My Own Sexual Abuse Story and the Culture of Silence in Our Society

I am a JJC not sure if this is really a palava story but I am upset enough to want to put it here and it offers me a way to tell my story anonymously.

I was sexually abused twice, one when I was a child of about 5 or 6, about 6 times. The other time when I was in my early teens, with...

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[Auspicious]

Originally Posted by Afro-poet

Thank you TechSista in submitting that "I don't think most parents are naturally prepared to deal with these kinds of issues - I mean who wakes up in the morning and imagines such things will happen to their child? "So giving that assumption, Auspy I agin ask you , what would you have done in the exact senario painted by AV if you were her parents with regards to all the questions I posed earlier - I await your response. Trust me, this is not in anyway trying to trap you, it is also for my education the same way AV has kindly helped shed light on your own questions, I simply want to get a man's perspective since it was easy for you to see how the Uncle can make the decisions he made regarding his friend. Believe me when I say this situation can happen to anyone, no one is ever prepared for it. Thanks for obliging me.

Afro-Poet.

Afro-Poet Daaaaarling!

I am currently tipsy after downing a whole bottle of cheap red wine.

Hence my last comments and anything else I say probably shouldn't be taken seriously.

I don't know what I'd do, o'jare. Really.

All I know is I am will be maaaad if they don't believe me - like Techsis' friends parent's didn't believe her.

That, I think, will be my biggest problem - how they believe a moslesting priest over my innocent self????

Aaaaaargh!

Hey do yo ulike Red Wine by the way? I'd like to meet you in person. Seriously.

Auspicious.

[Afro-poet]

Originally Posted by Auspicious

Afro-Poet Daaaaarling!

All I know is I am will be maaaad if they don't believe me - like Techsis' friends parent's didn't believe her.
.

I'm not asking what you would do as a victim, but what you would do as a PARENT/GUARDIAN. I see you playing maradona with my question hen? you sha think you are smart sha Answer the questions now, and I'll pour myself a glass of chardonay and drink one for you too

To not do so, and the hesitation I sense actually leaves me wondering, imagining and assuming whether you would have handled the situation as her parents did in the aftermath (and you don't want me making wrong assumptions now ) - if I don't have an idea of how you would handle such matters, how would you and I then agree on how to raise the kids we will soon have together?? - Since according to you I'm now your "daaaarling" sans 50 tubers of yam etc etc...that will be your "purchase" price of my body, soul and servitude .

At least, show me the same degree of generousity that AV showed you - So again, pls revert on ALL THE QUESTIONS I ASKED and I will hold my peace forever on this matter .

WWAD ( What Would Auspy Do?)

Afro-Poet.

[Auspicious]

Hi, Ms. Afro-Poet!

Ok, Ok, ok, OOOOOOKAY!

If I were Techsis's friend's parents,

I will just gba 'na je! ('Eat Fire'/Explode)..

I would want to kill the b*stard of a molesting priest..

My paternal instinct to protect my innocent offspring would fire-up..

And I would 'embrace' her and offer her strong consolation and reassurance..

I would stand by her because I trust her as a daughter whom I raised well...

I would then report the offending priest/molester to the authorities...

(Hopefully not the Nigerian Police as currently constituted!)

But I will report it to the law enforcement only with her absolute consent.

It is her life that is affected, afterall - forget that I am the man who sired her.

I will do all that is neccesary for her to heal..and compel her to be as open about it as she can.

If she cannot share the embarassing details with me, I will have her speak to trusted people in whom she can.

Auspicious.




And when he denies it, as he would most likely do,

[Afro-poet]

You answered a question I NEVER Asked. WWAD if you were ANONYMOUS VILLAGER'S PARENTS/GUARDIAN ? - I MEAN THE AV WHO SHARED THE ABOVE STORY factoring in the fact that you have to weight losing a friendship Vs. protecting your daugher. Or do you need an interpreter ???????????????????????????. Obviously you leave a lot of question about your position on this matter hanging in the air. It will cost you plenty - your reputation that is already in question that is - So pls again, oblige, I'm keenly awaiting your answers on all the questions I posed - which by the way is looking like you will never give And that really makes one wonder about you doesn't it ???.

Originally Posted by Auspicious

Hi, Ms. Afro-Poet!

Ok, Ok, ok, OOOOOOKAY!

If I were Techsis's friend's parents,

I will just gba 'na je! ('Eat Fire'/Explode)..

I would want to kill the b*stard of a molesting priest..

My paternal instinct to protect my innocent offspring would fire-up..

And I would 'embrace' her and offer her strong consolation and reassurance..

I would stand by her because I trust her as a daughter whom I raised well...

I would then report the offending priest/molester to the authorities...

