Whose house is it anyway? - Page 2

I need your help!

This is a palaver, that I have no clue how to deal with! I have a mother-in-law who has taken it upon herself to think that my matrimonial home is also her home. Mind you, this woman lives in Naija while we live in the states.

In the only spare...

Click here to read the entire palava

Vade Mecum · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:05 PM

A.V.,

The real issue is that you lack brokenness, humility, patience, endurance, depth, understanding, wisdom, tolerance, perseverance and egalitarianism. Please accept my observation in good faith.

In life we have times and seasons. Also in life we have teachers and mentors; but they come in different and funny disguises. There are lessons built into our lives. Teachers appear to teach us what we need to learn, when we are ready for such lessons.

You can take my words to the bank. If you decide to engineer your husband into talking your mother-in-law to cancel her travel plans; some other mentor/teacher disguised as a relative or family friend/ co-worker will appear to teach you these lessons.

Your problem is not your mother -in-law. In fact, she is actually one of the greatest blessings in your life. Twenty years from now, you will think back and laugh at your current ignorance and lack of understanding

Let her come and visit. Be completely broken and humble, while she is around. In so doing, you will learn all the lessons you have been destined to learn from your MIL, and move up faster in your journey through life.

Pray for God's enduement of depth and divine guidance

MrsChocT · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:05 PM

Lateesha, you will soon get a red card, abeg, left matter..... AV is going through stuff. Let's give her 2cents in love.

But truth be told, some MIL are evil. I have a friend whose MIL asked her to do driver in London, a day after she had miscarriage. Imagine that, the girl was in pain and the MIL told her.......it isn't as if you had a real baby so pls take panadol and drive me jo...

Well fast forward, the girl don open eye and MIL no dey mess with am again....... now that's an evil MIL. But im pikin self no blame the wife for opening eye...na Mama cause am

BTW, AV....ndo, e go better.....honestly sometimes I think family members should stay away from newly weds and let them enjoy their marriage before add their own stress to things. But you know our culture is different, hopefully we'll learn soon.

mulan · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:08 PM

Anonee,

If I heard my MIL say 'we', I will take it that she has included me totally on her side. I don't see anything wrong in her having her clothes in your spare room or is she saying no one else should use the room? I'm more worried that you wrote your husband questions you about entering the room. You may think of having an aggro-less discussion with him on why he feels you shouldn't use the room as any other room in your house. If that means packing up MILs things when she's not there, then both of you will have to agree on that.

Now onto the MIL front. Honestly, it's not a competition. Take her as your own mother but one you just have to learn her mannerisms anew. She may not act exactly as your mum but are any two people the same? Live your life and enjoy your marriage, draw your MIL closer and you'll be happier for it. I have not fought any battles and I'm hoping not to. Me I no like wahala and would not create one for myself when there's no need. In this case, I think you should jump am pass...

Auspicious · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:28 PM

+

I won't totally dismiss of AV's palava as an issue of impatience of sorts on her part . She obviously believes she has a problem and, wether some of us believe it or not, she truly might have a genuine reason to feel she has a problem - the kind of reason that one may not be able to fully communicate in a post to the Palava Section of an online Forum, but a reason which may be as unique as to require us walking NOT in our shoes, but in HER particular size konkolo shoes to get a full picture of it all.

Hence the reason why one needs to approach the dispensing of advice (or taking a side over the other) in a very delicate manner. In other words, you don't exactly go on and tell the person seeking advice what to do (or what not to do). Rather, you help her see all the angles that she may not be seeing so that she can make the BEST decision for herself. Such method of dispensing with advice helps whatever message we seek to impart stick better in the mind of the person to whom we are giving advice.

Perhaps there are some dominatrix characteristics that AV has seen in her MIL that she does not like, but somehow lacks the wherewithal to express it in a way that you and I can understand or fully appreciate. Some of us can sometimes read these things (dominating tendencies) as they begin to manifest in other people around her - people who appear to want to help but are only feathering their nests and inserting themselves too hard into a young couple's life, thereby creating a "three is a crowd" arrangement.

And I know of a few people like that very well out there - people who, after issues as we have there come up, they will counter you by making you out as an ingrate. They'd say something like: "Me that when I am coming from Nigeria (uninvited?), I will buy her crayfish and dried-pepper", forgetting to mention that they also make life unbearable for the person whenever they are around by practically robbing her of her status as the first-lady of her own new home. And that's just one example of such o!

