Daddies, Daughters and Sexual Relationships

Mutti · Mar 17, 2006 , 09:54 AM

I am raising this issue in this forum because I think it concerns us women more but the men are welcome to comment too.

A mother narrated how she came upon her husband in his study with his tongue deep in the throat of his 16 year old daughter. He insisted that nothing more than the deep french kissing had gone on betwen them but that did not stop her from taking steps to check with a doctor who confirmed that her daughter the last of three children 2 boys and one girl was till 'intact'

Daughter has always been a serious daddy's girl and they had long conversations for as long as mummy could remember. She never saw anything wrong with and why should she? After this is his daughter! Daughter was the quiet type showing more interest in books than interactions with others her age or even TV so it was easy to understand that she did not know that daddy had just crossed a line. His explanation was that she looked so much like mum at that age he just could not resist. I wonder how much further he would have gone, given the right conditions.

Anyway there are plenty of stories out there of daddies getting to know their girls in this special way. My question is at what point do we tell our girls that daddy is one of the men not allowed certain liberties with her and her body? Or do we just keep quiet trusting that our beloved can never be like that?

nobiorah · Mar 17, 2006 , 11:16 AM

It is a very serious problem and far more common in Nigeria than many of us would care to imagine. If one extrapolates from cases reported to the police or the media in Nigeria by a factor of ten, there would be at least 100-150 cases each year in Nigeria. This is clearly an underestimate. Most families hush these things up and the psychological damage to the young girl is profound. The cases that I have heard of personally have included girls as young as five and eight.

MsWoman · Mar 17, 2006 , 11:20 PM

I am seeing this for the first time and I was like huuuummmh! I remember a friend in high school whose father religiously liked doing a lot of kissing and hugging and kids sitting on his lap. I wasn't crazy about such stuff because coming from the kind of house I came from (don't get me wrong my father spoiled us silly), we really didn't have that type of affection of kissing and hugging, etc. My father would buy you anything you pointed at at the store and didn't believe in spanking, etc, but that was the height of it oh! So I honestly used to feel very uncomfortable whenever I went to play in their house and I never engaged in the "sitting on the lap" thing. I just didn't think it was right. Pls God forgive me if I am reading more into it oh!

Adaora · Mar 18, 2006 , 04:53 AM

This wrong, so wrong!
OMG!

nobiorah · Mar 18, 2006 , 09:24 AM

"Anyway there are plenty of stories out there of daddies getting to know their girls in this special way. My question is at what point do we tell our girls that daddy is one of the men not allowed certain liberties with her and her body? Or do we just keep quiet trusting that our beloved can never be like that?"

This is the essence of Mutti's post. Can some of the ladies in the house address it - or does it hit too close for comfort?

Mutti, how about taking the first jab?

Mutti · Mar 18, 2006 , 10:14 AM

Mutti, how about taking the first jab?

Me, having always been paranoid about this kind of issue, I always encouraged my daughter from when she was a mere tot to wash her own abunna by herself and told her that even if daddy gave her a bath she should still do that part by herself. The lesson stuck and I watched her religiously take the sponge from any bather including me and do the honours until she was old enough to bath herself.

My Mum unlike most in her generation was unreserved about discussing sex with us. She answered any and all questions according to our age and understanding. Being a teacher she had pictures that she also used. She was the first person to teach me about orgasm but only because the question came up when a cousin got hushed up for calling another cousin an orgasm.

So my opinion and it need not be shared, is that we should discuss these issues with our children (boys and girls) and include our husbands too. Because we could be helping him to address a problem if he has one. Opportunities often present themselves, we should not shy away from them. Age appropriate information is not a bad thing.

Anike · Mar 18, 2006 , 09:56 PM

This is a serious issue....

Problem though, in cases like the one described on the initial post, is that, had the daughter pre-informed her mother, odds are nothing may come out of it.

BeePee · Mar 19, 2006 , 01:14 AM

Problem though, in cases like the one described on the initial post, is that, had the daughter pre-informed her mother, odds are nothing may come out of it.

Even bigger problem.....

The mother saw with her own eyes, took the girl to the doctor, and then did what?

Maryam · Mar 20, 2006 , 03:19 AM

I had to take a second look at the post and from the replies; it appears Mutti is relaying something that took place in Nigeria right?