(Hopefully not the Nigerian Police as currently constituted!)

But I will report it to the law enforcement only with her absolute consent.

It is her life that is affected, afterall - forget that I am the man who sired her.

I will do all that is neccesary for her to heal..and compel her to be as open about it as she can.

If she cannot share the embarassing details with me, I will have her speak to trusted people in whom she can.

Auspicious.




And when he denies it, as he would most likely do,

[Auspicious]

Jeeeezuz Christ, Afro-Poet!

I thought I already answered you the last time!?!

Or do you need me to "find (you) an intepreter" now?

I actually thought you asked a diffrent question entirely..

A different question regarding my response to Techsis' comments.

Too bad your comments were above my comments you quoted..

I just read your comments and responded to the wrong one.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU - I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW WHAT I'D DO!!!!!

THAT WAS WHY I ASKED AV1 IN THE FIRST INSTANCE, I SAID!!!!!!!!

YOU DON'T NEED BRAILLE NOW, DO YOU? I HOPE NOT!

Just say it, Afro-Poet - tell me you love me tori-torun..(head 'n' neck!)

And we'd be Square...cuz I love you tori-torun too!!!!

CONFESS!!!!

PS: You better believe it; my reputation is as intact as ever.

Auspicious.

[Afro-poet]

Ok then, I am quite satisfied with my conclusions. When (hypothetically), a Father does not know what he would do should he be faced with a choice between jeopardizing a friendship and protecting his daugther molested by the said friend . WOW!!. I would think that anwser shouldn't have to require a split second thought. But then, I learn every day.

Love you ke??? - You know you & I will not fit inside an entire stadium, the turbulence alone would cause a world war

~ Afro-Poet.

Originally Posted by Auspicious

Jeeeezuz Christ, Afro-Poet!

I thought I already answered you the last time!?!

Or do you need me to "find (you) an intepreter" now?

I actually thought you asked a diffrent question entirely..

A different question regarding my response to Techsis' comments.

Too bad your comments were above my comments you quoted..

I just read your comments and responded to the wrong one.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU - I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW WHAT I'D DO!!!!!

THAT WAS WHY I ASKED AV1 IN THE FIRST INSTANCE, I SAID!!!!!!!!

YOU DON'T NEED BRAILLE NOW, DO YOU? I HOPE NOT!

Just say it, Afro-Poet - tell me you love me tori-torun..(head 'n' neck!)

And we'd be Square...cuz I love you tori-torun too!!!!

CONFESS!!!!

PS: You better believe it; my reputation is as intact as ever.

Auspicious.

[Auspicious]

Originally Posted by Afro-poet

Ok then, I am quite satisfied with my conclusions. When (hypothetically), a Father does not know what he would do should he be faced with a choice between jeopardizing a friendship and protecting his daugther molested by the said friend . WOW!!. I would think that anwser shouldn't have to require a split second thought. But then, I learn every day..

Hi, My Dearest Darling Afro-Poet Honey/Sweety!

Again, like I said, "perhaps that is why I am not yet a parent".

We (you and I) will cross that bridge when we get there jare..

Love you ke??? - You know you & I will not fit inside an entire stadium, the turbulence alone would cause a world war .

A-ha! I love that kind of 'turbulence' o'jare!

Wait, you think a stadium will do? I doubt it!

We'd probably need a whole Mega-City!!!!

Imagine, all that freedom for just me and you!

Auspicious.

[Afro-poet]

WHAT AUSPICIOUS WILL DO IF HIS DAUGHTER IS MOLESTED BY A PRIEST EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T HAVE A DAUGHER YET.

Auspiscious Said:

If I were Techsis's friend's parents, (Who was molested by a priest -AP)

I will just gba 'na je! ('Eat Fire'/Explode)..

I would want to kill the b*stard of a molesting priest..
My paternal instinct to protect my innocent offspring would fire-up..
And I would 'embrace' her and offer her strong consolation and reassurance..

I would stand by her because I trust her as a daughter whom I raised well...

I would then report the offending priest/molester to the authorities...

(Hopefully not the Nigerian Police as currently constituted!)

But I will report it to the law enforcement only with her absolute consent.

It is her life that is affected, afterall - forget that I am the man who sired her.

I will do all that is neccesary for her to heal..and compel her to be as open about it as she can.

If she cannot share the embarassing details with me, I will have her speak to trusted people in whom she can.

Auspicious.

VS.

WHAT AUSPICIOUS WILL DO IF HIS DAUGHTER IS MOLESTED BY A FRIEND OF HIS EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T HAVE A DAUGHER YET.

With regards to Anonymous Villager's molestation (Who was molested by a family friend -AP)

Auspicious said:

I thought I already answered you the last time!?!