So, please, because it is just plain impossible for us to see the picture 100%, it is ALWAYS safer to dispense of advice with utmost caution. The BEST way is always to present options while keeping eyes on both sides. Just as we have heard of DILs who practically want to isolate sons from their in-laws, we also have heard of MILs who forget the difference between DILs and house-helps. And even though we hear more of the latter than the former, we should still be cautious when giving advice.

Auspicious.

Anonymous Villager · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:37 PM

Latesha, even you should know that when you want to scold a child, you should pull the child closer in the process. By your utter outrage which is what it is if you ask me, how can you say I am angry when you have spilled your guts on this page? Why are you even drinking panadol for someone else’s headache. Okay oh, if you say I don’t have respect I will say thank you since you know me well now. What you need to do if you want someone to take your advice is present it in a way that makes the receiver appreciate it. You think it will make me choose your unprovided advice over someone else’s? Not!!!!!!! Or you think i will feel guilty? Not X 2!!!!!! I am the one wearing the shoe and knows where it hurts. I have not shared anything with you, and like I said above will not. I can stomach certain things, but when they come with someone moving their clothes into my home and wanting to make my home theirs, at the same time, it feels like a problem. Like I said in my post, women on NVS seem to want to do the right thing and that is why I said please tell me what I should do – the right thing. I didn’t ask you to not scold me, but I said teach me to do the right thing. I don’t have the answer, did not pretend that I do. I was willing to hear you out and to take notes. But your rage makes me look at your so-called advice with kayleg. Who said the woman is a witch now? Because I share one problem with you doesn’t make this a main problem in my marital life.

God will not let my husband carry my load out of my house. Why are you so negative? And for the record, you fought a battle and won does not mean that you should share advice the way you have. All the other people have provided advice and they did not turn me into meat, tell me why in such anger your advice should be honored? I don’t want your advice. Which advice sef? Shiorrr! Please gerrrout. For your information, the day my motherinlaw stresses me that I have not born for her child, and the child does not say anything, I will pack out. I have a house that I am coming from and it is one that I will gladly return to with or without the hubby.

Finally, Lateesha advice from men in situations like this may be the best advice okay. Plus children are from God alright? Insecurity has nothing to do with it. Any woman who falls trap into being insecure because her motherinlaw is very stupid. I am not one of them. Mrs knowitall. you come acrss as a "bully"

Liloldlady, hmmm you are right. Did she gain a daughter or lose a son? I have to agree with you but please look at it from my viewpoint. Read what I wrote to shokolokobangoshe. I feel she does it to lay claim and to let me know that she has as much rights as I do in our home. Am I the kind of wife who will draw her husband from his family? Please provide more examples to support your statement above so that I can see where you are coming from and where I am totally not making the right connection.

Thanks for the second post. This is what I was looking for. Doing the right thing! If it’s not worth my time and day, why bother. You ladies are experienced and that is what I need to hear. I will ask God for His strength and I think henceforth, will look away from it. Perhaps that is not the woman’s intent (I really doubt it though).

SeriousNaijaBabe, thank you for your input. Well heard and i don't have much choice from what i can see.

Mulan, also thanks. I will start using the “we” in a positive gesture next time.

In conclusion:
What have I not learned today? That I am exaggerating? You know what? My take on life is that 99 people cannot be wrong out of 101 people. I think I am the one who should stop overreacting and take this episode in good faith. Maybe I will be the one to come and share good news in the future of how we have become best friends, but hmmmm that will be a day for celebration.

I have a new perspective on this issue . and though i have never voiced anything with my husband even to hear his side, I am happy to have shared here because the consensus is that there is nothing to worry about and that I need to chill. She is coming and I will update to let you know how it goes - good and bad. hopefully more good than bad.

But still like I said, my mother inlaw is not a saint oh. Even her daughter tells me everytime that her mother is troublesome and that I shouldn’t mind her but still I better thank God that I put this thing here first. Any other advice would be counterfeit one from what I can see. I think I was reading too many meanings into things she said that someone else would not even look at.

lateesha · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:44 PM

You might as well comot the paper bag,everyone here knows who you are.
do you want me to send a pm to your real moniker?
That's the only way to "pull a child closer"
Stop sounding like a victim when you're victimizing your MIL
I may have been harsh but 99% of the posters are echoing the same tune i.e stop manufacturing problems where there are none.
Sorry I can't relate well to anonymous posters,if you came in your real person,I may be more sympathetic.

MrsChocT · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:48 PM

We can speak from here to the moon, only Mrs. AV knows what she's going through. I gave my own two cents based on her account. Some of us see a cup half full while others see it half empty aka O ko ju si mi, ehin lo ko si elomiran.