It's unfortunate that something like this happened to this young naive and uninformed girl; sadly this might have scarred her for life and the psychological repercussions might be deeper than the family might be able to see now or in the future. And this might raise insecurity and trust issues for her later on in life. It's a pity that we don't have enough psychologists and family social workers in Nigeria to help her deal with this 'abuse'.

I was close to my dad and I didn't have any 'inappropriate' thing happen to my sister or me. When I was sick he gave me baths, once even when I was as old as 13 (my Mom was out of town then so he had to do it). We were very close in my family and we gave hugs and kisses, so I don't have a problem with children being excessively close to relatives; but most of us leave it at only close relatives. Most Nigerians were not into hugging then so most people saw us as weird.

But I’m sure that these problems happen in Nigeria more than it’s reported. When I was young, my Mom made us read a book titled Carol’s Story. I can’t remember the name of the author, but it was about a girl who was sexually abused by her father, and other male relatives for years; it took place somewhere in the US. And I believe her Mom was unaware about the whole thing or might have refused to face the truth about it or so. But anyway, she eventually got pregnant by her father when she was a teenager, but she lost the child before she carried it full term. When the doctors in the hospital where asking about who got her pregnant the father was there and he lied that she was dating a young man and he was responsible for getting her pregnant.

The reason I brought this up was that my Mom talked to us about sexual abuse and she went further to give us the book to read so that we would be able to notice the warning signs and be able to differentiate between what’s appropriate behavior and what’s not.

The main problem I witnesses was with teachers and students having relationships that went beyond the classroom. In primary school (class 5 or 6) a male teacher got one of our classmates pregnant. He was fired from the school and the girl was made to have an abortion. I learned that she later on led a promiscuous life. You can only imagine why she ended up taking that route in life. The psychological effects far outlast the physical act. It might have also been the guilt of having the abortion that might have affected her choices in life.

Mar 22, 2006 , 01:19 AM

Incest and child sexual abuse are big time problems in many Western countries and in the United States in particular. The pervasive sexual messages in the US cut across every sector and boundaries between blood relatives often become obscure as the need to fulfill sexual urges over ride basic decency. Victims of incest and child sexual abuse carry a lifetime of baggage with them. High risk behaviors, promiscuity, low self esteem and a host of other stuff can be seen in the lives of victims of sexual abuse. I work with some of these victims and many of them are really messed up. Some need years of intensive treatment to get back to the semblance of a normal life. If the perpetrators have an inkling of the devastating long term effects of their actions on the victims, they may think twice.
I do not know how wide spread incest is in Nigeria, however child sexual abuse may be more common place than one would care to think. Young girls who hawk their wares are prone to sexual molestation, housegirls are a captive audience of lecherous men who live in the household, young female students are prey to teachers, tutors, coaches, lecturers and other male authority figures, while underage girls sexual easy targets of houseboys and other caregivers. To add biological fathers to the list of potential perpetrators is troubling. Western countries are more open about the 'sexual epidemic' they are facing. Resources have been made available to treat both victims and perpetrators. Nigeria is not at that level yet. Nigeria cannot afford incestous behaviors and the fallout thereof. Socially isolated families and communities where individualism thrive are fertile grounds for incest and the sexual abuse of children. Communal living and being each others keeper are ways to discourage this ugly trend.

Mar 4, 2009 , 12:33 PM

Anyway there are plenty of stories out there of daddies getting to know their girls in this special way. My question is at what point do we tell our girls that daddy is one of the men not allowed certain liberties with her and her body? Or do we just keep quiet trusting that our beloved can never be like that?

As soon as she can say "no"!

Incest is widespread...all over the world. Too many pedophiles within the family network for sure....does not matter what religion, culture, society, or country.

As soon as a little girl can walk or utter her first words.....you better start teaching good touch or bad touch....before one dirty old fool starts to molest her.....yeah...fathers included....those are the most guilty and unfortunately the least suspected....especially in that Africa of a place where hypocrisy is a religion.

Ph3y · Mar 4, 2009 , 01:36 PM

True the rates are really high and it's compounded by the fact that people are too timid to come forward and report discovered cases.. Some kids don't even tell anyone at all but live with the trauma as whomever has been molesting them threatens them with violence....

