[e-Shegz]

Dear Mr. SA

On behalf of the entire good people of this great Nation, I welcome you back to 9ja full time! We are happy to have you around and we hope you were not driven by the global meltdown or Mr. Maddof.

We are aware that unlike some people, you came back with lorry loads of dollars. We are here to take "care" of it for you.

As an omo onile who's been on ground, do listen to the following, it will do you a whole world of good..

1. Careful, your accent might earn you a kidnap, your name does not help matter and your carelessness (pardon me, but that's what it is) in changing 5000 dollars at a go might prove to be your undoing next time. Change in bits and pieces in very safe places!

2. Steer clear of the younger girls, its called "child abuse". And even with the older ones, please be protected, if not for yourself, for the other "customers". That's called Individual Social Responsibility (ISR)

3. If you must drink that much loved beer, please avoid just any joint. There are some organized ones. Even in those places, watch your back, watch your drink and watch your mouth!

4. Today's 9ja babes, safe for quite a few are "pretentiously" fashionable but genuinely hygienically clean (even Adaora, Amope or Amina, the beautiful help from up there!) many thanks to the proliferation of reality game shows, soundcity, nigezie, trace, mtv, channel o e.t.c. They are also receptive to edifying ideas. Do not hesitate to pleasantly mention your preferences "hairwise" to them. Do it at the right time, and you can be rest assured of the much sought after change. That's also part of your ISR.

5. I cant help you on the accent issue, time will help you-that i am sure of, but you really want to shed the accent as a matter of urgency? pay a consistent visit to public places like markets, parks e.t.c

6. Don't worry about your physical size, you will soon be thinner than "tina". These guys will see to that-PHCN,LCDA,LASTMA, NNPC,ASUU, FG,OGUN STATE HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY, GOVERNORS, ARTISANS, DRIVERS,mobile networks,Pastors and Imams...ati bee bee lo

7. Your web warrior or is it internet militant tag better remain what it is and where it is-on the internet! You see, a policeman, customs officer or Immigration officer here is King,so when they talk to you, you "pipe low", cooperate sharp sharp! Forget about your constitutional right here! It is not Guaranteed except you want to be star like that Okere lady....That, too is not guaranteed, she is lucky to be alive to tell the story, you might not be that lucky!
Even if you see "guguru defence", please be a manly coward or better still, flee!

8. I know you write well. Good for you. There are so many governors, Lawmakers, Chairman LG, Councillors looking for Special Assistants, media aides and press secretaries, apply now, you stand a good chance of being taken..its just that you must be prepared, You apply for a Job, you will get some work! Still, they are your best bet!

9. Is it true that you are an atheist? Well, that could be a blessing in disguise, now you are free from tithe and offerings. But how far you will go with that in this county? ...lets wait and see!

10. Your dollars will be safest in these four Banks- GTB,First Bank, Diamond and Skye. Find out...If you don't trust them, then dig a huge hole in your backyard, pile the money there, and mark the place! Yes, it wont yield interest, but still, Hidden Charges will not take a huge chunk away from the lot. WARNING...As much as possible, Avoid "Hairy Banks"! They are ever apparently solid but eternally fleeting!

11. In this volume, i 'll end by saying, if you want your vote to count for anything Join PDP! Not that its an equivalent of Obama's Democratic party..hell no, its just that, its a party of Automatic Ticket. Automatic ticket to anything in the country.

I know some people will not tell you the truth. I have. Do all of these and many more that you will be getting to experience first hand, and you will enjoy this country much more than Obamaland!

Once Again, Welcome to 9ja in general and Lasgidi in particular.

Signed.