Or do you need me to "find (you) an intepreter" now? ...

I ALREADY TOLD YOU - I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW WHAT I'D DO!!!!!

THAT WAS WHY I ASKED AV1 IN THE FIRST INSTANCE, I SAID!!!!!!!!

Again, like I said, "perhaps that is why I am not yet a parent".

We (you and I) will cross that bridge when we get there jare..

Auspicious.
__________________________________________________ _________

1) You clearly knew what you would do to a priest (I'm assuming a stranger, and non family member) if he molested your daughter, but you don't know what you would do if it were a friend. Even though in both cases you are NOT a parent yet. I'm just curious why you are not waiting to be a parent first before you determine what you would do to the priest as OPPOSED to your friend (or we could substitute that even for a family member)

2) I'm assuming that we are speaking about the same daughter here and the same degree of abuse.

3) I'm assuming that regardless of who it was who had abused your daughter, the trauma she feels will still be because she was abused (as "It is her life that is affected, afterall". )

Would it then be safe to conclude that this hesitation, this not knowing what to do, being at a loss for any tangible decisive action on the part of most people, misplaced loyalty when it comes to people the parents/gaurdian know and trust intimately as well as cultural hang-ups is why most abuse perpetrated by such individuals (Uncles, friends, fathers, grandfathers, brothers etc) are grossly under reported, not acted upon and sugar coated to somehow protect the wrong party?. Because Auspicious, if you don't know now what you will do now, (and I'm actually doubtful of that), trust me, you won't know (God forbid) should you ever be faced with such a situation. A family member or friend is not going to give you advanced warning that they will abuse your child at 7, or 14 or 21. And I hope to God your child never has to go through such a situation with someone close and familiar, because I think she may be left wanting. This in-action, this hesitation, this twisted loyalty is what feeds the culture of silence that deafens the cry of the victim.

I rest.

Afro-Poet.

[Auspicious]

Hi, Ms. Afro-Poet!

Along came Ms. Anonymous Villager with her story. I sympathized with her experience and I had a chain of questions go through my brain. I respectfully posed my questions at her, emphasizing that they were honest questions through which I wish to upgrade my memory. Ms. Anonymous Villager kindly obliged me with answers that were quite illuminating. I expressed my appreciation after adding my two cents.

Halfway through my memory upgrade session at Ms. Anonymous Villager's behest, you came and posed at me, an equal and opposite version of the exact questions I asked of Anonymous Villager. Just like I did, you emphasized the innocence of your questioning by stating it wasn't out of mischief or anything like that - even if it appears to reek of absolute mischief, considering your questioning someone who already admited his limitations/ignorance on the topic under discourse.

Yes, I told you in simple English Language, that quite frankly, I wouldn't know what to do because if I did, I wouldn't ask Ms AV in the first instance. But that wasn't good enough for you. You pressed on with your questioning and affirmation of the sincerity that your questioning bodes no mischief - even while your dogged efforts to force an answer out of me makes your questioning everything but innocent.

After you had heckled me for an answer and accused me of being evasive for so long, and make unfair insinuations about my "reputation", I decided to please you with an answer. But I made the mistake of responding to a wrong statement becaused I missed the comments you addressed, owing to your unique style of putting your comments above the quotes you addressed in those comments.

For that, you went ahead and chewed me out for being evasive again, asking if I needed an interpreter to help me understand (your simple English?) you. I responded with the explanation that I made a mistake and reverted to maintaining my previous stand; that were I to be in the shoes of the Ms. AV's parents, I honestly wouldn't know what to do. I stressed again that if I did, I wouldn't have bothered asking AV the questions I did in the first instance.

Yet, you would have none of that. You conveniently went ahead and took the previous comments I made and placed it against my "no comments" and drew your own conclusions about my person - unfair insinuations about my parental responsibilities and all, despite that I pointed out to you the fact that these are reasons why I am yet to become a parent. You took my comments and ran away with it as your 'Trophy'.

What else can I say? Well for what it is worth, I maintain that I simply wouldn't know what to do in either situation. It is easy for you and I or anybody out there else to flex our muscles on the Internet and say "Ah, I will do this or I will do that". The Yorubas would say "Enu dun ro'fo" in such circumstances - it is easier said than done! I like to be honest with myself and not be seen as showing off and that is why I maintain that I wouldn't know what to do.

My advise to you is this, you can't always have your way with people - much less strangers on the Net. If someone says to you, "I don't know", leave him be and find another person to answer your questions. Don't pester him for an answer or blackmail him with his "reputation" or any other such 'threats' - for lack of a better word here. More importantly, don't draw unfair conclusions out of the words you have forced out of him or her.

Kind Regards Still,

Auspicious.