Mar 4, 2009 , 01:53 PM

Many of my co-workers, patients or acquaintances have been molested by their fathers, brothers or uncles. Just found out that one of my ***** was molested by an uncle in the UK this past christmas when she was a child. She complained of pains in her groin area and reported that an uncle had 'hurt' her. She was only 8 then.The school reported to the parents but after a family meeting....and many kissing and make-up sessions....the family decided to keep it a secret. I thought only such things happened in OBJ family them...he he he he

....this uncle was in his 20s and lived in the house with them. Now his daughters have all confessed to being molested by him. Those girls all act funny and have ALL remained unmarried till today and are all in their 30s. These are all Nigerian families oooooooooooh. Hmmmmmmm!

When you see some girls/women sometimes.....the way they act....you definitely suspect something is up. they usually timid and withdrawn. Others are violent and psychotic. Endless therapy....from doctors and pastors for sure. Gosh...thank for small mercies. Like I don't have enough issues already....adding sexual molestation to such a history will really set me on a suicidal path.

To think little girls are not safe from their own fathers is a scary thought....boys are fair game these days too. Hmmm!

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0225073629.htm

Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children More Likely To Smoke

http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAb...atistics_2.asp

The statistics are shocking

* 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18. (96)
* 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. (96)
* 1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the internet. (30, 87)
* Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under. (76)
* An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. (1)

Even within the walls of their own homes, children are at risk for sexual abuse

* 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. (2, 44, 76)
* Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.
* Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know. (1, 44)
* Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

Only 10% of abuse come from strangers.......very scary. This should be sufficient birth control for sure.

olutosin · Mar 4, 2009 , 04:51 PM

I remember an incident that happened during youth corp days in the east. A young girl came in (i served with the nigerian police

) with her baby (fathered by her father!!!)
Mum has been dead for a long while, dad has been sleeping with her before she knew left from right. She has undergone series of abortions for him over the years but that last one escaped him (she was too far gone). She said hes been trying to kill the baby since she gave birth.
The man was arrested, but i dont know what became of the girl and child.

Tis sad

Miss Tee · Mar 4, 2009 , 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by Dewdrops

Many of my co-workers, patients or acquaintances have been molested by their fathers, brothers or uncles. Just found out that one of my ***** was molested by an uncle in the UK this past christmas when she was a child. She complained of pains in her groin area and reported that an uncle had 'hurt' her. She was only 8 then.The school reported to the parents but after a family meeting....and many kissing and make-up sessions....the family decided to keep it a secret. I thought only such things happened in OBJ family them...he he he he ....this uncle was in his 20s and lived in the house with them. Now his daughters have all confessed to being molested by him. Those girls all act funny and have ALL remained unmarried till today and are all in their 30s.

This is so sad......just finished reading a post about how the absense of parents especially fathers is likely to be responsible for negative results in the childs life, and I made a point that physical presence is certainly not parental presence.
Why as a father would you want to destroy your little girls life by doing such a thing (I feel like crying just thiking about it). My heart sinks whenever I hear of such cases.
why should a child have to deal with this kind of psychological and physical damage at such a young age
And of course it will have adverse effects....as a woman if I was to go through such a thing, would I want to marry a man just to remember how my father use to climb on top of me every time my husband wants to make love to me.This life....

Originally Posted by Dewdrops

When you see some girls/women sometimes.....the way they act....you definitely suspect something is up.

this is what I always tell people when they tell me about how such and such is doing this, or how this woman did this, you certainly don't know the condition some people are coming from.
again I say.... this life.

Mar 4, 2009 , 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by Miss Tee

why should a child have to deal with this kind of psychological and physical damage at such a young age
And of course it will have adverse effects....as a woman if I was to go through such a thing, would I want to marry a man just to remember how my father use to climb on top of me every time my husband wants to make love to me.This life....

That girl was only 8 years old.........gosh! How does any sane man sleep with an 8 year old? I don't ever see her as feminine but a child. Or look at under-30 yr old dude as something I can work with? People are really sick!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now this is very difficult to imagine. I don't think it would be possible to have a 'normal' relationship with another male. Because like you noted....that is all that will flash in my mind. No therapy can erase that for sure. No wonder a lot of females become lesbians. I would just join a convent in perpetual solitude....or just dig a grave and crawl inside. How do I ever face my father after all that? This mess is very common and like everything else swept under the rug. Little girls need to be educated and grown men need to be supervised and watched for pedophilic tendencies. They are some kinky sexual habits men could exhibit to make you have a clue that they may love little girls.....fathers need to be watched seriously for sure.

Originally Posted by Miss Tee

This is so sad......just finished reading a post about how the absense of parents especially fathers is likely to be responsible for negative results in the childs life, and I made a point that physical presence is certainly not parental presence.

