[Olamide]

Thanks very much for this article but I will like to emphasize here that the only thing that is constant in a relationship or marriage is change because it is dynamic. Marriages fail because of the factors you mentioned but also because of some factors that you did not mention in your article. I was compeled to write a friend sometime ago about the same issue of why marriages fail after glorious courtships. The address and other delicate details about the person has been removed but the main body of the mail is reproduced below.

I am going to start by discussing the factors responsible for the death of the love that brought two persons together in marriage and then, the man or the woman start thinking of divorce or start having an affair. Having an affair sometimes could be due to lonelines where one of the spouses have to work away from home. Imagine the husband working in Maiduguri, Abuja, London, New York or Sudan while the wife is in Nigeria. The man naturally will start looking for ways to satisfy his sexual urge while the woman stays at home for months on end waiting for 'Oga' to return to come and service her. The real reasons for breakdown of relationships are explained below. You can agree or disagree with them but the points mentioned are the major ones as I had to filter through at least 20 reasons to the few ones explained in detail below.

a. Women change as they grow while men grow up but never changes: The person who said that age conferred wisdom did not have men in mind when he said those words. Age does not confer wisdom on men but actually make them worse. While age confers wisdom on women and melow them down, it makes the men grow wilder and sharpen their predilection for truancy. While a woman at 45 is aelready seeing herself as an elder and trying to assume the character that fits this appelation, a man at 45 is just beginning to enjoy life. he has probably started making more money and will be looking for ways of spending it on younger women. He will start travelling more at this stage and wil never behave according to his age by looking for women around his age bracket but girls who are 20 years younger.

b. Putting on weight: As a follow-up to the above, men find it very hard to believe that the slim girl he married 12 years ago will not remain that slim after giving him 6 sons to carry on his lineage and 4 girls to bring him in-laws. men always forget conveniently that they are also growing thicker around the middle and that the bulge in front of their 'agbadas' does not belong to ghosts. The man wants his wife to remain slim forever and where this is not possible, he start running around looking for slim ladies with upright breasts after turning his wife's breasts to 'slippers' through constant childbirth.

c. Lack of interest in Sex: You cannot cheat nature. Sex is like music. It changes as you grow older. From hard rock (15-25 years), you move to disco, Ragga and hip-hop (26-30) and then, R&B (31-35), then to soul (36-40) and lastly Jazz (40 -55) if you are lucky. From 56 onwards, you are on your own and liable to die of heart attack if you exert yourself too much during sex. The women reach the stage of Jazz faster than men and has to take it easy while 'Oga' still wants sex 4 times a week. Once Madam is not able to do this, a second wife might come in or he start running outside. He might also want a divorce if he thinks that he cannot conveniently marry a second wife. Some women also just stop functioning sexually due to psychological reasons and create problems for themselves.

d. Religion: This is the most divisive factor in every marriage, most especially, if both husband and wife does not share the same religious convictions. Women tend to be more religious than their husbands and as followers of all sorts of doctorines. Once the wife start attending churches where the Pastor preach in a way that makes having regular sex look like a spiritual problem, it is always the beginning of the end. Terms like 'dog spirit', 'mammy water', 'Ogbanje' ' sex taking away your glory' are used by stupid Pastors and their wives in order to enslave their congregation. the wife start denying her husband what is rightly his and the end result is that the man start keeping girlfriends and Sugar-mummies.

e. Transferring love to the children: While women grow up, the men remain at the same level of intellect when it comes to controlling their emotions. A man will become jealous of his children if the wife is paying them more attention than she is givng to him. he may start reacting to this development by having a lady friend outside that will be totally devoted to him. women have a big problem balancing the attention they give to the children and their husbands. It is rational to expect the man to know where his shirt is in the mornig while a 6 year old boy should be helped by his mum to find his shirt and wear it. That little gesture can set a man off and he can start thinking of getting a girlfriend outside. women also use the shildren as a shield when they have problems with their husbands. they start showering love on them instead of mending the relationship with their husbands. The husbands get more annoyed and as they say 'everything scatter-scatter'.

f. Becoming lousy with personnal hygiene: Most women becomes indifferent with their personal hygiene because they are growing older, nursing babies or taking care of the children and the house. Imagine the embarrassment of returning to the house in the evening to come and find your wife with a wrapper tied on her chest, her hair like a bird's nest on her head and smelling of breast milk or garlic or raw meat because she is preparing food . you will not like to stay at home with her but find an excuse to return outside almost immediately. Imagine the same wife coming to bed smelling the same way and you have a bad night in addition to a bad day. Women have to learn how to remain clean while doing the housework or taking care of the children. I am of the opinion that men should be assisting their wives but you want to stay in the kitchen if your wife is looking good and not like 'mama put' in the next street.

g. Comparing your spouse with others: General problem of both sexes. A man will always compare his wife to that of his neighbour and if he is not happy with the result, he might end up going out. The women also compare their husbands to the husbands of their friends. They wonder why his stomach is not flat like Mr. Williams or why he is not making enough money like Mr. Lawal. This can push them out also to have toyboys or sugar-daddies. Men and women have to learn to make the best use of whatever God has given them in term of spouses.

In conclusion, the inability to deal with or accept the changes that will take place in couples is mainly responsible for the collapse of many marriages. Partners should prepare their minds for the changes before venturing into marriage. Will teh lady be able to cope and stay with teh man if he start losing his hair, develop diabetes or develop that 'extra-tyre' around his waist? The man should also think about the realities of his wife losing her 'flawless skin', the cone-shaped breasts and putting on some weight after giving birth to those lovely children for you.