BREAKING NEWS!!!
Jesus Returns! Crowds Sing "Welcome Messiah Welcome."
Simon Cowell Arranges Worldwide Triumphal Tour!!!!
Tour Starts In Jerusalem and Takes in 999 World Cities!!!
No Nigerian City On Divine Itinerary!!!!!!!!
Nigerian Suicide Rate And Noise Pollution From Griping Reaches New Peak...
Daily Gbedu
DATELINE Abuja:
14th Al-Mududun 1501AH
Nigerian citizens were first delighted and then shocked in equal measure to discover that Jesus, the First Born Son of J.Hovah (Cosmic Plenipotentiary) and The Virgin Mary (
), has indeed returned to Earth as he promised one Good Friday on the Hill of Golgotha, Judea.
The shock that is shaking Nigeria derives from the fact that after the stop-off points on his world-wide tour were published in the global media, Nigerians searched in vain for the name of one of their cities.
Prior excitement at the sight of a Lagos on the list soon gave way to despair as it was noticed that the Lagos that would be visited by The Crown Prince Of Heaven was the original Lagos (i.e. the port city of Lagos in Portugal) and not its West African doppleganger.
On the spot surveys carried out by our mini-skirt wearing correspondents reveal that what hurts Nigerians the most is the fact that Jesus will be visiting Yaounde (Cameroon) to the east of Nigeria, and then Ndjamena (Chad)to the north-east, Niamey (Niger Republic) to the north-west, before alighting in Cotonou (Rep. Of Benin) by the western borders thereby completing, with his Holy Wandering Feet, a circle of
shameful exclusion around a country that is once again relegated to the status of pariah - Nigeria.
"What did we do to deserve this sort of highly disrespectful ignoration?
lamented Dr. Josiah Oturugbeke (JP), Dean, Faculty Of English, University Of Buxton, Okoko Campus,
"This perspicacious overlookery denudes the signifimacation of all tithes contributed by millions of Nigerians to many Christian Churches. The most Christian Christians in the whole of Africa are to be found within the deciduous borders of Nigeria. Why scronfulaciously bypass them in order to conciliate with almajiri in Niger Republic and gaddem Chad? I am no longer a Christian!! Ogun Ye! Konkobility!! Gba be!"
A more measured response was obtained from a silently weeping yet sober representative of Nigeria's apex Christian Association, CAN.
"We at CAN refuse to recognise the impostor as Jesus. Where are his credentials? So what if he walked on some water at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC? So did Bootsy Collins and as we all remember, he (Bootsy) informed us that as long as one knows where the rocks are, one can walk on water...CAN will await the return of the real Son Of God. No Iwuruwuru messiah is going to fool us. In fact, it is because he knows that Nigerians are the smartest people on Earth that he is running from us. We will unmask him and disgrace him if he sets a foot on our soil."
When asked why he was crying if he truly did not recognise the divinity of the returnee claiming to be Jesus, the CAN representative refused to answer.
On another breaking news front, Barack Obama, on his
13th visit to Africa as BOTUS, still refuses to come to Nigeria.
On behalf of all heart-broken Nigerians who had spent hours upon hours campaigning on his behalf over the Internet before his election, I say to Obama,
"Go to hell! We don't want you in Nigeria!!"