Marrying Outside of Culture? (sorry kind of long post)

Nurse Ugonna · Oct 24, 2009 , 05:49 PM

I'm an african american american woman and have been dating a Nigerian(Igbo) man for the last 3 years off and on. The situation is complicated, I do want honest opinions so I want to honest in my version of the story.

We were co-workers, both married BUT we were both in the middle of divorces, already filed. He approached and pursued me for months and months before I would even agree to seeing him outside of work. He was on his second marriage, both to Nigerian women. He had a 9 year old daughter from 1st marriage.
I was on my 1st marriage and I had a 9 and 14 year old ( this was 2-3 years ago).
Every fiber in my being said

.
Needless to say I finally gave in, even after hearing the horror stories. Nigerian/African men wanting submissive women, wanting to be in control, the more than one wife stories etc. etc.
Well, I almost instantly fell in

love with man!!!!!! He is everything I wanted loving, nurturing, caring, attentive, responsible, hard working. I could go on and on with his positive attributes.

Well we really caught "it" from co-workers, friends, family. Everyone had an opinion. We listened to them all but continued to make our own decisions. Everything about us was put under scrutiny. He would constantly buy me gifts. If he purchased clothing then I would hear "thats just his way to control what you wear."
I can admit that I am an aggressive woman, at times dominant. I'm equally aggressive sexually, so there were comments from his friends/brothers that he was just taking in by the sex. (something he was not getting from the wife per him/them).
We both took the comments seriously about we were moving fast, we did attempt to slow it down, well after a year of dating(as he was still in a very serious battle with his wife about the divorce she hadnt worked in 3 of the 5 years of the marriage. She was 6months from getting her Bachelors in nursing. I am also a nurse so I know her income possibility. To have given so little she wanted sooooooo much. She had also been stashing money in a private account and lied about her fertility, stating she was unable to get pregnant but was secretly on the pill. My husband walked away, moved out and only had contact with the children.) we purchased my engagement ring and started planning our future.
I wanted to give him everything he wanted, he had been given such a bad deal in his orevious marriage, we were both out to please each other. As we plannes our future of course religion came up and that plays a major part!!!
The problem was was unwilling to convert to catholicism. That wasnt the only issue, I was trying with his help to learn some of the keywords of the language which I found VERY difficult!! Like everyone said I would, I started to have worries that he may cheat on me. I worried about the constant comments about nigerian men having problems with infidelity. Maybe it was "cold feet" on my part. I worried about being accepted by his culture. After 1 1/2 years we broke off the relationship.

Fast forward to present day, we both have transferred to other positions. (this was done while we were still together though). We still spoke every 2-3 months just "how are you?" "how are the kids", we may have seen each other every other month or so but only at his job, my job, lets meet for lunch, dinner.
His divorce is now final, he's in an apartment. My divorce was never final, I just gave up on the paperwork part after we broke off our relationship.
We are now seeing each other again, maybe for the last 2 months. Once again its just like we were never apart

. My heart still flutters, my stomach still flips at the thought of him, to hear his voice and seeing him. I MELT when I'm in his arms!!!!!!!
I honestly dont KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Should I worry about infidelity? his track record of 2 divorces? Is it really possible for the nigerian culture to accept a africam american woman? How will he(we) be viewed as marrying a divorced balck woman with 2 children?
I'm just asking for overall experiences/comments/suggestions??

lateesha · Oct 24, 2009 , 06:07 PM

You've been divorced, (partially divorced), he's been twice divorced ,both of you are high risk.You deserve each other IMHO.
I wish you the best

Nurse Ugonna · Oct 24, 2009 , 06:10 PM

Originally Posted by lateesha

You've been divorced, (partially divorced), he's been twice divorced ,both of you are high risk.You deserve each other IMHO.
I wish you the best

ouch! I'm not sure how to take that, but thanks for your honesty.

Balo · Oct 24, 2009 , 06:34 PM

Culture is for ever evolving and not static, methinkst it is up to the two of you to make it work - if you want to. You cannot keep looking at an individual and judging him on rumours whether founded or otherwise which have nothing to do with him as a separate and distinct person.