Sad to note that parental presence can be worse than parental absence.....when most of the perpetrators are the fathers of the girls/boys? In many cases it is the presence of the parents that is the problem. Can you imagine?

A father will be sleeping with his own daughter? Who else can you trust your child with if not the father huh? Did you read this post below? You can imagine millions of cases not even discussed....mostly because MOTHERS FAIL TO EDUCATE THEIR DAUGHTERS EARLY ENOUGH.

Originally Posted by olutosin

I remember an incident that happened during youth corp days in the east. A young girl came in (i served with the nigerian police) with her baby (fathered by her father!!!)
Mum has been dead for a long while, dad has been sleeping with her before she knew left from right. She has undergone series of abortions for him over the years but that last one escaped him (she was too far gone). She said hes been trying to kill the baby since she gave birth.
The man was arrested, but i dont know what became of the girl and child.

Tis sad

I don't think I can live with this.

The man was arrested for sure.....but can never give this poor girl back her life. I am sure this little girl had no one to protect her....she did not even know she was being molested. This is madness. I don't think little girls should be left alone with fathers who are widowed...without any female relative under the same roof. Especially if the male remains unmarried.

Well, I am sure most women know better than being too trusting with the "men" in their lives.....early sex education should be the key for sure. You can never be too careful. Family secrets/abominations are many for sure. Hmmm! Gosh!

Miss Tee · Mar 4, 2009 , 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by Dewdrops

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now this is very difficult to imagine. I don't think it would be possible to have a 'normal' relationship with another male. Because like you noted....that is all that will flash in my mind. No therapy can erase that for sure. No wonder a lot of females become lesbians. I would just join a convent in perpetual solitude....or just dig a grave and crawl inside. How do I ever face my father after all that?

Exactly Dewdrops and the saddest part to me is that it's mostly little girls/boys that have to deal with this horrible burden

Originally Posted by Dewdrops

This mess is very common and like everything else swept under the rug. Little girls need to be educated and grown men need to be supervised and watched for pedophilic tendencies. They are some kinky sexual habits men could exhibit to make you have a clue that they may love little girls.....fathers need to be watched seriously for sure.!

It truly is a shame that some fathers can not be trusted with thier own daughters. Or mothers with their own sons as so the case maybe

Originally Posted by Dewdrops

You are talking of parents being absent from their kids lives....when most of the perpetrators are the fathers of the girls/boys? In many cases it is the presence of the parents that is the problem. Can you imagine? A father will be sleeping with his own daughter? Who else can you trust your child with if not the father huh? Did you read this post below? You can imagine millions of cases not even discussed..

I should have been a little bit more descriptive, my point was that in reference to parents being absent, even if they are physically present does not make them parentally present ( in other words they are still absent in that sort of case).
And like you said the stats are only those reported.... Lord have mercy
I think in relation to this case the situation that pains me the most is when the mother knows as does nothing. Not only is the father messing the child up but she now has to live with the fact that her mother knows and does nothing and that is what she grows up in...

Oluwato · Mar 5, 2009 , 06:38 AM

DD and Miss Tee,

Yes it bad, but there's nothing God cannot do, He can fix anything. Joyce Meyer was abused by her father for many years... she is a blessing to the whole world today. Check www.joycemeyer.org

Incidentally, today's broadcast focused on this issue and others like it, see http://www.joycemeyer.org/ourministries/broadcast/

Of course, Nancy Alcorn is one of my heros

www.mercyministries.org

Ph3y · Mar 5, 2009 , 09:38 AM

You think eight year old is small?

There was this story i heard. A mother discovered that her baby would stop crying anytime this uncle took her to his room. So anytime the baby started crying she would just give her to uncle to pacify.....She almost died the day she found out that uncle was pacifying her baby's by putting his penis in the baby mouth..........Can you beat that?

calist · Mar 5, 2009 , 10:23 AM

Thanks Feyi, i also heard of that story too.

Dewdrop and Miss Tee, actually there is more to this issue, which unfortunately is sad as well as depressing. Is it that these parents involved are not aware of the consequences of their actions on the child or there is/are myth(s) ascribed to such practices?

Is it possible to include it in "rights of a child" and the rights included in the schools curriculum, so that the kids becomes aware that such practices are not acceptable in the society; hence should report to the appropriate quarters whenever they are molested so that the fellow could be brought to book.