Usually when a woman thinks there is an issue, it isn't always too far from the truth. Mrs. AV needs to just be diplomatic, whether she has a good or bad MIL, the key to enjoy MIL without wahala is diplomacy. Smile even if you feel like crying. Dance even if you feel like grumbling but whatever issues just take it to God and He'll deal with it.

A woman shouldn't be made to feel insignificant in her own home. Her husband telling her not to enter the room probably compounded the issue. If she's in my MIL and now my mom, I should be able to enter her room whether she's there or not. Marriage takes two, her husband has his own part to play. If he makes her feel worthy, then Mrs. AV will certainly have nothing to worry about. But one has to admit that Naija men don't usually see things unless their attention is called to the situation.
I have said it before here that we take enough credits to graduate college but we never take courses to enter into marriage or will most ever graduate from the institution. AV learn from seasoned married women who do not offer you negative advice. You need women that are objective and not quick to judge. You needn't tell them what is going on in your home but just seek their views on marriage.
One such woman was Bimbo Odukoya, Lord bless her soul.....if you're chanced, read her book Marriage: Real People, Real Problems, Wise Counsel

Amazon.com: Marriage: Real People, Real Problems, Wise Counsel (9781604774504): Bimbo Odukoya: Books

Just carry yourself in a way that your MIL will find no fault in you even if she tries. And if she still does, God will take control.
Pele dear, e go better.

lateesha · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:49 PM

I have a new perspective on this issue . and though i have never voiced anything with my husband even to hear his side, I am happy to have shared here because the consensus is that there is nothing to worry about and that I need to chill. She is coming and I will update to let you know how it goes - good and bad. hopefully more good than bad.

Allahu Akhban!
I hope I contributed in my own lirrule way

Anonymous Villager · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:51 PM

Originally Posted by Auspicious

+

I won't totally dismiss of AV's palava as an issue of impatience of sorts on her part . She obviously believes she has a problem and, wether some of us believe it or not, she truly might have a genuine reason to feel she has a problem - the kind of reason that one may not be able to fully communicate in a post to the Palava Section of an online Forum, but a reason which may be as unique as to require us walking NOT in our shoes, but in HER particular size konkolo shoes to get a full picture of it all.

Hence the reason why one needs to approach the dispensing of advice (or taking a side over the other) in a very delicate manner. In other words, you don't exactly go on and tell the person seeking advice what to do (or what not to do). Rather, you help her see all the angles that she may not be seeing so that she can make the BEST decision for herself. Such method of dispensing with advice helps whatever message we seek to impart stick better in the mind of the person to whom we are giving advice.

Perhaps there are some dominatrix characteristics that AV has seen in her MIL that she does not like, but somehow lacks the wherewithal to express it in a way that you and I can understand or fully appreciate. Some of us can sometimes read these things (dominating tendencies) as they begin to manifest in people like her MIL - people who appear to want to help but are only feathering their nests and inserting themselves too hard into a young couple's life, thereby creating a "three is a crowd" arrangement.

And I know of a few people like that very well out there - people who, after issues as we have there come up, they will counter you by making you out as an ingrate. They'd say something like: "Me that when I am coming from Nigeria (uninvited?), I will buy her crayfish and dried-pepper", forgetting to mention that they also make life unbearable for the person whenever they are around by practically robbing of her status as the first-lady of her own new home. And that's just one example of such o!

So, please, because it is just plain impossible for us to see the picture 100%, it is ALWAYS safer to dispense of advice with utmost caution. The BEST way is always to present options while keeping eyes on both sides. Just as we have heard of DILs who practically want to isolate sons from their in-laws, we also have heard of MILs who forget the difference between DILs and house-helps. And even though we hear more of the latter than the former, we should still be cautious when giving advice.

Auspicious.

all I will say now is that I read Aupicious's post and started to cry. I know i am not a bad person and not evil or looking for unecessary trouble. I know what I have haeard and some of the things that have transpired. Mine is a typical example of a couple whose marriage has to the best extent possible tried to be manipulated by inlaws but for standing my ground in certain situations. Aupicious you took the words from my heart and you explained everything that i am going through. This woman is not wicked and I will never say she is, i tell people she is a good woman with a good heart, but i know the umbilical cord that is still tying her to my husband and that is were my fear lies. To come here to post was hard for me, but I did because I needed help and advice to be able to move on in the right direction. Loving my husband 100 percent does not mean I have to allow his mother rule my marriage. That is all I want. But I have heard everybody's advice and as said before you can't all be wrong. I will put efforts into making positive out of this negative.