Balo · Oct 24, 2009 , 06:36 PM

Oops - Apologies o, I no no say na woman to woman section before I post.

Oluwato · Oct 24, 2009 , 06:40 PM

I don't have the time to properly respond in detail but I'll tell you this, starting off a relationship before your divorce is final is ethically wrong. In other words you are still married until the judge pronounces you divorced... to me that in itself is mild infidelity, regardless of the fact that your divorce is filed. But then, I am a minister of the gospel and my values are shaped by the bible.

I am a divorcee so in a way I can relate to you and the other piece of advice i can give you is this; it helps to heal from a broken marriage because two people that were joined are now separated. If you do not heal, then it is most likely that the next relationship will not function well because of various mental issues. I gave myself two years to heal from my divorce before dating again, everybody heals at a different rate so you'll have to find yours.

Now, from the little I've read I'm not sure you are a born again Christian (I know you kind of mentioned that you were a Catholic and he was unwilling to convert, no offence given but not all Catholics are born again) and I am a born again minister so my counsel stems from my born-again bias. At this point, ask yourself if you're willing to become born again (being born again is simply believing in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and confessing with your mouth that Jesus is Lord) or state if you are born again. If you are born again, then when I return, which will be sometime tomorrow (very busy weekend, sorry) then I can assist and you'll have more options presented to you. If you're not willing to become born again, then my advice is go to a marriage therapist or see your church leaders.

All the best.

Originally Posted by Nurse Ugonna

I'm an african american american woman and have been dating a Nigerian(Igbo) man for the last 3 years off and on. The situation is complicated, I do want honest opinions so I want to honest in my version of the story.

We were co-workers, both married BUT we were both in the middle of divorces, already filed. He approached and pursued me for months and months before I would even agree to seeing him outside of work. He was on his second marriage, both to Nigerian women. He had a 9 year old daughter from 1st marriage.
I was on my 1st marriage and I had a 9 and 14 year old ( this was 2-3 years ago).
Every fiber in my being said.
Needless to say I finally gave in, even after hearing the horror stories. Nigerian/African men wanting submissive women, wanting to be in control, the more than one wife stories etc. etc.
Well, I almost instantly fell in love with man!!!!!! He is everything I wanted loving, nurturing, caring, attentive, responsible, hard working. I could go on and on with his positive attributes.

Well we really caught "it" from co-workers, friends, family. Everyone had an opinion. We listened to them all but continued to make our own decisions. Everything about us was put under scrutiny. He would constantly buy me gifts. If he purchased clothing then I would hear "thats just his way to control what you wear."
I can admit that I am an aggressive woman, at times dominant. I'm equally aggressive sexually, so there were comments from his friends/brothers that he was just taking in by the sex. (something he was not getting from the wife per him/them).
We both took the comments seriously about we were moving fast, we did attempt to slow it down, well after a year of dating(as he was still in a very serious battle with his wife about the divorce she hadnt worked in 3 of the 5 years of the marriage. She was 6months from getting her Bachelors in nursing. I am also a nurse so I know her income possibility. To have given so little she wanted sooooooo much. She had also been stashing money in a private account and lied about her fertility, stating she was unable to get pregnant but was secretly on the pill. My husband walked away, moved out and only had contact with the children.) we purchased my engagement ring and started planning our future.
I wanted to give him everything he wanted, he had been given such a bad deal in his orevious marriage, we were both out to please each other. As we plannes our future of course religion came up and that plays a major part!!!
The problem was was unwilling to convert to catholicism. That wasnt the only issue, I was trying with his help to learn some of the keywords of the language which I found VERY difficult!! Like everyone said I would, I started to have worries that he may cheat on me. I worried about the constant comments about nigerian men having problems with infidelity. Maybe it was "cold feet" on my part. I worried about being accepted by his culture. After 1 1/2 years we broke off the relationship.
Fast forward to present day, we both have transferred to other positions. (this was done while we were still together though). We still spoke every 2-3 months just "how are you?" "how are the kids", we may have seen each other every other month or so but only at his job, my job, lets meet for lunch, dinner.
His divorce is now final, he's in an apartment. My divorce was never final, I just gave up on the paperwork part after we broke off our relationship.
We are now seeing each other again, maybe for the last 2 months. Once again its just like we were never apart. My heart still flutters, my stomach still flips at the thought of him, to hear his voice and seeing him. I MELT when I'm in his arms!!!!!!!
I honestly dont KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Should I worry about infidelity? his track record of 2 divorces? Is it really possible for the nigerian culture to accept a africam american woman? How will he(we) be viewed as marrying a divorced balck woman with 2 children?
I'm just asking for overall experiences/comments/suggestions??

