in Nigeria, and thus not accorded the seriousness it deserves.
I was guilty of brevity, I should have taken the pains to explain myself better.

With regard to Polygamy....Context makes all the difference.
In the era of your Grandma, when marriage was the only career option for a woman, since it accorded her the only chance of realising her maternal ambition of being a mother, and for most women, it was their source of security, personal safety, a means of livlihood, especially with regard to acess to use of land, because she could only farm her husbands land, and not her father's...Polygamy was not only acceptable but desirable.
With regard to Present times, a woman's role has changed drastically.
TODAY....the prevailing condition that existed, where women were less optioned, and therefore entered into marriage as the only means of Parenting, security, income, personal protection, status in society, is no longer so..
Whilst polygamy was alright and even desirable in your grandmothers time, today it is a source of strife and turmoil in most homes where it obtains.
And the damage it does to the offspring of such setup is not a secret, since the length and breath of the land, these adult children of Polygamous Parents, are forthcoming in sharing the stories of the many harrowing tales of woe, of what family life was like, courtesy of Polygamy

[valteena]

Originally Posted by Balo

Ok o, Val, Rose and Pooky na cowardice abi. I am sure you guys have had many of your exs' actually walk up to your homes or some other place and told you to your face that the relationship is over, abi? Una well done, hen?

Sorry to disappoint you but I have never had any man end a relationship with me before and hopefully won't have now. I've always done the ending and properly too.

But if it were to happen, that is what I would rather he does. Tell me rather than play hide and seek with me. I would respect him better for it and that is my point lol.

[denker]

Originally Posted by valteena

Sorry to disappoint you but I have never had any man end a relationship with me before and hopefully won't have now. I've always done the ending and properly too.

liar...liar...liar...i did it to u....

But if it were to happen, that is what I would rather he does. Tell me rather than do hide and seek with me. I would respect him better for it and that is my point lol.

wat ma gonna do, i did it but u keep stalking...liar...liar...liar..