[hopenjoy]

yeah, this is a reasonable response to all the Q and A we've had btw u two on this thread and me don't think Ms afropoet will have any more questions, at least not on this issue.

[Beam]

Dear Ms. Anonymous Villager

my heart goes out to you and i respect what you have shared with us and i think you are healing but you need to bring closure to the issue within yourself saying it and doing it are two different issues and i feel you need to find the peace within what happened Reading what you wrote regarding your parents as much as they were not accountable it seems when you needed the support they fell short well if it still does bother you talk to them again about it but this time tell them how you felt then, how you feel now, and what you
feel as you are telling them it will bring closure to you because you have at that point explained your honest feelings to them and ask them to explain to you why they took the steps they took at that time. Explain to them how you felt let down betrayed. we put it down to nigerian parents most of our parents are educated to a point that they should understand what ABUSE really is and what is right and wrong . I respect your dad a lot for taking you to get some kind of help and being in the first sessions but now you need to put closure and heal totally to move on and the Grace of God and the Peace of him will get you through this or shall i say has got you through it
i am a mother and i sometime wonder if any one messed with my daughter what would i do and i hate to think of it because i will surely kill his desire for that once and for all i will not kill his sick ridden ass but he will prefer to be dead when i get through with him or her!!
but My dear Brave Anonymous villager you are A hero in your own right for talking about it
and hold your head high but please get closure and always stay bleessed.

[tatafo]

Na wa oh... Afro Poet and Auspicious, you mean you had your own ping pong going on here? It will take me a week to read through everything here!

[.bebi]

I smell a very volatile r/tionship btw auspy darleen and afro-poet shld they get together in de name of marriage
Not to deviate,AV just find it in your hrt to forgive ur parents for they didnt know/still dont know what they did/do
Auspicious,u didnt give us u abuse gist?

[Anonymous Villager]

Originally Posted by Auspicious

Afro-Poet Daaaaarling!

I am currently tipsy after downing a whole bottle of cheap red wine.

Hence my last comments and anything else I say probably shouldn't be taken seriously.

I don't know what I'd do, o'jare. Really.

All I know is I am will be maaaad if they don't believe me - like Techsis' friends parent's didn't believe her.

That, I think, will be my biggest problem - how they believe a moslesting priest over my innocent self????

Aaaaaargh!

Hey do yo ulike Red Wine by the way? I'd like to meet you in person. Seriously.

Auspicious.

This sexual abuse thing is no joke. My friend's cousin was raped by her Uncle when she was 9. It traumatized her so much that she can barely have a semblance of normal relationship with any man.

I felt sad when I heard the story. She never told her mother, maybe it was the same fear that haunts most abused African children; their parents never believe them. And to make matters worse, the abuser goes on about his/her own business. Notice I said his/her own business, yes............news flash, women do it too.

I've begged this girl to tell her mother now that she's a grown woman. I'm compelled to believe her mother would hear her out. I don't think she's healed and even if she has, the wound is still fresh on the surface. She did take a bold step when she was about 18, she took a cab to the Uncle house and confronted him. He said nothing as if in stupor. She said she cursed him from the depth of her soul and then walked out.

IMHO, that helps no one as the hurt is still there. How do we go on? Sexual abuse affects an entire community not just the victim.

I know one thing, if it ever happened to my child, I'll kill the perpertrator before the cops get to the animal. Yes, I said animal, only an animal would do such.

[Anonymous Villager]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

This sexual abuse thing is no joke. My friend's cousin was raped by her Uncle when she was 9. It traumatized her so much that she can barely have a semblance of normal relationship with any man.

I felt sad when I heard the story. She never told her mother, maybe it was the same fear that haunts most abused African children; their parents never believe them. And to make matters worse, the abuser goes on about his/her own business. Notice I said his/her own business, yes............news flash, women do it too.

I've begged this girl to tell her mother now that she's a grown woman. I'm compelled to believe her mother would hear her out. I don't think she's healed and even if she has, the wound is still fresh on the surface. She did take a bold step when she was about 18, she took a cab to the Uncle house and confronted him. He said nothing as if in stupor. She said she cursed him from the depth of her soul and then walked out.

IMHO, that helps no one as the hurt is still there. How do we go on? Sexual abuse affects an entire community not just the victim.

I know one thing, if it ever happened to my child, I'll kill the perpertrator before the cops get to the animal. Yes, I said animal, only an animal would do such.

I am the Anonymous Vilager with the original story of this thread. I will just like to say that I agree with the AV above in this comment that her friend should tell her mother regardless of if she would be believed or not. She has taken the first step by confronting the abuser and she needs to take the steps further in the hope that public knowledge will lead him to stop if he is still abusing children.

AV1