liloldlady · Oct 24, 2009 , 07:26 PM

There is a word Civil Engineers use...."Structurally Sound/Unsound" to describe the underpinnings of any structure....(Mgbor Chief Kalu)

Your relationship is not structurally sound....too much drama.
You need to work on yourself ....There is major self esteem issues going on with you.

You seem to wrongly assume, you can meet his needs perfectly, but not in a way that an emotionally healthy, confident woman would...but in a manner typical of needy women who have a need to be needed by men.

Therfore you draw self validation, by however much of his needs you meet...no matter how irrational, illogical, or unreasonable your assumption is.
Not by how much of your own expressed needs and desires, you actually meet in said relationship.

liloldlady · Oct 24, 2009 , 07:30 PM

Originally Posted by Balo

Oops - Apologies o, I no no say na woman to woman section before I post.

Ahbeg kack seat

which decree said you are not welcome here....
We need enlightened, reasoned, intelligent, opinions, like you usually have, in this section please.

Ajanlekoko · Oct 28, 2009 , 09:47 PM

Beware of stereotypes. Many a good people have lost excellent opportunities due to them believing in stereotypes.

Balo · Oct 28, 2009 , 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by liloldlady

Ahbeg kack seat
which decree said you are not welcome here....
We need enlightened, reasoned, intelligent, opinions, like you usually have, in this section please.

, thank you my dear. It's just that my enemies abound plenty these days.

But Psalm 23 na my armour.

OyinB69 · Oct 30, 2009 , 10:33 PM

Personally, people in the middle of separation and/or divorce (whether finalized or not) should not be dating other people. A marriage is a commitment to stick it through thick & thin with the person you made the promise to. When you're in the middle of breaking off such a promise (made in the presence of God, talk less of family and friends), you should be in a state of soberness where you contemplate how things went so horribly wrong. You should be trying to figure out the part you played in creating such a situation (it takes two to tangle/tango after all), and how not to make such mistakes in the future. You should put measures in place to help yourself to that end. Whether it was a weakness or too much gra-gra on your part that caused the divorce.

After the divorce is final (on paper AND otherwise), you need a period of "breathing space" to clear out the emotional and physical baggage of the past relationship, and get to a place where you're actually ready for a new commitment.

I said all that first because people don't take divorces as serious as they should, which is why you end up jumping from one relationship to the next, wondering why it's not working out. A person in the middle of a divorce/separation cannot successfully date someone else and have the relationship work out.

This man that you're so in love with, Nurse Ugonna, do you know how much baggage he carried from his first marriage into his second?? Thus far, how has he fixed his issues, his emotional/psychological/mental states for you to have a relationship with him and SUCCEED? Or are you fine with marrying the man and end up with your second divorce (and his third)?

All these are questions you need to meditate on and ask yourself about. And when you do that, you will come up with some serious answers that no one on this board can give you. As you can see, I haven't mentioned a word about the specifics you brought up -- infidelity, chauvinism/dominance, etc. When you've answered the questions for yourself, you will have the clarity you're looking for.

Bottom line is: An individual's past actions speak clearly for his/her future actions EXCEPT when present actions show a distinct and corrective diversion from the past.