Oluwato · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:52 PM

AV,

It would have helped if you stated if you were a Christian, that way, I could have given you some spiritual resources. By your post, you are in shock, it makes me wonder if you and your husband discussed the place of in-laws and the boundaries you would both keep. That said, there's a wisdom tip I learned before I got married which is "never go to sleep without resolving a conflict"...create time to talk with your husband about your "fears, suspicions and concerns". In-laws have been known to tear marriages apart, so don't be unnecessarily permissive, you should not be unnecessary critical either.

Kindly confirm if you are a Christian for there are two ways to fight a battle...spiritual and physical. If you are a Christian, then I can really assist. Also, don't let anyone here on NVS get to you, live and enjoy your life, only you can.

MrsChocT · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:55 PM

Originally Posted by lateesha

You might as well comot the paper bag,everyone here knows who you are.
do you want me to send a pm to your real moniker?
That's the only way to "pull a child closer"
Stop sounding like a victim when you're victimizing your MIL
I may have been harsh but 99% of the posters are echoing the same tune i.e stop manufacturing problems where there are none.
Sorry I can't relate well to anonymous posters,if you came in your real person,I may be more sympathetic.

Lateesha, why are you being a bully? I can't support you if you are wrong. Haba, I have told you to put down your FBI hat when you are on NVS. Exposing who the real moniker is ...........kai will that make you happy? Please don't make be notify admin to issue you a red card. Haba kilode.
The AV poster is there for a reason so folks don't start saying stuff like this.
So stop it or I will give you a name tantamount to agbaiya.
If you know who she is, know for yaself and leave it at that.

Auspicious · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:55 PM

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

all I will say now is that I read Aupicious's post and started to cry. I know i am not a bad person and not evil or looking for unecessary trouble. I know what I have haeard and some of the things that have transpired. Mine is a typical example of a couple whose marriage has to the best extent possible tried to be manipulated by inlaws but for standing my ground in certain situations. Aupicious you took the words from my heart and you explained everything that i am going through. This woman is not wicked and I will never say she is, i tell people she is a good woman with a good heart, but i know the umbilical cord that is still tying her to my husband and that is were my fear lies. To come here to post was hard for me, but I did because I needed help and advice to be able to move on in the right direction. Loving my husband 100 percent does not mean I have to allow his mother rule my marriage. That is all I want. But I have heard everybody's advice and as said before you can't all be wrong. I will put efforts into making positive out of this negative.

It shall be well, Lady.

May you and your MIL grow to be best friends (work for it!)

And may your marriage survive all real and imagined bumps.

Auspicious.

Auspicious · Oct 26, 2009 , 11:58 PM

Originally Posted by lateesha

You might as well comot the paper bag,everyone here knows who you are..

So WHAT if you (or everyone) knows who she is?

Auspicious.

MrsChocT · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:03 AM

Lateesha, you are a troublesome woman. Kai, have you eaten? Go and eat dinner, biko, leave Mrs. AV alone

Bunch17 · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:05 AM

Sorry to digress, but why is it that women, yes women don't know when to let go. It is always MIL this MIL that. You never hear of FILs. Women seem to want to relive their lives through their sons. I have seen several perfectly healthy relationships break down because the man did not know where to draw the line.

MrsChocT · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:08 AM

Be warned, if I see any yeye post here, I will be reporting it. You don't even need to ask who dunnit, na me!

Oluwato · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:08 AM

Originally Posted by Bunch17

Sorry to digress, but why is it that women, yes women don't know when to let go. It is always MIL this MIL that. You never hear of FILs. Women seem to want to relive their lives through their sons. I have seen several perfectly healthy relationships break down because the man did not know where to draw the line.

I agree, the onus is on the man... yes, it's my Christian bias, God told the man to LEAVE and CLEAVE...!

Balo · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:09 AM

Just cam across this thread. Lati, you are a gem. AV, sorry but na you get the wahala - your mum-in-law from what I have glimpsed from what you have written sounds like a woman who has accepted you into her heart but for one strange reason or the other you resent her. As for me I pity your hussy bigtime!

Auspicious · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:11 AM

Originally Posted by Bunch17

..You never hear of FILs..

Not if you're married to Auspy's daughter!

Nna, you go hia nwehn!

Auspicious.

Auspicious · Oct 27, 2009 , 12:14 AM

Originally Posted by Balo

Just cam across this thread. Lati, you are a gem. AV, sorry but na you get the wahala - your mum-in-law from what I have glimpsed from what you have written sounds like a woman who has accepted you into her heart but for one strange reason or the other you resent her. As for me I pity your hussy bigtime!

Baloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

.
.
.
No, I don't think that was loud enough:
.
.
.
BALOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Esu fun ra e! Finally, I got you figured out...FINALLY!!!

Auspicious.